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The pain of a separation or a divorce can make us put taking care of ourselves on the back burner, when that is so essential for coming out of it whole.
As we are all painfully aware, the first thing we tend to neglect when going through divorce is learning how to take really good care of ourselves.
I remember the first weeks of my separation, as I was desperately trying to expunge everything in my apartment that reminded me of my husband and our marriage, forgetting to eat. I’d have lunch, but then the next thing I knew it was 1:30 in the morning sitting on my closet floor, being so absorbed in all the drama with my adrenaline pumping, that I hadn’t eaten for over 12 hours.
And I’m someone who usually loves food.
I also remember hardly sleeping those first few months after my now-ex moved out. It would be 3:00 in the morning and I’d still be hunched over my computer, reading about separation agreements, totally forgetting that I had to get up in less than four hours to go to work.
Those days seem like a blur, but I’m sure you have experienced similar bouts during your divorce.
Being so caught up in other things – trying to navigate through the emotional, logistical, financial, and legal struggle – is normal (although unhealthy) behavior during divorce, but here’s the problem with forget to take care of ourselves in the process:
Failing to be kind to ourselves sets a dangerous precedent as we try to recover from divorce. It’s dangerous when we don’t treat ourselves better, we train our minds our minds to think that we don’t deserve rest, relaxation, and kindness.
And that type of toxic learned behavior won’t just go away once the divorce papers are signed. Without mindful intervention, not putting ourselves first will make taking our lives back and learning how to move on post-divorce even more difficult.
So why has it come to this?
The two main reasons we don’t take better care of ourselves during divorce deal with how we feel.
Never feel guilty about allowing yourself to rest. Or get a massage. Or to say “no” to someone or something, especially if it is toxic.
When many of us hear self care, we thing that means some luxurious expensive spa resort that we simply cannot afford – something complicated, expensive, and unattainable.
But it doesn’t have to mean that. Treating ourselves better can be as easy as going to a yoga class. Or going to a salon for a pedicure. Or not cooking tonight and instead ordering take-out that we absolutely love. Or reading a really good book while you soak in the tub.
It’s all about starting small, and and giving yourself something wonderful to look forward to.
When we fail to do even this simple act for ourselves, we make one of the biggest mistakes to our recovery.
We do not understand that self care = self preservation
That’s right.
You may think that you’re too busy to take time and do something for yourself. You may think that you’re doing just fine and don’t need any of those things. However, not only does self-care make you feel good, it is also necessary for your mental and emotional well-being, especially when you are recovering from divorce.
Sometimes, putting ourselves first can be easier said than done, especially when you’re trying to juggle everything else going on. But remember that YOU ARE WORTH IT.
Published here earlier.
Image source: pexels
Martha Bodyfelt is a divorce coach whose website, Surviving Your Split, helps women navigate their divorce with less stress and drama so they can move on with their lives. For your free Divorce Warrior Survival read more...
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People say that women are the greatest enemies of women. I vehemently disagree. It is the patriarchal mindset that makes women believe in the wrong ideology.
The entire world celebrates International Women’s Day on March 8, 2024. It should be a joyful day, but unfortunately, not all women are entitled to this privilege, as violence against women is at its peak. The experience of oppression pushes many women to choose freedom. As far as patriotism is concerned, feminism is not a cup of tea in this society.
What happens when a woman decides to stand up for herself? Does this world easily accept the decisions of women in this society? What inspires them to be free of the clutches of the oppression that women have faced for ages? Most of the time, women do not get the chance to decide for themselves. Their lives are always at the mercy of someone, which can be their parents, siblings, husband, or children.
In some cases, women do not feel the need to make any decisions. They are taught to obey the patriarchal system, which makes them believe that they are right. In my family, I was never taught to make decisions on my own. It was always my parents who bought dresses and all that I needed.
14 years after her last feature film Dhobi Ghat, storyteller extraordinaire comes up with her new film, Laapataa Ladies, a must watch.
*Some spoilers alert*
Every religion around the world dictates terms to women. The onus is always on women to be ‘modest’ and cover their faces and bodies so men can’t be “tempted”, rather than on men to keep their eyes where they belong and behave like civilized beings. So much so that even rape has been excused on the grounds of women eating chowmein or ‘men will be men’. I think the best Hindi movie retort to this unwanted advice on ‘akeli ladki khuli tijori ki tarah hoti hai’ (an alone woman is like an open jewellery box) came from Geet in Jab We Met – Kya aap gyan dene ke paise lete hain kyonki chillar nahin hain mere paas.
The premise of Laapataa Ladies is beautifully simple – two brides clad in the ghunghat that covers their identity get mixed up on a train. Within this Russian Doll, you get a comedy of errors, a story of getting lost, a commentary on patriarchy’s attitude towards women, a mystery, and a tale of finding oneself, all in one. Done with a mostly light touch that has you laughing and nodding along.
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