Anupama writes a letter to her 18-years old daughter. Read what she has to say.
He is suave, sexy and makes your heart flutter! But he is also married. What do you do, then? Here is why you really need to dump that married lover!
He leaves a whiff, a glance, and a chatty line or two as he passes by, and you start to think of him with increasing fascination.
Anyone. He can be anyone. A colleague, a boss, a co-worker, a family friend or a neighbour.
He could also be your best friend’s husband!
Yep…it happens all the time. So let’s just skip the unnecessary ethics, moral stories, and come to the point that we are talking about a ‘married lover’.
He is a much-married man who has suddenly put your emotions aflutter despite your scepticism. You may have had debates with friends about the immorality of these relationships, thrown careless judgement such women who fall for married men!
However, the fact is that, the world is full of ordinary mortals like you and me. Mortals who are capable of making foolish mistakes in a hurry. Only to repent it later.
He seems more appealing, as he already has a woman, who has some hold over him. And it gives you a certain high that he is ‘falling for you…’
He is attentive, flirty and very flattering. You get a sense of being a desirable woman when you’re with him and he gives you subtle signals. He has a certain charm and you gravitate towards him despite yourself.
The inevitable happens. You start exchanging those meaningful glances and those secret notes.
Then, one fine day you meet, and he may tell you stories of his unhappy married life. Or he may tell you that he is very happy with his marriage, loves his wife a lot. But he really can’t analyse why he feels this ‘something’ for you.
You revel secretly at your ‘mysterious charms’ and ‘irresistible qualities.’ Charms that have driven a ‘faithful, loyal and so much in love with his wife’ man to feel that ‘something‘ for you.
You may be feed your lonely soul, with the warm feeling of having a man who is captivated with your charms. This might lead to you imagining an unconditional love in the days to come. However, for him, you are that X-factor in life. And in most cases, he is fully aware of what he wants, how much he wants and how far he is going to go with you.
The ‘unavailable man’ is available to you. He is available, but on his terms, at his pace, and at his own convenience. During one of his moments, on a sultry afternoon, he might say, ‘I love you,’ but what next?
How far is he ready to take this love with you? Will it go beyond the silent walls of that remote hotel, flat, or love nest?
The point is that you have just found a man who is ready to sleep with you any time, but he may not be ready to wake up with you!
Nevertheless, you are beyond care as your heart is filled with unbridled love for him. So, your desire to give and receive attention is leading you into a state where reality and fantasy are indiscernible.
You don’t pay heed to warnings of friends and well-wishers. They appear to you as prejudiced or jealous. You send passionate text messages to him while he is at work.
He reads them, enjoys them, and never answers them, he deletes them, he plays safe.
For him, this relationship is a fancy escape that feeds his already engorged ego. He may tell you how he feels suffocated and unhappy with his wife, but most of the time, the man is lying!
You may never come to know that he lets her take over the reins, the control buttons and the responsibility of the relationship. While he sits back and enjoys the drive, or in other words cheats on her.
If he did not love it, he would have left her long time ago!
He will speak about making ‘compromises,’ but he is a smart guy who is having the best of both worlds.
And while he is having family holidays, social get-together, and spending the nights with his wife, you are left alone staring at the silent phone.
The fact is that at the end of the day, he might be okay with the idea of having the woman back home as his wife. And he would not really want to replace her.
At home, he has a wife. Outside home, your married lover gets free sex available to him at his wish and command.
He has a passionate lover in you and a sweet romance to colour his drab domesticated life, without any demands of commitment.
You have the overriding wish to be the best in his eyes. This makes you even more ‘non-demanding, nice, sweet and the perfect lover in your hurry to add something special. You want to add that to the ‘pitiable life’ of a man ‘suffering’ with a ‘tyrannical woman.’
In a relationship of this kind, your dynamics are in total contrast with each other.
You are dancing partners, but you are not in tune with each other’s rhythm and steps.
It is a definite ‘cha-cha-cha’ where each person is moving backwards and forwards without quite meeting the other. This leaves lots of unhappiness, hurt, disappointment and loneliness in between.
You created a secret world with your married lover, and you revel in the secrecy and details of this affair. However, as time goes by, you wish for security and a sense of belonging.
You have opened your feelings and your body to a man, and you crave for an emotional ambience and assurance about the possibility of this relationship. There is an emptiness you fell about the non-existent future and a sense of ennui starts to build up.
Every woman wants someone who touches the mystical parts of her fantasy, someone with depth and emotional availability. Someone who appreciates her sensible side, while also appealing to her amorous side.
She wants who respects her, in and out of bed.
But in this ‘book of love,’ the chapters are unscripted.
And like a fiction writer, you must decide the theme, background, characters and the end that you want for this love story with your married lover.
It is not easy, but is also not as difficult as it seems. What it requires is for you to choose better standards for yourself and to develop a great deal of self-love.
Only self-love, and refusal to settle for anything less would save you from deadlock of such a kind.
Picture credits: YouTube
First published here
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Nazia Mallick is the author of a literary novel, "Meshes of Smoke"- (2011)
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