Keen to learn more about inclusive workplaces? Want to be inclusive of the LGBTQ+ community? Learn more & request an invitation for a very special 2-hour session here!
In India, love marriages face a lot of judgement and scorn, heaping guilt and tough times upon the couple. Here are 7 keys to making a marriage thrive.
In India, love marriages face a lot of judgement and scorn, heaping guilt and tough times upon the couple. Here are 7 keys to making a marriage thrive!
India – the land of great love stories like Shree-Farhaad, Soni-Mahiwal, Laila-Majnu etc, is also the land where love marriages are still scorned at by certain sections of society! Recently, I found out that it’s not just the generation before us, but even people of similar ages as us, who get judgemental over the issue. Here’s the conversation I had with a male friend, who is an old school friend I happened to meet again on Facebook-
Him: So, you got married? What does your husband do? Me: yup. He is an engineer too. Him: what’s his name? Me: (I provide the name) Him: (surprised smiley) Love marriage? Me: yup Him: Ok (Pause for 10 minutes) Me: what about you? Him: oh! I married in my caste only. Arranged marriage. It’s simple and respectful to parents.
Argh!
Here’s a person with the same education as me, but in his eyes I obviously did the wrong thing. True, no one can make you feel bad without your permission, but the verdict is out – just because I had an inter-caste love marriage. That’s the hypocrisy of India, an eloped couple loses respect in the eyes of elders. SRK gave a solution to the eloping issue in DDLJ, where proper respect is given to the parent’s wishes. So, the new trend is of waiting for your parents to give in. But even if one did not elope, even if you had a proper marriage, things are assumed and judgements passed.
But it also made me think of the other side of it, how mane marriages survive? And what’re the statistics of how many arranged marriages fail versus how many love marriages fail?
And by failure I don’t mean divorce, I mean failure in the sense where a couple stays together for society, kids, or just resigns to fate.
I have nothing against arranged marriages, I think it’s a beautiful way of union where everyone gets a say, two families come together – not just two people – and you always get someone to blame if things go wrong!
But then I have nothing against or for love marriages too. If two people are mature enough to feel that they can spend their lives together, nothing/no one should stop them. And if the same couple, after some time, feels that they made a mistake, nothing should stop them at doing what is right. Only love and mutual respect should be the reason for two people to be together, not the “what will people say” fear, not kids, not finances, and not the fear of being a social outcast in case a marriage ends.
Sadly, in India, a divorced man or woman becomes a social outcast. And that makes many unhappy couples stay together. In my opinion, we have one life to live, and we should max out on it. It’s not worth spending the one life we get in regrets or worry or sadness.
So, here’s a list I formulated for love-marriage couples to stay in love:
(Applicable to arranged marriages too, I guess, if the couple is in love and not in a compromised ah-that’s-my-life stage)
1. Respect each other
One of the reasons you got married was your respect for each other, don’t let anything or anyone change that.
2.There will be judgements
Accept that there will always be people jealous of you, or just people like my school friend above, who will be judgemental towards your decision. Don’t let them affect you. True, we get carried away with people trying to instigate us, but let your reaction remain calm. Let a little sacred spot in your relationship be untouched. As long as you both have that spot, nothing can break you.
3. Be bold enough to point out when the other is being an ass
Remember the time before marriage when you were just friends and you rocked your friendship by being brutally honest to each other? Dont let the label of “husband” and “wife” change the honesty. Above all, don’t let responsibilities ruin your friendship.
4. Have realistic expectations from your partner
You are the best judge of who you married. If you fell in love with a modern, jeans-clad colleague, don’t suddenly expect her to wear sarees, and when she does once in a while, appreciate her. And girls, once in a while, try wearing a saree just to please your friend. Trust me, nothing beats the look of awe and happiness in your partner’s eyes!
5. Most importantly, let go of the guilt
We have a tendency of feeling guilty, thanks to society – which thinks you somehow robbed your parents of something by marrying according to your wishes. And if you yourself feel guilty, and at every moment overshadow your marriage with that guilt, you won’t survive long. Your partner should not have to suffer for your guilt. Grow up, and move on. No one is suffering because of your decision. Only you are.
