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A broken girl need not be a sad girl. Just a girl, or maybe a young woman who has experienced the depths of human emotions. Paromita writes about the secret thoughts of such a girl.
So girl, you are on Netflix and YouTube and social media, all together. Because you feel lonely. You create a fake account to check his FB and Insta stories. You can’t get over how his present girlfriend is happy and sexy and beautiful and so much more than you are. And how you could have said this and that. Been this and that. Done things this way or that way. And then realize how everyone else is out in the night, with lovers and close ones. And you sit on the bed with a tub of ice-cream.
But listen to this. There is a myth that is being sold, that if you are young and independent, you are supposed to be constantly happy. And the world is at your feet. But this is a lie to sell products your hard earned cash can afford. Here is what you need to know and remind yourself, that not all nights you are supposed to dance away. Some nights you break down. Some nights you heal. And in some, you rejoice.
Nothing in nature blooms round the year. Everything hides and heals. And then blooms again.
This is to you girl, who cries on Saturday nights. You are nesting; when spring comes you will bloom. Winter is the letter from spring that you will bloom again. And again!
I know, you are tired. Work, office politics, raising a child, and negotiating with the world is not easy. You are worried the moment your child coughs in the middle of the night. You wonder if you need to take him/her to the doctor. You worry if you will make through the night. The newspaper headlines run through your head.
When you meet a new man and feel attracted towards him, you wonder if he will be kind to your child. And each time, you spend time with your lover; the guilt of not spending enough time with your child haunts you.
When you see family pictures of your friends, you compare your child to theirs. The dress. The weight. The skin. The birthday parties. You again wonder if you are doing enough. In cold nights, you cry holding your sleeping child.
You keep wondering if your child’s biological father will show up when your child needs him. But so many times, he does not.
Listen to this. Just hang in there. You are doing enough. You are doing all you can. When you take time off, you are only filling yourself. You can’t pour from an empty cup.
Each time you doubt yourself, remind yourself that you are doing everything that is humanly possible to raise your child. There is nothing to be worried about it. When he/she grows up, your child will only remember how a warrior raised him/her to be a warrior of light!
Now, that you have decided to marry me, let me think of what things might be like? If we go to Lodhi Garden, there is a lake, we can sit by. I love looking at the ripples that it makes. If you are talking to me and I seem lost, shake me by my shoulder. I will apologize for been inattentive. I get so lost at times. Pardon me, then.
Not far from that lake is a wide tree. Can we climb it? It has been a very kind tree. It forever shades. In that shade I want to tell you my childhood tales. Of the stories, my grandfather told and the drives our father took us to, in his Ambassador car. Oh! Once father got a tortoise home. I danced around it. What joy that was! You can share your stories too. Tell me in standard 6th which season was your favorite?
Does history interest you? I am a little obsessed with Indian history, specially the Mughal era. World History I am not very adept with. But if you talk about it, I will listen. If you please I can take you to Delhi 6, to Jama Masjid, to Red Fort and that you are a non vegetarian, we can go to Karims too. Oh! By the way if we sit by the foyers of ‘Diwan-I-Aam’, in Red Fort, I always play act, sitting there as if the Emperor would come. That makes me so happy.
If you love the Sufis, Delhi is the place to find them. But we must go to NIzzamuddin first, for about love I know from him. And we may take a walk to Chillah Gaah, and offer our gratitude. But Nizzamuddin we must go to. For it’s his blessings that we are here, today. Together.
You have to understand, that I have not traveled anywhere but in this city. So, I don’t know how a pizza in Milan tastes, or how it feels to walk in the winters of Russia. You can tell me those stories. But I have always been kind to people, no matter where they have come from. Is kindness enough for you?
During our walks, I can tell you how a friend from Lahore came to see me, or the girl whom I stayed with. I have stories for a lifetime, to suffice. Are stories enough for you?
My needs are simple. I am fine as long as you are honest. My bank account is not rich. But enough to take care of my needs. So I won’t be gifting you much. Nor do I expect your bank account to enrich mine. I live simple. I am content. I write poems. I love Rumi.
If this is enough for you, meet me near Miranda House, University of Delhi. For that is where it all began. We can begin this there too. Its auspicious for me.
This time, I shall wait.
P.S: If we are committed, can I hold hand, as we walk?
A version of this was first published on the author’s Facebook page.
Image source: pixabay
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Proud Indian. Senior Writer at Women's Web. Columnist. Book Reviewer. Street Theatre - Aatish. Dreamer.
The Secret Thoughts Of A Broken Girl [Part-5]
The Secret Thoughts Of A Broken Girl [Part-1]
The Secret Thoughts Of A Broken Girl [Part-4]
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