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Despite a flight attendant’s job, I saved the best places to visit with my now ex husband, but realised that I was waiting for him in vain…
Sometimes I think of the blue ocean and being on an island. Sometimes I dream of being on top of a snow clad mountain, looking down upon the world. It makes me and my problems feel microscopic.
I realized it quite late in life, how travel is actually therapy for me. I kind of always knew this, and had hoped to find a travel buddy more than just a partner in life. My job pays me enough to travel. So that’s the plan of action, at least for now… Travel alone, or with friends, or whoever.
Even thinking about it gives me joy. But it wasn’t like that some years ago. When I got married.
My ex husband knew how travel got me excited, and when I was flying as a flight attendant, I was lucky to travel all over the world while at work. But if I craved to see a new place, which I wouldn’t want to do without him, he always had some excuses. For him it was just being home that gave him immense pleasure.
I had saved all the main attractions to go to with someone I loved, from the time I had started flying. How stupid of me, I realise now. Now when I have quit flying, I realise how much I have missed out on, because I waited; waited for someone to travel with me.
Sometimes I would wish to be a man so that I had no fear of travelling alone. Now I realise it wasn’t fear, it was just how dependent I was on someone to go do something that I love, forgetting that he may have other interests, and I can’t force him to do stuff that I love.
I hate being so dependent and weak, and don’t like someone stopping me from doing things that are so close to my heart. I started doing it alone; going to places and seeing them without anyone. It made me happy, but didn’t really go well with my ex. He kept stopping me.
And that’s the time decided I had to set myself free, I had to choose, I had to be selfish. Because I had wasted 10 years just waiting for someone to travel with me, and when I finally had the courage to do it by myself, I wasn’t allowed. And I’m not going to waste 10 more years waiting for another one. I will henceforth do what my heart craved for all these years, and I won’t let anybody come in my way. Because I don’t want to regret after 10 more years like the way I am regretting now.
I chose myself over everything else. Because I deserve it, after all these years. I deserve myself, I deserve my wishes, my time, my dreams. And if it means being alone… then so be it.
Image source: pixabay
Im 31,an ex flight attendant and soon to be divorced.I just want to
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