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My MIL And I Don’t Get Along And My Husband Blames Me For This — What To Do?

My MIL has always bullied me. After my FIL’s demise, naturally her trips to our place have increased. I understand her need to get emotional support from her son. But I am not able to adjust.

Trigger Warning: This deals with domestic violence, depression, and suicidal thoughts, and may be triggering for survivors.

Self love, self-respect, taking care of oneself etc are much talked about things in current times and for all the right reasons. I too believe in all of these. But it is coming at a cost to me. If I am giving importance to myself then someone I love is getting hurt. And I am a harsh critique of myself for I keep judging my actions all the time.

This leads to a lot of mess in my head, making me feel sad, withdrawn all the time. I do not see a way out of this. I want to love and spend time with people who matter to me. But somehow I am not able to do that. I do not like to fake emotions and hence clearly express how I feel especially to my husband. I have heard a lot that one should not be completely transparent with their spouse but then again, I am not able to refrain myself.

I do have issues with my mother-in-law. She is a very self-centric person who only cares to love herself.  And life threw a big googly at me some time ago. Unfortunately, my father-in-law passed away last year, a very bad thing to happen with my husband’s family. Also, in the last one year my husband and I have drifted apart from each other. His intention is to balance both sides and I am very aware of the efforts he is putting in. But somehow things are not getting on track despite all efforts.

Irreparable breakdown of bonds

His mother is a very smart lady who knows to manipulate things for her own benefit. I do feel even today that my duty tells me to have my MIL stay with us but I have not been comfortable when she is around in the same house. Some sense of pause my life takes. And this feeling is real, I am not exaggerating this at all.

My husband feels that I am incompetent and incapable of managing this small thing. And now I feel completely stuck in life. On one side I don’t feel comfortable when she is around, on other hand I feel I am wrong for feeling like this. I love my husband but the package that he has brought with himself feels like a burden to me. I am sounding very selfish. But I feel so weird from within that I cannot explain. I do get suicidal thoughts.

I am the only child of my parents and have been brought in a decently progressive environment. My father had a concern with our marriage as my husband’s family is not very well off and we belonged to a business family. He finally overlooked this thing as my husband was a great person. Little did I realise then that his mother is going to compensate for all his goodness.

Life remains in a dark place

We have been married for two and a half years, and the first year of my marriage was like a horror story. I had never felt less welcomed at any point in my life. My MIL is an egoist, and she did not leave a chance to bully me. I have never received any mental/ emotional/ physical support from her till date. But I was still okay as I thought as long as she is staying away, I should be able to manage things.

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But after my FIL’s demise, naturally her trips to our place have increased. I understand her need to get the emotional support from her son. But I am not able to adjust. My husband is saying I should ignore things which I am not able to.

People advise that you should keep negative people far away from your life. But I cannot do that. I am really in an ethical dilemma. What should I do?

Sometimes I think it would be better to die in an accident. What do I do?

If you or anyone you know is feeling depressed or suicidal, here are some of the helplines available in India. Please call. 
Aasra, Mumbai: 022-27546669
Sneha, Chennai: 044-2464 0050
Lifeline, Kolkata: 033-2474 4704
Sahai, Bangalore: 080-25497777
Roshni, Hyderabad: 040-66202000, 040-66202001
SPEAK2us – Tamilnadu 9375493754

Image source: Still from short film Sanskari Bahu/JK Chopra films via YouTube

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