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My mind and heart were constantly in a conflict about how I can turn the tables of my life and I felt utterly worthless and depressed.
It was a usual work day in office but towards the end one meeting spoiled everything. The entire team was called and reprimanded for a financial loss we had to suffer because we were not able to deliver.
So, here I am standing in the meeting room, disheartened and feeling that even at office I have been declared as ‘good for nothing’. I had the same rush of feelings in the morning before leaving the house, when I was told that as a wife and daughter-in-law I have failed miserably to fulfill my duties. Leaving the house with the feeling that I have not proven to be a good wife and daughter-in-law despite all effort, made me choke with tears in the cab that I took to office. I gave a call to my mother in desperation, but ended up getting the normal gyan that it is my duty to do things better at home, and now that I am married, I cannot keep coming back to my mother crying about all the small things in life….
It was almost 7:30 PM, when I decided to leave office and took a cab to go back home, but instead of going home, asked the driver to take me to the nearest restaurant which happens to be my escape place in the city. I had no energy left to go home and face the same set of people who made me feel worthless the whole day. I thought that maybe a little break would help me recover before I head back.
I sat at a corner table which was dimly lit; I wanted to bury myself in the darkness where in the crowd no one could see me and judge me for anything. I ordered my favorite drink and food because that is how I was seeking solace!
My mind and heart were constantly in a conflict about how I can turn the tables of my life and I felt utterly worthless and depressed. I checked my phone book and searched for a number that I can call and just vent my frustration on that person, but unfortunately found none. I slammed the phone down and started looking around as if I will find ‘that’ person in this crowd of unknown people.
Suddenly, I set my eyes on one of my colleagues whom I had not seen for a couple of weeks in office. She was also sitting in a corner table alone looking hassled and I could see tears rolling down her eyes. I couldn’t resist myself and went to her table. She was taken aback to see a familiar face standing next to her, and a little embarrassed as she could not hide the tears in time before I could notice. I pulled a chair to sit next to her, and asked her if she was fine or if she wanted to talk about something. I was expecting no answers, but I tried to get her into a conversation so as to ease her pain in some way. She was so full of grief and sadness that I really didn’t have to ask her again and she started talking-
“I am here to celebrate my anniversary, we have been married for 10 years now.” Her tear-filled eyes turned sparkled at the thought of the years of togetherness. I said to myself – Yet another case where because of work commitments husband tells her he will not be able to make it for dinner.
I still went ahead and asked her if she is waiting for him. She replied looking straight into my eyes – “No, I am not anymore as he passed away a month back. He met with an accident last month and succumbed to the injuries.” “We had planned for our anniversary dinner here as it was his favorite place. So, I came here to relive the beautiful moments we shared together,” her eyes shining with a flash of those fond memories.
I was dumbstruck for a minute, unable to put together the right words to express myself. Gathering my thoughts, I expressed my condolences for her loss. I asked her how she was holding up and managing with such a big loss.
The words she said will always remain with me throughout my life- “I am doing just fine but, I have learnt the lesson of my life the hard way. During these ten years of married life all we did was running behind our careers, raising the kids, fighting over issues which today I realize were of no importance. What we missed doing was treating one another respectfully, overlooking the small drawbacks we both had, making an effort to know each other better, taking out time just for one another. Today, when I look back I feel I wasted so many years of my life just brooding and crying over some small miseries or setbacks I had in life at that point of time. There were solutions to all the problems we had then, which we overlooked. But, now at this stage I have neither the problems nor the person with whom I had those problems. All that we needed was more talking and less assuming.”
Those words had a talisman effect on me- I don’t remember how and when I left the restaurant but, what I do remember was me calling that person on my phone book whom I was looking for to vent my feelings to – My Husband.
Image Source: Unsplash
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An HR professional who keeps shifting between being a homemaker and a career woman. Currently
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