A story of love, loss and second chances by Nikita Singh, releasing this Valentine’s Day.
Are you taking care of the calcium needs of your child ?
“Don’t travel after 6.”
“Take the Women’s Cell number, store it on your speed dial.”
“Put that app on your smartphone.“
“Don’t travel alone.”
“Inform us every time you get out of the hotel.”
“Where are you now?”
“Why didn’t you pick my call?”
I am expressionless. Every single time I plan travel, for work, study or fun, these questions are thrown at me by my parents and other loved ones around. Earlier, as a young girl they used to annoy me; a few years later, I understood their anxiety and now, I am mostly in the ‘same answer for every question’ mode. As a single woman who loves traveling, who wants to witness more of her own country than she sees the world, these questions come as a mood spoiler. I understand their pain, I see the worry, I know I would react like this had I been in their shoes, but then somewhere I don’t get it.
There was this story recently about a married woman being raped by the staff in a high end resort in Kerala, where she was on a work trip. And then, only today I read about this tourist in Puducherry who was raped multiple times by some 12-15 men in groups of two after being kidnapped from a Christmas party she was attending with some friends. And then a story of a woman raped by police officers in a police station. There have been many stories, one every day, acting like a hair raiser for me.
I travel alone. Mostly. And when I do that, I see this worried look on my mothers face. I don’t blame her. Given the times in which we live, India especially doesn’t look safe for any woman. Be it me as a citizen, or any friend as a tourist, the questions that surround us while we travel in India (even abroad sometimes) are more to do with safety than anything else. I remember that day on the beach in Sri Lanka when a man looked at me with leering eyes trying to signal to me in broad day light. I also clearly remember every single person in villages in India telling me to not get out of my room or house after 6 pm/dark. I also remember how I was being followed by a group of men in Orissa. I remember that cold night in Madhya Pradesh and my hostel warden telling me to not open the door for anyone, anyone! I remember that dark night in Patna and a shared auto ride I took to my guesthouse that still gives me gooseflesh. I remember those auto drivers who try to act smart. I remember being mistaken for a foreigner in my own country, leered at even more.
These are memories I carry with me on every next trip I go on, especially alone. Harsh as they sound, they have made me stronger and somewhat more vigilant every next time. But every single time I look back, I realize how something serious might have happened, how I just escaped a major life changing moment, how I was lucky enough, how I live in a country where every day I read stories of girls being molested in their homes, of women being raped while on the move, of tourists being subjected to violence and all I see is every incident flash before my eyes where I survived.
Do I have any gyan to share? No. Was I just lucky? Maybe. But the truth is that safety has been a big question that remains unanswered for every woman who plans to travel in India. (I know I sound a little too much against my own country but having travelled to other countries, I know the difference in level of safety.) Situations and questions are not the same when I am in other countries. My parents are a little less scared, the deadlines for being home are a little more flexible and even if I miss a few calls from them, they don’t panic very easily. Their reaction, “Beta, India is India. We know it’s very unsafe here.”
Unsafe in my own home? Maybe that’s the irony we face. I meet women abroad who are smug at the thought to coming to India post the December 16th incident. I stand there with a straight face while my patriotic spirit and reality check tear my heart and mind out and I become numb instead of fighting to give an answer. I know the flaws India has with respect to travel and safety for women. I know I live in a country where if a woman is raped at 4 am, instead of questioning the rapist, all fingers are pointed towards the victim and her character with respect to her being out of home at 4 am. I know I live in a country where safety has nothing to do with being an Indian or a foreigner, with being single or married, with being out on work or leisure, with being on a secluded road or being in a ‘safe’ high-end resort. The safety net seems non-existent.
But what should be the takeaway from these short incidents I carry? Should I stop traveling? Should I let fear take over me and stop me from experiencing my own country? Should I, being a single woman, only travel with my husband after I get married? No. I won’t let anyone fall for that. I have learnt to live with the questions that are thrown at me and I hate to see the worry, but do I expect the system to change soon? No. The situation is getting worse everyday with one or other woman being raped.
