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Dutee Chand’s family has publicly spoken about their displeasure with her relationship with another woman, showing that in spite of Section 377 being struck down, there is still a long way to go.
When sprinter Dutee Chand revealed recently that she is in a romantic relationship with a woman, she received many messages of congratulations. In a conservative society like India, the act is truly revolutionary.
Activist Harish Iyer was quick to point out that in being the first sportsperson in India to come out of the closet, she had created Herstory.
@DuteeChand has paved the path for many, by simply standing up for herself.
In a world obsessed with HIStory and ridden with the banr misogyny and patriarchy it is important to note that the sportsperson coming out movement is led by HERstory.
— harish iyer (@hiyer) May 19, 2019
Unfortunately, her own family has rejected her. Her sister has threatened to expel her from the family and send her to jail. Her mother too has spoken out against Dutee. This reaction from her family is a stark reminder of the fact that even though Section 377 no longer criminalizes homosexuality, there is still a huge struggle that lies ahead for the LGBTQIA community in India. Hate and ignorance must yet be defeated.
Even for those who are in theory supportive of LGBTQIA rights, a loved one suddenly coming out of the closet can be a disconcerting, confusing experience. The process of revealing ones sexuality can be a stressful and emotional process for the person coming out as well. Needless to say, it is a situation that needs to be responded to with great sensitivity and empathy.
So, what is the best way to respond when someone close to you comes out?
For those who want to be supportive of loved ones who are coming out and don’t know how, here are a few guidelines.
Remember that as difficult as this moment may be for you, it is much more difficult for your loved one. They have shown immense courage and great trust in you by sharing their truth with you. Be respectful of that. Thank them for telling you.
It is easy in the moment to ask, “How could you do this to me?” or to say, “I always thought you were gay/lesbian.” However, saying so would make the conversation about you or your feelings. And while your feelings are important, at the moment it is more important to talk about how your loved one is feeling.
You may have religious convictions about homosexuality. However this is not the time to share them with your loved ones. What they need in the moment is acceptance and love. Tell them that you love them.
Remember that this is the same person that you knew and loved before they came out to you. Their sexual orientation/gender identity is only a part of who they are. They have not changed, nor has your relationship with them. You just know them a little better now.
Ask them about how you can best support them and what they need from you and listen when they tell you.
Ask them about how confidential their sexual orientation/gender identity is. You may be the first person they are telling, or they may have told others before. In either case, maintain their confidentiality, and don’t make their sexuality a topic of conversation/gossip. If you feel the need to discuss your own feelings about their coming out, do so only with a therapist who will also keep your conversation private.
In the days following their coming out show your support for them visibly, by calling them/checking in on them frequently. Continue to do activities together that you did before they came out to you. Include their partner in plans (parties/outings) as well, the way you would include their other friends. Don’t let your loved one feel alone/isolated.
Educate yourself. Learn more about the LGBTQIA community. Knowing more about this part of their life will help you to support them and keep you connected.
This list is by no means complete or comprehensive. These are merely guidelines. Ultimately, it is up to you to find a way to communicate your love and understanding. At the end of the day, all that anyone wants is acceptance.
Author’s Note: The term ‘coming out’ as used in this article refers to a LGBTQIA person revealing their sexual orientation or gender identity. The writer herself identifies as heterosexual, and has written this piece from the perspective of a cishet loved one of someone coming out. She is open to corrections/suggestions with regards to the content above.
Image source: YouTube & Pixabay
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Mothers do things for you out of love, so please treat them with respect and dignity at your home, especially in front of your in laws, and ask your in laws to share responsibilities.
Motherhood isn’t just a word. It’s a world in itself…of love, labor and commitment that goes beyond a lifetime, when we don’t really have a concept of flying the nest and mothers are required to be battle ready to shoulder every responsibility at any age.
As a new mom I too had my share of struggles like every woman, and reached out to my mom for help. Sadly, since she had health issues of her own she agreed reluctantly and was uneasy throughout her stay, which disappointed me. Only later did I know that she had suffered from serious menopausal problems that made her edgy and nervous in difficult situations, and it left me with a sense of regret of not taking the effort of understanding her troubles.
Neelu might have outwardly forgiven Ramesh, but in her mind, which once was filled with unconditional love for Ramesh, there was now a seed of resentment.
Ramesh’s footsteps paused at the entrance of the hotel’s ballroom. Inside, his school’s reunion party was going in full swing. The air was heavy, as expensive perfumes and the aroma of food from the buffet table, mingled. There were low murmurs, tinkling laughs and clinks of cutlery.
Ramesh had not wanted to come, knowing that she would be there. She, Neelu, who once had been the love of his life. Taking a deep breath, Ramesh entered the room. His eyes found Neelu almost immediately. She still looked the same. Maybe there was now grey in her hair and a few wrinkles on her face. But her vivacity, her mannerisms were still the same. Things, that had first attracted him.
If you an LGBT small town India or a rural area person, and if you are overwhelmed by what life is throwing at you, there are others like you. No one is alone.
The stigma attached to any identity that does not align with our cis-heteronormative society is suffocating and oppressive. From a cultural gap with metropolitan cities to religious dogmas and draconian prejudices, there are an array of reasons why coming out as queer is a daunting prospect.
There are probably hundreds and thousands of queer people all over India, who might be at various stages of self-acceptance, who might be subject to rejection, humiliation, or even violence. Queer people have found that acceptance doesn’t always come easy, but has that stopped us from existing, and loving and inspiring each other since time immemorial?
LGBTQIA rights have been won only recently, but these Indian queer people have risen above the discrimination they certainly must have faced.
Navigating professional life as queer person is challenging at best and dangerous at worst in most countries, but it is especially difficult in countries like India which didn’t have a provision for LGBTQIA rights, depriving the community of equal legal status and opportunities.
While the historic 2018 decision of SC to decriminalize homosexuality was a start, we have yet to legalise same sex marriages and treat transgender people with dignity. We are far far away from an environment where queer people have adequate safety to come out of the closet, especially given that they can be exposed to social violence and bullying.