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Changing your surname after marriage is neither legally necessary, nor something your husband can force you to do. Stand up for your rights!
A month before my tenth boards, we were asked to fill an application form with all our details. To ensure that there is no slip-up while sending our details to the board, for what would ultimately be on our tenth class certificate, our parents had to come in person and clarify even if there was any minor mismatch.
When the Principal called my parents, I didn’t quite know why, since I’d written all the details correctly. I patiently waited for the Principal to call me in.
“Your mom’s surname and dad’s surname are different,” she remarked. “Yes ma’am,” I replied coolly. “But mom will have dad’s surname, right?” she asked, as if teaching me. “No ma’am. Mom didn’t take dad’s surname after the wedding. She retained her maiden surname. I can show you her certificates after the wedding and childbirth too. They have her maiden surname only.” “Okay, that’s not required, but how did she not change?” “Ma’am that’s….that’s her choice?” “Okay,” she said, deep in thought.
Are you in deep thought as well? Many of us don’t know that our surname is our choice. No rule, law or statute tells you to take your husband’s surname, for any purpose. Only men with a dicey male ego and their entitled families will tell you to.
If a woman takes her husband’s surname after marriage owing to her own choice, that’s great. But if she chooses to retain her maiden surname, will we call her great?
Hell, no. She’s a threat to the honourable Indian culture and tradition based on which she ‘belongs’ to her husband after the wedding.
Several women, a majority of them in fact are under the misconception that changing your surname is compulsory. The self-declared supermen of their lives tell them to change their surnames or else some XYZABC certificate will become invalid, and women oblige. Or their MIL tells them it is compulsory, and they oblige. If this is not oppression, then what is it?
If a woman questions her in-laws as to why they want her to change her surname, she’ll be bashed for being too bold and denying the revered Indian culture. A woman who encourages others to make their own choices is a characterless home-breaker.
Which man makes a fuss because of your surname, unless it is hitting his oh-so-fragile male ego?
I’ve seen many women who’ve changed their surnames because they were made to believe it is compulsory. When I told them that changing your surname is not compulsory, they were wonderstruck. And their families looked at me like a villain, for informing a woman of her rights.
Now that women are not being browbeaten by them, our culture-protectors are finding new ways. They say that taking your husband’s surname is a matter of pride and respect. Sorry, not interested.
We have become so habituated and bent on changing our surnames after wedding that, anything against the same seems bizarre and violating norms. No, my lady, you aren’t violating anything here, except the ideal housewife rule-list. For 25-26 years of your life, you made an identity and stood on your own legs, achieved great heights with that surname. Can a man coerce you to change it right now, because he married you?
I’m not here to tell what’s right and what’s wrong. You can take his surname, retain yours or do whatever. Please know that you CAN do whatever is okay with you. Don’t fall for men telling you that some benefit will be stopped or some certificate will go invalid if you don’t take their surname. Even if someone deprives you of something because you didn’t take your husband’s surname, fight against this culture of conditioning women. This society will try to influence you by hook or crook. Please stay firm. For years, this society has witnesses women nodding their heads. So if you put your chin up and speak, it will be taken aback.
I was told that being so adamant about a surname can lead to a broken marriage. If a man wants to break his wedding vows just because I retained my surname, I’ll gladly walk out of such an unfair relationship.
A woman’s choice is being questioned everywhere and a surname is just one of them. But what is appalling is how women are tricked into believing that it is compulsory. Is this not a form of fraud?
Today, the law is in our favour. Let us all equip ourselves with enough knowledge about the subject. So when we find someone who’s crazily obsessed with surname change, we can suggest to him that he change his.
Image via Pexels
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Excerpts from an interview with Arathi Rajagopalan, founder of ‘House of Kalart’ – a fusion jewellery label that merges global aesthetics and traditional craftsmanship.
When did you start ‘House of Kalart’ and what was the intention?
I started House of Kalart in 2017 as a venture where painting, drawing and embroidery are married with metalsmithing to create well-handcrafted fashion jewellery. Along with painting and styling, the venture aims to create a holistic fashion experience for a bold and dramatic woman!” As a child, I had always been fascinated by arts and crafts.
How much of our identity lives in our surnames? As a woman, would you choose your maiden or married surname?
To me that’s a tricky question; is my name my identity or my surname? Do people identify me by my place of work or is it my blog I am known for. Am I known as a daughter or a wife? I really don’t have an answer. Not having a surname was an idea I was brought up with. My parents believed that my brother and I should be known by our names, and not our surnames; so, I was Parul in school. Yes, I don’t have a last name even on my PAN card. I still find the rationale correct; in a country where having a surname can get you killed or judged by what kind of family background you come from, what religion or region you belong to, it’s much better not having a last name. I took my husband’s last name out of love, but the question that’s on my mind is whether a woman should retain her maiden name or take over husband’s last name.
This is a question that is being debated not just in India, but all over the world. In some countries, if the husband and the wife carry different surnames, they are not considered to be lawfully married. In some, a guy will ask his girl friend about her intentions of changing her surname before he proposes. It is sometimes treated as a matter of trust. In England, close to 50% of women take up their husband’s last name after marriage, and this number has come down over the last two decades. Women also prefer to combine their maiden name and husband’s name; so Ms. A B marries Mr Y Z and is then known as Ms. A B Z. In some communities of India, women even change their first name, and of course, the last name. In some countries, the man takes up his wife’s last name. My point here is that different regions around the world have different beliefs, and it is mostly based on either the prevalent law or culture.
The name and surname you have from childhood is your identity and the name on all your documents. Why should marriage mean that a woman has to change it?
Marriage is a turning point in everyone’s life regardless of the gender or our social and cultural status.
A girl is raised like any other boy in every household with lots of love affection and pampering. She is educated as per her interest and capabilities. Her education has been financially sponsored by the parents on par with any other boy in his house.