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I was depressed after my divorce, but I needed to come out of it - I had a son to look after. This is my story of how I healed myself and found life again.
I was depressed after my divorce, but I needed to come out of it – I had a son to look after. This is my story of how I healed myself and found life again.
This poem by Ruskin Bond aptly summarizes the importance of love and how we all grieve when we lost our loved companions.
“We must love someone If we are to justify Our presence on this earth. We must keep loving all our days, Someone, anyone, anywhere Outside our selves; For even the sarus crane Will grieve over its lost companion, And the seal its mate. Somewhere in life There must be someone To take your hand And share the torrid day. Without the touch of love There is no life, and we must fade away.”
Yes, no matter how badly we want to cling to the loves of our lives, some relationships are simply not meant to be. Heart-breaks are inevitable in life. I also went through a similar situation during my separation with my ex-husband at 29, which culminated into a mutual divorce when I was just 32 years at that time, a single mother of a 4-year-old baby boy.
I spiraled into a depression at that time, with my confidence and self-worth plummeting to an all-time-low. But I did not visit a therapist, as I have always believed in the infinite resilience of the human mind and the healing power of time. Today, one-and-half years after my divorce and four years after my separation, I am writing this article to share with all, my battle with depression, in the hope that this may help someone out there, who is going through a rough patch in life, for one reason or the other.
Depression is nearly twice as likely to affect women than men. In case of women, depression stems from different factors including reproductive hormones, stress and social pressures. Generally, women tend to be more expressive of emotion than men, and more likely to rehash negative thoughts. Ruminating about depression causes it to last longer and can even make it worse.
The depression that occurs due to traumatic life events such as divorce is different from clinical depression. It’s called adjustment disorder or situational depression. Both clinical and situational depression manifest in similar ways.
Most people going through divorce experience some degree of situational depression as part of the normal grieving process over all the losses the end of the marriage brings. If anybody claims not to experience any kind of depression post-divorce, I’d call it a blatant lie. Every failed relationship gives us pain. This is more true in case of marriages, as traditionally marriage is considered sacred and the nuptial ties are expected to last for seven lifetimes (bandhan for sat-janam). In general, women are more likely to experience situational depression after divorce than men.
Na din hota hai ab na raat hoti hai Sabhi kuch ruk gaya hai Woh kya mausam ka jhonka tha Jo is deewar par latki hui Tasveer tirchhi kar gaya hai…”
There was a general feeling of indifference towards the world. It seemed to me that my life had come to a stand-still, where nothing mattered to me anymore. I lost all interest in activities that used to give me so much pleasure, like reading books or watching movies. I felt as if someone had wrenched out of me, all the goodness that I once held oncee. I was drained, exhausted. Someone else might feel differently, but we can summarize some most common symptoms of depression as under:
The biggest factor that contributed to my healing was my professional life. Apart from keeping me engaged, my job gave me opportunities to interact with a lot of people on a daily basis. This somehow eased my feelings of despair.
A huge motivation was my son. Being a mother is always a demanding job and it occupies almost all of your time. And so I had to feed him, teach him alphabets, play with him, make him sleep, attend parent-teacher-meetings in his school, no matter how depressed I felt. This engagement somehow managed to keep my own feelings of despair at bay.
Another big factor contributing to my well-being was the discovery of my spiritual side. I was never a religious person. Never did I fast or offer puja on a daily basis. But after my separation, I turned to spirituality which gave me solace during my difficult times. I read The Bhagavad Gita often and it has helped me to view the world from a different perspective altogether. Whenever I am distressed, I remember the following quote from The Bhagavad Gita, which has become my philosophy in life:
He who is not perturbed by adversity, who does not long for happiness, who is free from attachment, fear, and wrath, is called a muni of steady wisdom.”
Whenever any recurring thought comes to destroy my peace of mind, I simply remember the following:
“The man whose mind is not under his control has no self-knowledge and no contemplation either. Without contemplation he can have no peace; and without peace, how can he have happiness?”
Yes, The Lord has told us to prioritise peace of mind over and above everything else.
Whenever I feel that simply going through the day has become difficult and tiring, I remember the following verse:
“Do your allotted action; for action is superior to inaction. And even the bare maintenance of your body will not be possible if you remain inactive.”
One book that I read in the aftermath of my divorce and which changed my perspective drastically is “The Art of Happiness: A Handbook For Living” by HH Dalai Lama & Howard C. Cutler. Dalai Lama’s words soothed my frayed nerves and felt like a glass of cool water after a scorcher. This book teaches you that happiness is a choice that we make and happiness comes from within.
Engage in activities that give you pleasure. In my case, I tried to read books, watch movies and listen to music. I took up writing during this period which was therapeutic. Even now, there are days when I don’t feel upbeat about life. Then there are days when I actually feel very low. It is these days when my writing helps. I never knew that I write well. I discovered this post my divorce. It came to me when I was fumbling, deviated from a so-called ‘normal life’. Remember the famous saying of Vincent Van Gogh: “Normality is a paved road; It’s comfortable to walk, but no flowers grow on it.”
Lastly, believe in the healing power of time. Time can heal every wound. You just need to keep moving on with the flow of your life. Albert Einstein said: “Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving.”
I’d end this with a verse from Brahma Kumaris:
“When I have faith and belief, that darkness won’t last long, I accept bad memories with the right spirit and attitude. With hope, I find the way. When faced with criticism, I am able to see clearly what new learning I could take.”
Image source: pixabay
An engineer by education, I am a civil servant by profession. A doting mother. An avid reader. I try my hand at writing as and when ideas tussle inside my head. read more...
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People say that women are the greatest enemies of women. I vehemently disagree. It is the patriarchal mindset that makes women believe in the wrong ideology.
The entire world celebrates International Women’s Day on March 8, 2024. It should be a joyful day, but unfortunately, not all women are entitled to this privilege, as violence against women is at its peak. The experience of oppression pushes many women to choose freedom. As far as patriotism is concerned, feminism is not a cup of tea in this society.
What happens when a woman decides to stand up for herself? Does this world easily accept the decisions of women in this society? What inspires them to be free of the clutches of the oppression that women have faced for ages? Most of the time, women do not get the chance to decide for themselves. Their lives are always at the mercy of someone, which can be their parents, siblings, husband, or children.
In some cases, women do not feel the need to make any decisions. They are taught to obey the patriarchal system, which makes them believe that they are right. In my family, I was never taught to make decisions on my own. It was always my parents who bought dresses and all that I needed.
14 years after her last feature film Dhobi Ghat, storyteller extraordinaire comes up with her new film, Laapataa Ladies, a must watch.
*Some spoilers alert*
Every religion around the world dictates terms to women. The onus is always on women to be ‘modest’ and cover their faces and bodies so men can’t be “tempted”, rather than on men to keep their eyes where they belong and behave like civilized beings. So much so that even rape has been excused on the grounds of women eating chowmein or ‘men will be men’. I think the best Hindi movie retort to this unwanted advice on ‘akeli ladki khuli tijori ki tarah hoti hai’ (an alone woman is like an open jewellery box) came from Geet in Jab We Met – Kya aap gyan dene ke paise lete hain kyonki chillar nahin hain mere paas.
The premise of Laapataa Ladies is beautifully simple – two brides clad in the ghunghat that covers their identity get mixed up on a train. Within this Russian Doll, you get a comedy of errors, a story of getting lost, a commentary on patriarchy’s attitude towards women, a mystery, and a tale of finding oneself, all in one. Done with a mostly light touch that has you laughing and nodding along.
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