Jab Harry Met Sejal is truly…Something. Here’s a sneak peek at how the movie (possibly) came about.
Dear Imtiaz, SRK,
Oh, boy! Where do I start? Let us get down to the brass stacks first!
What exactly were you snorting on, Dudes? Spill the beans already! You had to be high on something to make THIS and pass off on US!
I’m imagining the scene at Mannat…you are both in the balcony – just chilling, having red wine.
SRK: “Yaar Imtiaz ‘Piktur banate’!”
Imtiaz: “Shah! No Mon, No Fun!”
SRK: “No worries! Home Production! Mirchi lagadenge! Woh bhi lalwaali!”
Imtiaz: “Story? My last outing was a ‘Tamasha’, you know!”
SRK: “Why do you need a story when I can be in each frame, in HD? Tumhe pata haina, I can romance even a doorknob! Line lag jaayegi ticket counter pe! You try yet another angst filled, nomadic, overgrown man-child, who needs rescuing by another scatterbrained soul-searcher! Ooh I’m getting goose pimples. And get that Bengali babu who churns out killer Punjabi beats!”
Imtiaz : “Bro! You are a Rockstar! Socha Na Tha, Ahista Ahista kya Cocktail ban rahi Hai!”
SRK: “There’s more! Let’s show Europe and get all the travel agents on board! Discount mil jayegi! Better still. I will play a travel guide. Of course, I will drive a dishy car, sport kickass threads. What say to three buttons open with a tattoo peeking out?”
Imtiaz: “Done! We also recycle the title of my most successful flick. What will be the angst about? I have already dealt with ‘follow your call’, ‘dreams’, ‘molesting’ “
SRK: “Who cares? Punjab ki Khet B/W mein aur Colour dikhadena. Show some grooving lassies in dhinchak costumes, which even the locals wouldn’t be caught dead wearing. All in the name of authenticity! Be with me Bro. I will lead you, whenever you need help. Actually, that could be every minute.”
Imtiaz : “Don’t worry! So long as you are putting in the monies! Who will play the heroine?”
SRK : “Anoushka ko lelete. Sweet hai, simple hai. Sister types. Wife won’t get jealous too. Dippy bahut Pricey ban gayi, Vin Diesel ke saath, kaam jo karli”
Imtiaz : “I’m dancing on the ‘High’Way now!”
SRK : “Gujjus are the flavor of the year. Let us make Anoushka mouth silly Gujjuisms to get the laughs. I will play hard to get while she frets why I can’t paw the sexy her. I will then protect Anoushka from goons at a pub and she will swoon to become the ‘Cheap Aurat’ who will run away from her engagement, settled posh life, to become a Mrs. Tourist Guide. How romantic na? The Snap-chat Gen will simply eat out of my hands. And one more thing! I really want to kiss on screen yaar! 50+ ka ho gaya hoon! Aur CV mein, not even one smooching scene!”
At this point Imtiaz passes out and SRK marches into the house, singing happily “BadSHAH hoon main BADShah!”
(The Puckering Scene is the yuckiest I have seen so far! I got home and washed out my mouth.)