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How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin

Posted: August 2, 2019

To be fair is to be beautiful – a concept we are all made to be familiar with. Why can’t we let dark skinned people love their own skin and feel beautiful too?

In my previous article on body image and weight obsession for women, several women shared why they will always be very jumpy around weight.

It all started when they were children when they heard barbs related to weight. Even from their family members chided them. ‘You are too thin’ or ‘you are too fat’ defined them for years. And even now they struggle with every kilo of weight gained or lost.

Not just the body, you are shamed for your colour too!

That made me think how much the experiences in our childhood mould how we think subsequently in life. While growing up, I heard a lot of comments around skin colour. Relatives, friends and peers commenting casually on colour.

I remember how actresses of yore who were dark skinned were always called dusky beauties, as if their skin colour was what defined them more. While I was never really worried about my skin colour, I always hated the topic. I knew I wasn’t fair skinned like my mum or like women were supposed to be.

It took me a lot of reading, understanding and the support of close family and friends to appreciate and understand that I am truly beautiful in my skin. That being brown did not take away from my physical beauty. That I did not have to satisfy someone else’s view of beauty.

Men and children face it too!

But little did I know that men, also, faced the same issues. In my opinion, a man could be dark or fair and no one really cared. But when my own sons were growing up, there were several instances when them being brown was used to insult them. Being kids they were confused and at times ashamed.

But as a mum who was now confident and determined to raise her sons to feel pride in their colour, I knew that this work began at home. And it included having conversations with them.

We always talk about these sticky issues at home. I understood the hurt they felt. I realised that sometimes they would wonder why they couldn’t just be fair, and it would be easier. And I had to put those thoughts into perspective. After all, if not this there would be some other issue that another person would find to taunt you. So the answer is not in the issue going away but in how we deal with taunts and slurs in general.

We try to see why a person would want to feel superior by pulling others down. We try to understand why we have a deep-sated complex when it comes to skin colour. Is it hundreds of years of being colonised, of messages shared on big screen and articles, of advertisements of fairness creams and products or something more? And how do we address both these to the person pulling us down and to our own selves? Thus began the process of building pride and confidence in who we are and in what we have been blessed with.

Dark, but so what?

Today, I can say very safely that I am very confident, aware of the qualities that I have been blessed with and happy in my own skin. Now, when a salon person asks me if I want to bleach or to go for a de-tan treatment, I smile and tell her no. I no longer internalise it as her judgment of my skin colour because she is asking a fair skinned woman the same question as well.

Let’s face it often a harmless query may make us respond in a totally crazy way solely because that query has a certain association for us. In our minds, your assumption about me being dark implies that I am not beautiful or somehow inferior. If we can break that association in our minds, then we have won half the battle.

Today, I feel that my sons respond in a much more controlled and calm manner to any insinuations about their skin colour. Hopefully, somewhere they are taking pride in being brown, in their Indian heritage and in the way they look.

Apart from raising them to be men who are feminists, this is another area that I have focused a lot on. It is not to say that they are devoid of insecurities or angst. But much work has been done to raise their self-esteem.

Healing takes a while, but you always have support

Earlier while I kept quiet when someone made a comment on skin colour, but today I speak up. Not as an outburst but in a quiet tone, questioning the intent and often shutting down any insinuation about dark-skinned being inferior.

I know of a number of women who have lived with families and friends who constantly taunted them and shattered their self-esteem. I do hope they can work towards healing.

We all can dream of a day when we won’t be shamed for being who we are in terms of our appearance. But till then, let’s empower our children to embrace their true identity and to feel comfortable in their own skin.

Would love to hear your thoughts on this topic? Have you ever been shamed for the way you look?  

This article was earlier published here

Picture Credits: Still from the movie Manto 

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Rachna Parmar is an award-winning blogger, a Content Developer and strategist who enjoys her

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