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My life isn’t what I had imagined it to be when I was a girl. Nothing has worked for me, and I feel like a failure. Am I overreacting, or is something the matter with me?
Hi myself! Yes, this is how I have started talking to myself. No, I am not insane. Or, I might be. I think I need to consult a psychiatrist.
All of this is happening to me and I think all moms for trying to be perfect in everything. I know I am not a multi-tasking person, I have never been. Still, I am trying hard to balance my husband and 2 kids. I have 2 domestic helps to assist me, yet I do not get time either for myself or for the many tasks lying waiting for me to be done. I have heaps of clothes lying around, to be folded and put to their respective places, and here I have found time to write this article.
One thing that I have realised in all these approximately 9 years of not so happy married life is that I can’t possibly please my husband or even my kids. Actually, I have started to think that I should stop taking the effort to do so. Because whatever I do, I can’t even please myself.
Maybe, I am going into depression or maybe it’s just me trying to do what I just cannot, because I never was a person who tried to please anyone.
It’s not boasting but, in my college days, I was considered one of the pretty lasses but, soon after I was married, I realised that I wasn’t pretty anymore and all that was required from me as a woman and a wife was to manage a home without a mother in law.
Soon after my daughter was born, my ailing mother passed away. It was actually a relief for all of us, since we could not see her in such pain in the last stage of cancer. My daughter was just 2 months old at the time, and I was also undergoing severe postpartum depression. Fortunately, it helped that I started going out to a neighbourhood park with my daughter, which lifted my spirits a bit.
My husband who runs a business is always busy (which means he doesn’t have time for me). He manages to find at least an hour of outing everyday with his close friend. But, for me, he is busy.
When I look at my Facebook wall, I find those girls who were neither good at studies nor good looking having a ball. I feel jealous; I envy them for the lovely life they are enjoying which I always thought I would have, once.
I could not pursue my career because there was no one else to take care of my kids, and I did not want to compromise on their upbringing. But, I can clearly figure out now that I have indeed been a failure. My 7-year old tells me at least twice a day about how rude and bad mom I am. She also sometimes thinks that I am a step mom (thanks to all the tales I read to her where step moms r aways evil). Yes, I shout at her when she does not listen to me, especially as my hands are often full with my 2-year old son who is a hyperactive toddler giving me a run for my life.
My husband thinks I am not able to cope up with the family and kids, and that when I burst out, I am overreacting.
My friends, who have the extra help of moms, moms-in law and nannies think I have lots of time and independence, since I have no in-laws to answer to. But, the fact is, I have all responsibilities on my shoulders which I am not capable of handling.
My sis-in-law thinks I envy her for making a career as well as enjoying her family life with the help of her loving in-laws (which I think is right).
My dad is the only person who thinks I am having a troubled life. I try to make him think otherwise but, I guess parents know us much better than ourselves.
By the way, I have taken a psychiatrist’s appointment for tomorrow to check on me. I hope she finds an alternative to my problem or should I say, find out what my problem is.
Image source: YouTube
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