An Open Letter To A Husband That Everyone Who Is Married Or Plans On Getting Married Should Read

Posted: May 17, 2016

“We both are adults in this equal partnership.” Do read this wonderful letter to a husband from his wife, that discusses the true meaning of marriage.

Dear Husband,

I do not understand from which dictionary you have got the definition of marriage.

It’s been 7 years into this relationship now and we have had our share of ups and downs. We have been trying to figure ourselves and each other out, frustrated to the core about each other’s shortcomings, openly (and sometimes secretly or unwillingly) been proud of each others achievements, tolerated each other on many ‘nails-on-the-blackboard’ kind of irritating occasions, tried to be there for each other in our own capacities and basically been together with all of its drawbacks and pitfalls too.

I have learnt a lot in these 7 years. Some things from you, and some from the situation. I know I am not the easiest ‘wife’ you could have gotten. My thoughts about marriage are very different from the conservative ideas about this institution. And on most of these views I know I stand alone on one side – and you, my parents and your parents stand on the other side.

I have never felt so alone in my life ever before. But I know I am right for myself. Now more so than ever, when I have to put up an example in front of our daughter – I have begun to be firm about how I can make this little world of hers into something more beautiful, more equal.

I know these steps will definitely cut into your (and when I say your, I mean our parent’s generation) belief system, and there will be a lot more hurt and disapproval. But I need to stand my ground on what I believe is right. I hope from the bottom of my heart that you and our parents understand that. It not just me for whom I am standing up. It’s for my daughter.

So here are some things written down clearly, about what I believe a wife is and should be. Here are the things that I am not:

A cook

I will see to it that my daughter gets a healthy nutritious meal most of the times. I take that responsibility. But when it comes to both of us, it should be a combined effort to cook as well as consume.

A maid

The house is an equal space. It is all 3 of us living here, owning it. My daughter is too small to understand cleaning up after her mess, though bless her soul she does help me whenever she understands. I would appreciate it if everybody cleans up after their own mess. Be it the dish that you ate in, the clothes that you throw around, your laptop, your medicines, your every small thing that adds up to the mess.

The sole responsible parent

Our daughter is the responsibility of both of us. I have not gotten her from outside. She is as much yours as she is mine. And so are the responsibilities – that she is well cared for, looked after, dropped and picked up, entertained, made to sleep, made to eat, bathed, washed, etc. Saying that a child needs the mother the most, is a very convenient way of getting out of things. The child needs both parents just as much, being there for her on a daily basis. So the next time you make it sound like you are doing me a favour by dropping your own daughter to her day care, it is not a favour … it’s called parenting.

A punching bag

Ok sometimes to vent out, its fine. But not to be used as a vent out machine for everything wrong in your life. Whatever it is lets deal with it together and not by you bursting out on me.

Your mother

Your mother is a great lady and a wonderful mother. But don’t try to compare me with her or expect me to treat you the way she treats you. I will treat my child with that kind of unconditional love. You are not my child. We both are adults in this equal partnership.

On the other hand here are some things that I am, or will try to be:

An equal

I am there with you, in all your personal ups and downs, cheering you on, understanding, helping, and not demanding.

A contributor

When I believe in equality, I even mean on the side which is not to my benefit. I will never crib about our finances or make some demands which you alone have to fulfill. Both of us will dream together, earn together, spend together and achieve our dreams together. We are in this together.

A friend

To share things with, to laugh with, a shoulder to cry on, your biggest support. I can be your best friend if you allow me to be or if you can treat me with the same respect you treat your friends. I am on your team.

The lone traveller whenever you want me to be

You will have your own personal life and so will I have mine. Not each and every thing of ours has to be shared or common. You can have as much space as you want from me if you can give me that too. I will not be insecure of your path, as long as we can agree to share some part of it for our kid.

I don’t ask for fancy cars or big houses from you. I don’t ask for foreign vacations or diamond rings. We both can earn it together, and for each other. And even if we can’t, we both can enjoy this drudgery of a beautiful life in our 500 square feet wonderful space. We can still give our kid the best that we have to offer.

All I ask from a marriage is for my husband to accept me, respect me, and sometimes when I am down a little bit of cheerleading for me. Have faith in my intentions. Have faith in the human that is me. Love me not as a wife, but as a partner, an equal, and to be treated with dignity.

Your loving Wife

Image source: woman writing a letter by Shutterstock.

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Comments

11 Comments


  1. Lakshmi Padmanabhan -

    Dear Juilee,

    Such a heartfelt post. So true to every word. You have put down everything that a married woman goes through so clearly without mincing words yet not sounding rude. Thank you for echoing the sentiments of many women who are going through the same situation in marriage.

    Best Wishes.

  2. Very well written. Glad to know that I’m not the only one going through this.

  3. Dear Juilee,

    Such a heartfelt post. So true to every word. You have put down everything that a married woman like me is going through..without sounding rude. Thank you for echoing the sentiments of many women like me, who are going through the same situation in marriage.However my husband is still free from the child’s responsibility as he doesn’t wants any child..And I am still struggling in my marriage after 9 years and it’s one side I am and on the other side are my parents and he standing with his parents (my awful inlaws, especially mothein law who thinks he is her son n everything,not my husband)

  4. I bet you’ve voiced the thoughts of many. Keep it going

  5. i am so tensed today. i shared this with my husband. i dont know what will be the response. i think i know this to be the truth, but i am a little hesitant to share these kind of thoughts. they will not be accepted. especially if one does not work BEC of having a child. what a terrible thing. a woman has to fight for her basic dignity

    • Hey Janavi. Hope it went well when you shared with your husband. Let me know the reaction 🙂

  6. “A punching bag
    Ok sometimes to vent out, its fine.”

    if some sometime is fine, then every time is fine. The women of the world are not punching bag, not even for a second.

  7. Hi Juilee! I remember you from NIEM days many manu years ago! What a lovely surprise to come across after all these years. Wonderful post 🙂

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