6. Fight fair
There is no real relationship without fights. But when you do, fight fair. And most importantly, don’t let the other person feel unwanted. Because, in a marriage, the most important person for your partner is you. Don’t ever forget that, try to see the love beneath the anger.
7. Lastly, know when to give up
In spite of all your efforts, sometimes people change. If it’s not working out, maybe it’s not your fault. Learn to give up at the right time. Don’t be a 50-year-old person regretting a loveless marriage. Have the courage to call it quits.
There are many more things that might work for people based on their individual experiences, but I think the basic thing is to make it work. Like the father in the movie “Just Married” tells Ashton, most days you have to work on a marriage. A photo album will not have the days you worked on a marriage, but the album is made of the happy days that were there because of the days you worked.
Pic credit: Image of bride and groom via Shutterstock.
Author, Blogger, Mother, Daughter, Wife & Mechanical Engineer https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/6696131.Dixy_Gandhi read more...
Women's Web is an open platform that publishes a diversity of views, indivisual posts do not necessarily represent the platofrom's views and opinions at all times.
Stay updated with our Weekly Newsletter or Daily Summary - or both!
Mothers do things for you out of love, so please treat them with respect and dignity at your home, especially in front of your in laws, and ask your in laws to share responsibilities.
Motherhood isn’t just a word. It’s a world in itself…of love, labor and commitment that goes beyond a lifetime, when we don’t really have a concept of flying the nest and mothers are required to be battle ready to shoulder every responsibility at any age.
As a new mom I too had my share of struggles like every woman, and reached out to my mom for help. Sadly, since she had health issues of her own she agreed reluctantly and was uneasy throughout her stay, which disappointed me. Only later did I know that she had suffered from serious menopausal problems that made her edgy and nervous in difficult situations, and it left me with a sense of regret of not taking the effort of understanding her troubles.
Neelu might have outwardly forgiven Ramesh, but in her mind, which once was filled with unconditional love for Ramesh, there was now a seed of resentment.
Ramesh’s footsteps paused at the entrance of the hotel’s ballroom. Inside, his school’s reunion party was going in full swing. The air was heavy, as expensive perfumes and the aroma of food from the buffet table, mingled. There were low murmurs, tinkling laughs and clinks of cutlery.
Ramesh had not wanted to come, knowing that she would be there. She, Neelu, who once had been the love of his life. Taking a deep breath, Ramesh entered the room. His eyes found Neelu almost immediately. She still looked the same. Maybe there was now grey in her hair and a few wrinkles on her face. But her vivacity, her mannerisms were still the same. Things, that had first attracted him.
Love or arranged marriage - the dilemma that haunts many young women today. A simple story about a young woman.
Love or arranged marriage- the dilemma that haunts many young women today. A simple story about a young woman.
Megha sipped her latte and looked out of the window. She was dreading the conversation with Baba. He had given her an ultimatum. “Megha I do not want to pressurize you but you need to understand our situation as well. We are not coercing you into marrying Aditya. We are just asking you to meet him. That too in an informal setup. You choose the place. Coffee day, a shopping mall, any restaurant of your choice or the park. We do understand times have changed and we do not expect you to say a Yes immediately. Take your time. Only when you feel comfortable we will go ahead. If there is anything that makes you feel uneasy, we will decline beta. Your happiness is what matters”
Megha was 25, a smart young girl, she worked for an IT company- loved music, bollywood movies and shopping. She liked spending time with her friends. Though she was an easy going girl, she was crystal clear about her goals in life, what she wanted to achieve professionally and her plans for marriage, the kind of man she was looking for to be her life partner.
Happily ever after in actually not a dream concept, one can actually live it. Here are 8 ways to make it happen.
I feel if I have decided to get married, I also have the responsibility to make it successful.
I feel if there is something that you can build with your partner on a daily basis then that is friendship and try to make it stronger with each passing day.