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Men who are sexual harassers are just overgrown boys who can't believe they've just been refused that candy they want.
Men who are sexual harassers are just overgrown boys who can’t believe they’ve just been refused that candy they want.
Trigger Warning: This speaks of violence against women and sexual harassment and may be triggering to a survivor.
Many recent events like the regrettable Tarun Tejpal acquittal, the #MeToo happening in the context of Chennai schools, etc. made me reflect on what exactly is wrong with our society, and men in particular, and that there should be something concrete we can do about it.
So here goes.
How to behave with women if there are others around who could potentially act as witnesses.
How to back off a bit (only a bit, mind you) and exercise caution when threatened with serious consequences.
How to cleverly write messages and letters of apology without incriminating themselves.
How to make the right noises and politically correct remarks in public.
How to use their considerable privilege, financial resources, time, and effort in building up this perception of themselves as kind, generous, GOOD men.
Actually, there is only one thing men need to learn: Taking NO for an answer.
But that is complex.
~ Because we will not talk to our sons (or students) about puberty or desire or sex, not even in hushed whispers
~ Because boys and men are fed the notion that girls and women are less than them. (It is subconscious, not something anyone is aware of.)
~ Because males accumulate insecurities for decades. Repressed emotions, a lack of means to communicate and tools to address their psychological problems.
~ Because boys get the message – relentlessly, from the day they are born – that they are a gift to the world. This breeds entitlement that takes forever to dismantle.
How can someone so entitled accept that people can actually refuse them something they want? So, every NO is feeble. All protests fall short. Even two years of saying NO is not enough.
And to most men, women are just that: Candy. Objects. Trophies. Property. Not humans with feelings and opinions, likes and dislikes …
How do men view women? As stereotypes or as human beings in the flesh with all their complexities?
Do men listen, really listen, to women? Or do they TALK AT women?
Until we do the hard work that all of this involves and have those difficult conversations – in our roles as parents/caregivers, teachers, responsible men, bystanders, lawmakers, law enforcers, activists, artists, feminists, journalists, writers, managers, CEOs, whatever – we will continue to vent our frustration every time there is a case in the news (as with the Chennai schools) or a misogynistic judgement (like the Tejpal one).
Image source: a still from the film English Vinglish
Arundhati Venkatesh is a children's books author. Her books have won several awards, including the SCBWI Crystal Kite Award 2015 for India, Middle East and Asia for read more...
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But what if you could highlight the pleasure of eating a mango? Mango-eating has always been the stuff slurpy, sloppy moments are made of.
Someone once said, ‘A little coitus never hoitus.’ Or, as a passage from an ancient Indian text says, ‘The horse and mare, the bull and deer, form the high union, while the horse and deer form the highest union. On the female side, the elephant and bull, the mare and hare, form low unions, while…’
Apparently, the animals represent people who are trying to have a union, that is, sex. This passage shows how the ancient Indians knew a thing or two about the birds and the bees and the hares and the mares. We had passion or kaam. And we had the Kama Sutra.
Unlike the earlier WAGs, Ms Sharma was already a celebrity with a huge following, before she got hitched. Why should peeps question now, when she shared her thoughts about one of the toughest times of their life?
Behind every successful woman, there is a ‘Kaam Waali Bai’ and a ‘Calm Waale Spouse’.
Similarly, behind every successful married man, there is a fabulous understanding woman. She could be the warm cuddler, a fierce tigress or someone who will hold the mirror to show the true picture.
Rape and sexual violence are power tools, they have little or nothing to do with desire or lust and everything to do exercising power over those can be dominated.
Rape and sexual violence are power tools, they have little or nothing to do with desire or lust, and everything to do exercising power over those who can be dominated.
Trigger Warning: This has child sexual abuse, gang rape, violence against women, and may be triggering for survivors.
On the 31st of August, 14 men including two railway employees and several autorickshaw drivers have been arrested over the rape of a 13-year-old child.
The focus on safety measures, and considering rapists as 'oversexed' men, is utterly wrong. It's important to treat rape as a crime of power and eradicate its very roots.
The focus on safety measures, and considering rapists as ‘oversexed’ men, is utterly wrong. It’s important to treat rape as a crime of power and eradicate its very roots.
The recent incident of four men raping a Hyderabad-based Vet sent shock waves across the country again. But whenever rape happens in India, people overlook analysing the whys and get into a rut of reactions.
There are some standard responses from people around. One is victim blaming – people will start analysing everything, from the woman’s clothes, to the time it happened to the safety measures she did not seek. In this case for instance, many people pointed out that she could have called the police.