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You don't have to bear the burden of a bad marriage forever. Leaving for your happiness and that of your partner is a sane, practical choice, says this post.
You don’t have to bear the burden of a bad marriage forever. Leaving for your happiness and that of your partner is a sane, practical choice, says this post.
As a little girl, I always thought of marriage like an eternal bond – something pious, fulfilling, and everlasting; like it is shown in our movies – two people, so immersed in love, get married. Simple! Little did I know back then, that it was way more complicated than that.
Today, having been married for a little over a year, I wonder at the state of relationships after marriage today. The plethora of tumultuous relationships is sad, with many fragile, and far from being rock solid. While it saddens me to see some of my close ones going through a rough patch in their relationship and some others already separated, I feel somewhat happy for them. Relieved is actually the right word.
While the outcome of their love might not be exactly near happiness at this moment, I think it happens for the best. Notwithstanding the fact that the ride wasn’t smooth for them, I still think they are right in holding their grounds and wanting a separation. I often find myself talking to a lot of them undergoing long, painful separations and I make sure I seldom use the term “I understand what you are going through”. Because I can’t. In fact, nobody can.
The seed behind this article is not to dwell on the reasons why it didn’t work or why it should have. I am sure the reasons why they are not ready to continue living with each other must be something concrete. The truth is – it didn’t work, and looking at separation as an option is best for the moment. So this one goes out to everyone who has or is going through a bad phase in their marital life and all of the people who look at someone with a broken marriage as a kind of weakness. It is important to leave the building than to linger around for nothing:
Taking a huge leap of faith and wanting to end the marriage may look seemingly weak and immoral at times, but it seems like the best bet now. Instead of bearing the brunt of infidelity or lack of love, separation is sane – as the present is too precious to be wasted away. If it feels right at the moment after bouts of endless trial sessions on your tolerance, accept it and walk off, it is only right.
Yes, I have seen most of my shy, meek, soft-spoken friends turning over a new leaf after they experience turbulence in their married life. They are not gullible anymore, are somewhat independent, and have clearly stood on their own. Surprisingly, a bad tryst with destiny has made them tough and brazen.
Giving up on a marriage or on a person is actually not giving up on life. People need to understand that. In fact, cutting yourself from a relationship proves the point that you are bruised and hurt, but not scared. You have seen so much drama and can weather any storms in the future.
Suffocating you and your partner in a loveless marriage is the worst thing ever. Some couples have full-blown affairs outside just because they don’t want to screw the happiness of their children! I asked a close friend of mine who had married her childhood sweetheart and was divorcing him after being together for almost 10 years, married for 5. She replied, “Because love deserted us and as much as I want to see myself happy, I wish the same for him”.
Maybe one of you stopped trying, or maybe you lost the connection somehow. Sh*t happens. But somehow, even after the blame game, it is mostly nobody’s fault or maybe both were at fault. Whatever the reason would have been, it was perhaps never meant to be.
Sometimes some people have a façade around them, or maybe you were the one blinded by the love. And after marriage, the blindfold comes off. A couple of my friends have expressed their regret on not seeing this earlier. But most of them stood their ground and refused to submit to the dysfunctional marriage they initially tried to nurture. They loved, married, left, and re-married again to find love and happiness.
Yes, as much as you thought you loved the person and now married them, marriage is a game-changer. So, it is okay if you feel you have tried long enough and it is simply not helping. Walk off, and be alone for a while. Maybe you had been rushed into marriage by family pressures, love, or age concerns. Stay alone for a while and figure out what you really want. Usually all our answers lie in our head, until we find them.
Yes, what would the world say – with whom should I share and from whom should I withhold? Truth is, because of the social media storm, it is impossible to conceal anything until and unless you live solitary. Sadly, people will know – maybe versions of your story, some, or all of it. But then, they don’t get to see the daily drama, the tears, the ugly spats, and those unresolved issues. So trying to save your marriage for fear of societal norms is only going to make things worse.
Not everyone can attempt to dissolve their months, years, or decades of togetherness. But hats off to those who go through this tussle in their lives and take a stand. From an outsider’s perspective, it may earn you some raised eyebrows, but it requires lot of courage to go through that.
Because it is important. Because you deserve a drama-free life now. Because if you don’t do it now, you will never take the plunge. Because it is important you follow what you want. Because divorce maybe be bitter, seem like blasphemy, or morally incorrect, but it may be right for you. Because you need to go into the unknown and find your own answers. Because the complications need to be unraveled and you need to venture out and find yourself, in the midst of all these.
Pic credit: image of arguing couple via Shutterstock
Meet Divya, Indian born-Swedish resident caught up in a world of contradictions ready to unravel the simple joys of life.She writes for Women's Web, LifeHack, Scoop Whoop and The Times Of India. read more...
Women's Web is an open platform that publishes a diversity of views, individual posts do not necessarily represent the platform's views and opinions at all times.
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Mostly Normal is a book of innocence, longing, filial love, angst and acceptance, encapsulating a gamut of human emotions within its lightweight edifice. The book touches the human heart and will stay with you.
Some books enthral you till the last page, and then there are those that you stop reading after turning a few pages. Some books are a one-time read, while you carry some books with you long after you have read them. Then, once in a while, a book hits you so close to home that you find it difficult to slot into any category.
I will put Priyadeep Kaur’s Mostly Normal (BookSoul Reads, 2022) in this last bracket.
At a little less than hundred pages, Mostly Normal is a testimony of the power of words to inspire, irrespective of their length.
Most women do not get to live their lives the way they want, on their own terms. So why should they be tied down in their old age?
Every morning, while dropping the kids at the bus stop, I find a grandfather waiting with his granddaughter. I see him again when I fetch the kids. This has been the pattern for the last few years.
He is seen actively participating in his granddaughter’s activities, from morning and evening walks to attending her parent-teachers meeting, sending her for extracurricular activities to even planning her birthday party. He is admired by all. He is appreciated for making himself useful in his old age. People rave that the doting grandfather is doing his duty towards his children and grandchildren. The much-admired grandfather is also a widower, having lost his wife years ago to chronic disease. It’s also to be noted that both his son and daughter-in-law are working parents.
Every day, the onlookers appreciate his sense of duty and dedication. They say that this is how the elderly should keep themselves occupied. They should bring up their grandchildren while their children go off to work.
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