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Every bride has to step outside her comfort zone once married; the least the new family can do for her is to accept and treat her with respect and equality.
Marriage is a ceremony that usually follows the betrothal of a young couple. The ceremony marks the unity of two individuals and their families.
The above definition of marriage sounds like a perfectly coordinated set of events, where the story ends with a ‘happily ever after’. The practicalities that entail this union are much grimmer, especially for the bride.
The coy bride,
The sweet and oh! So beautiful bride,
She leaves a loving and caring home,
What she is not told is to leave her dreams and pride back home.
The bride, in most cultures, is the ‘new member’. She leaves the comfort of her familiar home. She leaves almost everything that is her own. She not only begins a new life with the man, but more often than not, accepts a whole new family along with holy matrimony.
The new family tends to treat her as a stranger from a distant land right from the initial meeting and greeting to all times to come. The alienation begins from the moment the ceremonies begin and they continue with each passing day, barring the exceptions when the husband or the new family demands love, warmth, affection and absolute reverence! The already-alienated bride is then expected to shoulder responsibilities (sometimes more than she can chew) in areas such as household, professional and most importantly, reproductive. In this entire process, neither the in-laws nor the spouse seem to be mindful of the expectations of the ‘new member’.
From the very childhood, most Indian families begin preparing their daughters for the prospect of future alienation that marriage entails. They share anecdotes pressing hard on acceptable social behavior, norms for the new bride, and the effervescent stride with which the bride is to take everything that comes to her. If one were to view this from an optimist’s perspective, these would seem like sound advice where the lessons of patience, adjustment to new surroundings and unfaltering respect towards a ‘new family’ are preached.
On the other hand, the lessons preached to our men/husbands/sons-to-be may have the soundness of respecting your wife, respecting monogamy, but the most impactful of all advices is the one that iterates the need to ‘be a man’.
Not only is the process unfair in its outlook, but also it is sometimes pathetic in practice. The battles to be fought are too many. The alienated bride does not even have the refuge of ‘being at home’, because that’s where all the battles are lost. The abundance of duties and responsibilities mound her heart and mind alike. The stress begins to seep in and the health of the mind and body deteriorates. The bride continues to struggle to make ends meet. She struggles in her smiles. She struggles at work. But all that she is greeted with is that ‘women have it easy’!
This article does not aim to allege or generalise all husbands or in-laws. It is an attempt to give some food for thought to the new families and their distant relatives around the unfair behavior meted out to the ‘new member’. Challenge after challenge comes until the bride is either tamed or accused of not being well-raised.
The bride leaves one home to make another. The least the ‘new family’ could do is to provide the same love and respect it extends to one of their own. The nourishment of the mind and soul is as necessary for the ‘new member’ as it is for you. Be mindful. Be fair.
Image of a bride’s hands via Shutterstock
Shruti is a Sociology graduate from Miranda House. She pursued a management degree in HR
Thanks, Ganga! The sole intention was to highlight that a lot of our cultural behavior needs to seen from a humane perspective. I am glad you liked it.
So true…The new Bride ie expected to act as a super human…who cannot express their anger disappointments or take a moment or two to be alone.She is always expected to smile sweetly and bear everything even if things are going against her wishes.
Perfectly described! aptly written about the what follows after the happy event. An eye-opener for those who did not think that way to change their attitude, and for the ones who do care to swing into action and show the way.
Absolutely right! And today, when love marriages are more the norm than the exception, the resentment felt by the in-laws because the bride is not what they had wanted her to be-docile, submissive and accepting of every barb, makes her even more alienated. Often, if she is not home, her calls may not be taken, or her friends made unwelcome.
The battles to be fought are too many nothing should change at the in laws house ….she cant adjust shes not one of our own…finally you surrender fighting a loosing battle..
Shruti – well written article. The new bride is not acceptable in most cases..except few rare ones. I was taken aback in many cases when I got married to my then bf now husband. She is given responsibilities with no authority, duties but no power. It’s a husband role to make room for his wife in “his” home and the wife has to either put her foot down to gain the familiarity or have a alienated household all together. I am afraid I chose to do the later. But I am happy contended and satisfied by my decision. And i don’t repent at all.
Thanks for your appreciation. Having said that..let me tell you that I hear you. Its tough. But you have got only one life. Be proud of yourself.
Very well written. The point where u bring the point saying each girl is brought up to adjust to the new family from the beginning. But on the side son is always told to be a man. To add to it, Being husband is another big things in the families. Husband should be respected. whatever husband says, wife should obey kind of mentality is instilled in sons from the beginning. When will this world change!
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