The dark circles, my slender figure, no haircuts, no makeup to cover my dullness, are all a part of me. They make me unique and beautiful with a better heart.
My hair is wet and uncombed as I wait for my frazzled nerves to calm down. Meanwhile, my bad also has half a packet of broken cookies scattered all over. That doesn’t make me feel ashamed.
While I love my toddler immensely, I love her bedtime just as much. I give in to her terrible-two tantrums because I am barely scraping by through the day, fuelled by caffeine. When my phone rings, I hate to talk right then because there’s a lot of physical and mental wrestling that drains me out. Every call back and message I send, begins with a sorry.
I do not have the unlimited depths to roll on the ground with an energetic toddler. Displaying the same enthusiasm continuously for long hours while communicating with my kid, is foreign to me.
There’s no regret but I do think what a career woman I had been in the past years. I browse through my phone looking for different career options like an unapologetic mom. Meanwhile, my little one is constantly pulling on my hand asking me to do the ‘ring around the roses.’ I pull back my hand and get back to the phone. It is alright to get some ‘me-time.’
I order groceries last minute online. Being organised was my true self only in the professional front. As a stay at home mom, I am nothing but unorganised. There was a time when I remembered minute details and dates. Now, with so much happening, I even forget to have my meal.
With all those years of studying and getting my dream job, the real survival strategies were what I missed out on. Now, as a stay-at-home mom, I’ve learnt to be sleepless yet love more. I have learnt to cook and feed despite forgetting to eat myself.
Tea that was once hot, I’ve learnt, can be drunk cold too. I have also learnt to make a choice- a choice of everlasting happiness. That ‘ladies first’ rule, well, it’s just a myth. And I’ve also learnt to be a kid again with my toddler- reminiscing my own childhood.
I, no more, have those performance appraisals to give me the best rating. Instead, my job, now, is immeasurable and paid off with a happy smile of my dear daughter. I may yell at her all day but I will definitely kiss her goodnight. My day doesn’t end without that. I have now, met my own authenticity and my own self.
And then, someone spotted my dark circles, “You’re not taking care of yourself.” Someone else told me, “You have turned thinner than before.” And yet another person said, “You look so drained out.”
Someone suggested, “Why don’t you have a haircut? Change your hairstyle.” Another person said, “Apply some lipstick and kajal.”
While I just nodded my head showing that I agreed, inwardly I smiled. What they viewed as flaws was actually the natural beauty of my achievement.
“Yes, I am Flawsome,” my heart kept echoing.
I do not value beauty and perfection anymore. My flaws are an outcome of my compassion. Before a first-time mom, I am in love with myself as a human. I am still learning, but I have come a long way too. And I am striving to be happy, not perfect. No-one is perfect and can never be perfect.
These dark circles, my slender figure, no haircuts, no makeup to cover my dullness, are all a part of me. They make me unique and beautiful with a better heart.
I think I’ll just say it again, I like to go with the flaw!
“Yes, I am Flawsome!” I shout as I hold the mop in one hand as a mic and fling the other in the air, frivolously jiving away the nifty moves.
A version of this was first published here.
Picture credits: Pexels
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