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Consent is also about the 'how' of sex. It's not (only) about the yes and no. The Aziz Ansari case got us thinking about consent to sex..
Consent is also about the ‘how’ of sex. It’s not (only) about the yes and no. The Aziz Ansari case got us thinking about consent to sex.
I am not weighing in on the Aziz Ansari and ‘Grace’ article. There is enough said about it on the web, from every possible perspective.
But here’s what it got me thinking about.
Consent to sex is not (only) about a yes or a no.
There absolutely needs to be a yes to begin with, but I can off the top of my head think of so many situations where a woman can want to have sex with a man and yet say no to certain things.
Like.
I want to have sex with you but not today.
I want to have sex with you but not as soon as we get in to your apartment.
I want to have sex with you but I don’t feel like doing (particular sexual activity).
I want to have sex with you but not if you don’t want to use a condom.
I want to have sex with you but not when I am so sleepy!
I want to have sex with you but I don’t feel like being rough today.
This should be really easy to understand, you’d think. And also, that explicitly writing it down in this fashion should not be the only way men get it.
After all, what part of ‘I am moving my hand away from your penis right away’ is not understandable as a call for a halt or a change in some fashion?
Sex does often involve some negotiation. You like X but I don’t like it all that much and hence can we try Y instead?
Except, we can’t always say it in those many words and we shouldn’t always have to. Sometimes, negotiation is verbal and sometimes it isn’t. Part of being in a sexual moment is listening to ‘all’ of your partner’s cues, and I am not saying this in a legalistic sense. A partner ignoring the quiet language of your body may never be liable in court.
But, in our bedrooms and in our lives and even in our media, women are saying that we’ve had enough of bearing all the burden of this communication. Men are being held to a higher standard now, and that’s okay.
Watch this video on Consent and it should be simple, really.
Image source: unsplash
Founder & Chief Editor of Women's Web, Aparna believes in the power of ideas and conversations to create change. She has been writing since she was ten. In another life, she used to be read more...
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Bhool Bhulaiyaa 2 might have had a box office collection of 260 crores INR and entertained Indian audiences, but it's full of problematic stereotypes.
Bhool Bhulaiyaa 2 starts with a scene in which the protagonist, Ruhaan (played by Kartik Aaryan) finds an abandoned pink suitcase in a moving cable car and thinks there is a bomb inside it.
Just then, he sees an unknown person (Kiara Advani) wave and gesture at him to convey that the suitcase is theirs. Ruhaan, with the widest possible smile, says, “Bag main bomb nahi hai, bomb ka bag hai,” (There isn’t a bomb in the bag, the bag belongs to a bomb).
Who even writes such dialogues in 2022?
This comeback post by a former Women's Web writer celebrates the strength and resilience of women while documenting her own journey.
It’s been a good five years since I wrote for Women’s Web. But somehow, even as the community has grown exponentially, like a childhood home that suddenly seems to have grown smaller when you go back to your home land, everything feels smaller, tighter, like a sweater that overstayed its welcome in the dryer.
My throat’s dry, like it always is before a speech onstage, my stomach’s in knots, my palms sweating profusely as I type word after word. Do you still remember me, Women’s Web?
I remember writing piece after piece every month, the letters on my typewriter fading out, my fingers numb, the only best friend I had back then, was you, reader. Do you remember me, like I do, you?