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My MIL has always bullied me. After my FIL’s demise, naturally her trips to our place have increased. I understand her need to get emotional support from her son. But I am not able to adjust.
Trigger Warning: This deals with domestic violence, depression, and suicidal thoughts, and may be triggering for survivors.
Self love, self-respect, taking care of oneself etc are much talked about things in current times and for all the right reasons. I too believe in all of these. But it is coming at a cost to me. If I am giving importance to myself then someone I love is getting hurt. And I am a harsh critique of myself for I keep judging my actions all the time.
This leads to a lot of mess in my head, making me feel sad, withdrawn all the time. I do not see a way out of this. I want to love and spend time with people who matter to me. But somehow I am not able to do that. I do not like to fake emotions and hence clearly express how I feel especially to my husband. I have heard a lot that one should not be completely transparent with their spouse but then again, I am not able to refrain myself.
I do have issues with my mother-in-law. She is a very self-centric person who only cares to love herself. And life threw a big googly at me some time ago. Unfortunately, my father-in-law passed away last year, a very bad thing to happen with my husband’s family. Also, in the last one year my husband and I have drifted apart from each other. His intention is to balance both sides and I am very aware of the efforts he is putting in. But somehow things are not getting on track despite all efforts.
His mother is a very smart lady who knows to manipulate things for her own benefit. I do feel even today that my duty tells me to have my MIL stay with us but I have not been comfortable when she is around in the same house. Some sense of pause my life takes. And this feeling is real, I am not exaggerating this at all.
My husband feels that I am incompetent and incapable of managing this small thing. And now I feel completely stuck in life. On one side I don’t feel comfortable when she is around, on other hand I feel I am wrong for feeling like this. I love my husband but the package that he has brought with himself feels like a burden to me. I am sounding very selfish. But I feel so weird from within that I cannot explain. I do get suicidal thoughts.
I am the only child of my parents and have been brought in a decently progressive environment. My father had a concern with our marriage as my husband’s family is not very well off and we belonged to a business family. He finally overlooked this thing as my husband was a great person. Little did I realise then that his mother is going to compensate for all his goodness.
We have been married for two and a half years, and the first year of my marriage was like a horror story. I had never felt less welcomed at any point in my life. My MIL is an egoist, and she did not leave a chance to bully me. I have never received any mental/ emotional/ physical support from her till date. But I was still okay as I thought as long as she is staying away, I should be able to manage things.
But after my FIL’s demise, naturally her trips to our place have increased. I understand her need to get the emotional support from her son. But I am not able to adjust. My husband is saying I should ignore things which I am not able to.
People advise that you should keep negative people far away from your life. But I cannot do that. I am really in an ethical dilemma. What should I do?
Sometimes I think it would be better to die in an accident. What do I do?
If you or anyone you know is feeling depressed or suicidal, here are some of the helplines available in India. Please call.
Aasra, Mumbai: 022-27546669
Sneha, Chennai: 044-2464 0050
Lifeline, Kolkata: 033-2474 4704
Sahai, Bangalore: 080-25497777
Roshni, Hyderabad: 040-66202000, 040-66202001
SPEAK2us – Tamilnadu 9375493754
Image source: Still from short film Sanskari Bahu/JK Chopra films via YouTube
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I recommend reading Manjiri Indurkar's Origami Aai alongside her memoir to have a fulfilling and enriching experience of telling one's story with grace.
It’s All In Your Head, M famed author Manjiri Indurkar’s debut poetry collection, Origami Aai, is independent and yet an extension of her memoir in which she speaks with utmost grace about all forms of abuses that she has survived. In this book of intriguing and evocative poems, the poet weaves words to form images of the everyday life of her middle-class family, love found and lost, trauma, and healing.
The collection is divided into four segments, beginning with the family, slowly moving towards the world, and finally colliding them together.
We aren’t in mourning, but we are creatures of habit.
So we talk of each one who died of drowning,
and I listen to her stories with the patience
of a chronicler.
– Funereal Stories
When someone accuses you of "too much feminism", what they are really saying is, "I am uncomfortable with you challenging the status quo and disrupting my privilege".
Time and again, there is one phrase that keeps coming up in the social media discourse on feminism. Any guesses?
Ah, no prizes for guessing the infamous “itni bhi feminist” or “too much feminism” phrase, a classic eye-roller for me, and I am sure for many more of my tribe, in the realm of gender equality discussions.
Pray tell me, how can an ideology, a movement be too ‘much’? It’s not salt or the seasoning of your soup where you can go, “Oops, too much salt, only one spoon was required”. Either you stand for what feminism stands for, or you don’t.
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