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How much of our identity lives in our surnames? As a woman, would you choose your maiden or married surname?
To me that’s a tricky question; is my name my identity or my surname? Do people identify me by my place of work or is it my blog I am known for. Am I known as a daughter or a wife? I really don’t have an answer. Not having a surname was an idea I was brought up with. My parents believed that my brother and I should be known by our names, and not our surnames; so, I was Parul in school. Yes, I don’t have a last name even on my PAN card. I still find the rationale correct; in a country where having a surname can get you killed or judged by what kind of family background you come from, what religion or region you belong to, it’s much better not having a last name. I took my husband’s last name out of love, but the question that’s on my mind is whether a woman should retain her maiden name or take over husband’s last name.
This is a question that is being debated not just in India, but all over the world. In some countries, if the husband and the wife carry different surnames, they are not considered to be lawfully married. In some, a guy will ask his girl friend about her intentions of changing her surname before he proposes. It is sometimes treated as a matter of trust. In England, close to 50% of women take up their husband’s last name after marriage, and this number has come down over the last two decades. Women also prefer to combine their maiden name and husband’s name; so Ms. A B marries Mr Y Z and is then known as Ms. A B Z. In some communities of India, women even change their first name, and of course, the last name. In some countries, the man takes up his wife’s last name. My point here is that different regions around the world have different beliefs, and it is mostly based on either the prevalent law or culture.
A woman who takes up her husband’s last name due to societal norms may feel a loss of identity, but is it really an identity crisis? Again, there is no right or wrong answer. She could be completely comfortable with a brand new last name or in some cases she may feel that it could have been avoided. What hurts most is when the choice is not left to the individual, and is forced upon.
What’s the best of all is what happens in Greece. I would say what happens in Greece should not stay in Greece. In 1983, Greece wanted to ensure gender equality among spouses, and hence a marriage law was coined as per which every woman in Greece is required to keep her birth name for her whole life. What the rest of us are discussing today was already formalized in an unbiased way in Greece some 3 decades ago.
The cultural norms and social bindings, however liberal they may be, without a law – expect women fit into the cultural and societal norms. The debate will be on because the rate of change for beliefs is slower, but as individuals we should be able to decide for ourselves. A man should not expect a name change from his wife and a woman should not assume that marriage means a change in her last name.
Marriage is a change in itself, and it is more important that couples learn to understand each other’s differences better than setting things common between them.
For me, my last name is not my identity. Who I am makes me, and nothing else can replace that.
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People say that women are the greatest enemies of women. I vehemently disagree. It is the patriarchal mindset that makes women believe in the wrong ideology.
The entire world celebrates International Women’s Day on March 8, 2024. It should be a joyful day, but unfortunately, not all women are entitled to this privilege, as violence against women is at its peak. The experience of oppression pushes many women to choose freedom. As far as patriotism is concerned, feminism is not a cup of tea in this society.
What happens when a woman decides to stand up for herself? Does this world easily accept the decisions of women in this society? What inspires them to be free of the clutches of the oppression that women have faced for ages? Most of the time, women do not get the chance to decide for themselves. Their lives are always at the mercy of someone, which can be their parents, siblings, husband, or children.
In some cases, women do not feel the need to make any decisions. They are taught to obey the patriarchal system, which makes them believe that they are right. In my family, I was never taught to make decisions on my own. It was always my parents who bought dresses and all that I needed.
14 years after her last feature film Dhobi Ghat, storyteller extraordinaire comes up with her new film, Laapataa Ladies, a must watch.
*Some spoilers alert*
Every religion around the world dictates terms to women. The onus is always on women to be ‘modest’ and cover their faces and bodies so men can’t be “tempted”, rather than on men to keep their eyes where they belong and behave like civilized beings. So much so that even rape has been excused on the grounds of women eating chowmein or ‘men will be men’. I think the best Hindi movie retort to this unwanted advice on ‘akeli ladki khuli tijori ki tarah hoti hai’ (an alone woman is like an open jewellery box) came from Geet in Jab We Met – Kya aap gyan dene ke paise lete hain kyonki chillar nahin hain mere paas.
The premise of Laapataa Ladies is beautifully simple – two brides clad in the ghunghat that covers their identity get mixed up on a train. Within this Russian Doll, you get a comedy of errors, a story of getting lost, a commentary on patriarchy’s attitude towards women, a mystery, and a tale of finding oneself, all in one. Done with a mostly light touch that has you laughing and nodding along.
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