Travel and safety are not an agenda for any political party anywhere. The Women’s Cell seems like a useless structure to rely on. What do we have now? Smartphone applications to rely on? What about those women who don’t have cellphones and those places where internet reception is still a question? Speed dials, run for life, learn martial arts, keep pepper spray… do we have anymore survival tricks? The focus remains on from the victim’s side to save herself and not on changing the criminal angle. The reality is that law has failed women every time.
Violence against women is a broad term and while I survive each time, I wonder every single time I am out, if this is it. I am not worried about myself as much as I feel worried for those many women who face these issues along with me. When will the situations change? When will we come out of a phase where traveling for women can be stress free?
Do I sound extreme? Maybe, but this is my personal account. Till then, all I can hear while I am out is “Beta, take care of yourself” while I try to shut out those flying kisses being thrown at me and those leering eyes that literally strip every woman they see. The question remains, is ignoring the only solution we have?
Pic credit: Moyan Brenn (Used under a Creative Commons license)
A Development Communication & Social Work professional working in the field of gender, health and technology
We should always encourage girls to be adventurous all the time. The girls must feel themselves as fearless personalities. Nari has tremendous SHAKTI, hidden power and can do any thing which she likes.
The article is well written and well drafted needs lot of appreciation.
Thank you! 🙂 I agree that fear should never stop us from experiencing great things 🙂
Suchi, very good point raised here. I think putting in a lot of gender sensitization for police officers, raising our sons with respect and love for all beings and treating GBV like another public health problem might offer positive results. Until then, as you said, its a new struggle every day, every auto-trip, every journey. I am also keen to see what Mr.Kejriwal is going to do to keep Delhi (the crime capital) safer for women. We have to wait and watch. Of course, this is not say that other cities are any safer.
Thanks Lakshmi. I totally agree with you that there are lot of things that need to be done. behavior change is a slower process and so faster implementation of better governance, vigilance laws wrt violence against women is imp in a country so patriarchal like ours. I would say I find my own city of Delhi a little more unsafe than any other places in India but the degree is higher everywhere.
Well expressed Suchi. The situation is worsening every day.
Very pertinent thoughts, but we need to make the whole country safe and not just Delhi.
I think that our little steps of progress are hindered by our own inadequacy as a nation which stalls its own progress at each step. Let us just keep spreading awareness in our own small ways and hope the drops add up to an ocean.
The views ad emotions expressed in this article are exactly those faced by numerous women in India. As a working woman who has to reach home late, I ask myself everyday If I can reach home safely at all.I have even advised by relatives to change my profession to a Primary School teacher so that I can be home early!!!
I have asked myself If keeping a gun can help me since the streetlights at my hometown are always switched off when I walk on road after 9PM and the same people who show huge zeal in extracting maximum subscription for Durga Puja from me are apathetic when I point out this fact about street lights to them.
Women in India seem to be unsafe everywhere, be it home, schools, colleges, markets, workplace and an increasingly agressive society seems to be enjoying the torture it is meting out.
I totally understand the doubts in the head of every girl. Keeping a gun as a solution vs changing the system! The debates are turning stronger day by day..
A safe option for women is to stay in accommodation reserved for women only which offers services and facilities for women under the same roof. I run a B&B Homestay ‘for Women by Women’ conveniently located near New Delhi’s airports, with easy access to tourist sites in New Delhi, Gurgaon/Haryana, Jaipur/Rajasthan and Agra/Uttar Pradesh. Not only that, my B&B homestay, with one wandering foot in the enchanting Delhi-Haryana countryside, the other in a hip and happening city, offers guests the best of both worlds. Women traveling solo or in small groups can opt for accommodation, local sight-seeing, walk in the countryside and/or an exotic meal with an Indian family or with a bunch of gutsy Indian women aged between 8 and 80 (with a folk dance and song recital thrown in by the youngest member of the bunch).
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