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Yes, Bharat Is Not Oscar Material. But You Knew That Already, Didn’t You?

Posted: June 7, 2019

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Lifelong vows, Shanti, Destinies separated by countries, National Anthem, banian shots and of course the sassiest Katrina Kaif. Reason enough for you to watch Bharat?

Okay, me thinks, I’m a sucker for paid punishment.

I pay. I watch. I wonder about my judgment skills. 

The baseline is this.

I cited the ‘I shall abide by you’ marital vow and bulldozed the husband to be my movie companion while the children goaded him to be stronger and run for his life. The scarring memories of Zero were still fresh in everyone’s memory. Poor husband capitulated.

As the husband came home after downing the mandatory expensive movie munchies, he said to his darling dotty, “Tu badi lucky hai. You chose wisely to stay home.” 

Me thinks, he is seriously redrawing the marital vows to escape the future punishing endorsements of his love for me.

Acchaji. Let’s get down to the real issue. 

What is the movie all about?

Since I read all the reviews and still chose to go, it shows how nutty I am. And if you are basing your ‘To-Be or Not-To-Be’ dilemma on this piece, well, read on…

This being a Salman Khan flick, if you are looking for Oscar-worthy material, well you should be given the ‘Golden Kela’ award. 

Bharat is that fruit punch where all those big chunks with seeds are there for you to savour and spit simultaneously.

Okay, there is that ‘Border’ing obsession, the unconditional love for a little girl – don’t be naughty, we aren’t talking about Disha Patani!

Aman, shanti, destinies separated by countries, National Anthem and of course the sassiest Katrina Kaif, the fiery femme-fatale who says, ‘I think, mouth and do, what I like!’ That’s one fine line to carry home.

What is with her wild curls though? For most of the film she looks as though she abhors a comb and has managed to plug in all her fingers into the nearest electrical socket.

There is that all-encompassing and overpowering burden of a ‘vachan’ (vow). Young boy promises his dad and spends a lifetime making sure he holds up and stands up tall to that promise, managing five cool looks, acing all kinds of odd jobs across the globe, bashing up baddies, all without a strand of hair out of place. So brawny I tell you. Now, who in our epics had such daddy issues. Don’t go Hey-Ram on me now, alright?

Accha, there is a live-in angle too, with Mommie-Dearest’s blessings.

Tomorrow, don’t be too surprised, if your progeny says, ‘When Bharat-Bhai does a live-in, his Ma says with tears in her eyes and smiles on her much-pinched face, ‘Go ahead Beta! Make Your Day. And you can’t do the same for me?”

Before election 2019, all our gyaani pundits said, “This man is the great divider of India!”. Yet he came back with a thumper majority no?

Like that only, all the great reviewers will say, “What is this unnecessary picture? No head or tale! Bloody Bakwaas” and the movie-watchers will go anyways. Who knows, Bharat might be a big hit too!

Haters will be hating,

Posters will be posting,

Watchers will nonetheless be watching.

Point to ponder – For the amount I spent today, I could easily get a year’s subscription of Netflix and Prime combined. So much streaming to get inspired by!

Statutory Warning: The shirt doesn’t come off. Only delicately placed banian shots showcasing bronzed biceps!

So are you heading out to watch?

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Anupama Jain is the author of * ‘When Padma Bani Paula', listed as 'One of the

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