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The mommy guilt creeps in every time I fail to meet the expectation and I question myself “Is it the right choice I made??”
She oscillates between wanting to spend time with her daughter when she is at work and thinking about work when she is spending time with her daughter. Every mom knows what is best for herself and her family. Every mom works.
Some work at home exclusively and some split it between the office and home. After being a SAHM for a while, 7 years back I made a choice to resume work. A special mention for all the lady force who helped me take the decision- My mum, My mum-in-law, My maid, cook without their support, all this balancing wouldn’t have been possible. And above all, a lady who believed in me and gave me an opportunity to revive my career.
Whether you choose to be a SAHM or decide to resume work leaving back your newborn at home, both are equally difficult choices to make. As a SAHM you choose to let go of your financial independence and make yourself available to the new life that you just brought into this world. If you choose to be a working mom you decide to embark on a dual journey full of ambiguities hoping to become pragmatic in the process.
Daily turmoil that a working mom goes through:
Am I doing enough?
Am I doing it right?
Does she love me enough?
Am I able to develop the bond?
In between those guilt pangs you wonder:
Still running short of meeting this month’s target…phew
Did I send the follow-up mail?
I still haven’t got the data for tomorrow’s presentation.
At work, I have to leave sharp at 6 p.m. amidst prying eyes.
I should cut short the tea breaks to finish off my work by 6.
I don’t have a choice but be punctual or reach office before time to finish off my work.
Will I be the first choice to be laid off because I’m a mother and they think having a career is a choice and not a necessity?
Will I be considered for that promotion because in spite of proving myself time and again “They” still think my priority is homemaking (Yes it is !! And I know how to balance my priorities and my responsibilities. Limit your misogynistic ideas to yourselves).
Constant thoughts clouding her mind during the day:
Did she poop?
Did she finish the apple?
Did I pack her evening snacks?
I’ll cook a one-pot meal today as she has her exams tomorrow.
Trust me it’s tough to be in this situation each day. I miss my daughter’s Parent-Teacher meetings at school, her sports day not by choice but because I have to be present at work. Sometimes I have to miss that all-important meeting at the office not by choice, but because my daughter is sick or has exams the other day.
It is not a choice that I would want to make but I have learnt to live the choice I have made. Sometimes I shed tears and sometimes I take it with a pinch of salt. The mommy guilt creeps in every time I fail to meet the expectation and I question myself “Is it the right choice I made??” And then I think of the reasons why I am doing it and I reassure myself. Probably I didn’t make it as the best mom or didn’t have a high flying career as I would have wanted. But I have made peace with the fact that I have made my choice and redefined success or failure. There will always be people who will be judging you for all your choices.
Sail through the hardships and find strength in your little one’s smiles. I choose to live my choice amidst my daily guilt and people’s judgement.
Trust me it’s all worth it.
Image via Pixabay
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As parents, we put a piece of our hearts out into this world and into the custody of the teachers at school and tuition and can only hope and pray that they treat them well.
Trigger Warning: This speaks of physical and emotional violence by teachers, caste based abuse, and contains some graphic details, and may be triggering for survivors.
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