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Despite a flight attendant’s job, I saved the best places to visit with my now ex husband, but realised that I was waiting for him in vain…
Sometimes I think of the blue ocean and being on an island. Sometimes I dream of being on top of a snow clad mountain, looking down upon the world. It makes me and my problems feel microscopic.
I realized it quite late in life, how travel is actually therapy for me. I kind of always knew this, and had hoped to find a travel buddy more than just a partner in life. My job pays me enough to travel. So that’s the plan of action, at least for now… Travel alone, or with friends, or whoever.
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Even thinking about it gives me joy. But it wasn’t like that some years ago. When I got married.
My ex husband knew how travel got me excited, and when I was flying as a flight attendant, I was lucky to travel all over the world while at work. But if I craved to see a new place, which I wouldn’t want to do without him, he always had some excuses. For him it was just being home that gave him immense pleasure.
I had saved all the main attractions to go to with someone I loved, from the time I had started flying. How stupid of me, I realise now. Now when I have quit flying, I realise how much I have missed out on, because I waited; waited for someone to travel with me.
Sometimes I would wish to be a man so that I had no fear of travelling alone. Now I realise it wasn’t fear, it was just how dependent I was on someone to go do something that I love, forgetting that he may have other interests, and I can’t force him to do stuff that I love.
I hate being so dependent and weak, and don’t like someone stopping me from doing things that are so close to my heart. I started doing it alone; going to places and seeing them without anyone. It made me happy, but didn’t really go well with my ex. He kept stopping me.
And that’s the time decided I had to set myself free, I had to choose, I had to be selfish. Because I had wasted 10 years just waiting for someone to travel with me, and when I finally had the courage to do it by myself, I wasn’t allowed. And I’m not going to waste 10 more years waiting for another one. I will henceforth do what my heart craved for all these years, and I won’t let anybody come in my way. Because I don’t want to regret after 10 more years like the way I am regretting now.
I chose myself over everything else. Because I deserve it, after all these years. I deserve myself, I deserve my wishes, my time, my dreams. And if it means being alone… then so be it.
Image source: pixabay
Im 31,an ex flight attendant and soon to be divorced.I just want to
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