Read on how to enrich your life by purpose, i.e. to find depth and, a reason to get out of bed each morning, your own Ikigai.
I am single at 33. My brother who is 35 now, was married in 2006 and today has a lovely 4-year-old daughter.
We have an aunt who I am very close to. She is the coolest aunt ever. At almost 70 she is learning to use a laptop and the Internet so she can check the NAV of her investments. She wants to own an email id so she can receive pictures of her grandchildren. Cool, eh? She can send text messages on the phone albeit she still hasn’t figured out the space key. Doesn’t matter, people get the message. To me, she is like a friend with whom I share everything. A friend, who suggests a live in relationship over having a baby on my own, she is genuinely cool. She is a friend!
Is she as close or a friend to my brother? NO!
She has visited my brother 5 times since 2006.
How many times has she visited me since 2006? NEVER.
There is no need to. There is no societal pressure to visit a single person.
What happens when one has a baby, there has been a death in the family, my brother has organized a puja, or when my brother’s brother-in-law gets engaged and then married, when they are throwing a birthday party for my niece? The aunt and everyone else is obliged to attend or visit whatever may be the case.
Single people don’t have most of these occasions.
But we have birthday celebrations of our own, we have viral fever days, we could organize a puja, we could be celebrating professional success, there could be a death in the family. Is the extended family obliged to visit/attend? NO!
I am assuming, besides the fact that there are no societal rules they will be breaking by not visiting a single person in the family, they honestly do believe single people live in ‘THAT singles world’ in their own unique lives. And that single people expect nothing from the extended family or maybe even should not expect anything.
To give my aunt the benefit of doubt, maybe she thinks by visiting me she will be disrupting THAT singles world I live in. But “Dear aunt, don’t you do the same when you visit my brother. In fact he may be feeling obliged to welcome you by breaking his own routine and that of his wife and kid. In my case too, I will make way for a visit from you. Because I love you.”
Now I have never told my aunt about how I feel until recently and her cool answer was ‘you are being silly, I will visit you next month’. Isn’t she nice?
And when I told the same to a few other not so cool beings in the extended family something to the effect of, ‘I think you don’t visit me because you have no reason to, would you come if I threw a birthday party?’ The answer I got is “It is true, why don’t you get married and we will have reasons to visit you. And what will we do at your birthday party? You will have your friends around.”
The point was completely lost on them.
And a few of them were in denial and will whack their brains about why they haven’t visited me.
My aunt lives in Gujarat. But I have tons of cousins in Mumbai where I live. Have any one of them ever visited me? NO! Have they visited my brother? Yes, because they had a reason to.
To a large extent this is true with friends too. A birthday party thrown by a friend’s husband for his beloved wife will get close to 100% attendance. But it’s always easy to back out of my birthday party for which I sent an invite myself.
Again, I am assuming that besides the fact that they need to call just 1 person (me) instead of 2 (husband and wife) with an excuse to backout, the invitees know they won’t be judged by other friends/couples if they don’t attend. Again no obligation, after all the married ones have more responsibilities. Maybe a party in ‘THAT singles world’ they believe won’t be as much fun.
Also it is ok to go to a single person’s party without a gift? Carrie Brandshaw says in the Sex and the City Episode 9 ‘A woman’s right to shoes’ in Season 6 – “And if I don’t ever get married or have a baby then what? I get nothing? Think about it if you are single after graduation there isn’t 1 single occasion where people celebrate you.” This is when her Manolo Blahniks are stolen at a friend’s party and the friend refuses to pay for her expensive lifestyle. She talks about how she has spent over 2300 dollars on gifts that celebrate her friend’s choices of marriage and baby etc.
I am repeating myself, all the ‘whys’ are my assumptions and I will be happy to know if there could be other reasons as to why people behave the way they do and assume the existence of THAT world of singles.
Pic credit: .andi (Used under a Creative Commons license)
The power of stories to inspire change made me turn into a storyteller. I write
What a post! n so so true..tough at times but interesting most times – to be single in India
Thank you Shireen!
Aaradhee, people in India don’t behave by instincts, they behave according to social expectations and that also according to their perception. But I love an old saying – “Instead of waiting for others to bring flowers for you, why not plant your own garden.” So Celebrate yourself !!
Loved it! so true!
I never reflected on this till now. Yes I am single and I am never visited by anyone. In fact, sometimes I have people wondering why I want to go home (after all what is interesting in my home when there is no family!)
As someone who has never been on her own – until I got married I lived with my parents – I crave “THAT singles lifestyle”. Sometimes I wish I could live on my own for a few years without the husband and kids, to experience it. Your post, and a few others I read recently, have given me a new perspective. Must be tough living on your own (even though I still envy you and other singles!!)
hahah!! i m 33 too and single!! and i happened to visit my relatives..alongwith my brothers family (who is happily married with 2 kids). i have been a more frequent visitor to my aunts n uncles..whereas my bro met then after good 12-14 yrs…still they warmed upto his kids n family much more than me..n were even v careful to not say anything hurtful..whereas with me..they r much more casual..n dont think twice before saying smthng. it may be good in a way..but also makes me wonder if being single ..means some1 with no societal pressure to please!!
Lovely post and so true….
Thank you guys for appreciating this content. I believe this and more such topics need some spreading to make a small change in the society. Do spread the message.
Absolutely loved your post. As a single guy of 36, I could completely relate to every word you wrote!
I loved ur post….. unconventional topic penned beautifully.I could relate to it because before tying the knowt I was the girl alone ib big city for 5 years. Now I find relatives suddenly finding so much to discuss and spend time with me because I have a “family”…. But I was a family person even b4 marriage…..but who bothers to understand…..Btw I am bookmarking ur post for sharing.
Its a completely different perspective I’ve never thought of. I always thought of living on my own was cool and something that I’ve always dreamt of but of course its not as easy as it seems. I know how ‘single women’ (not singles men) are looked down upon for wrong reasons because I too stay with my aunt who is not married but she feels awkward to attend social gatherings as she would accompany my family and not any of ‘her own’. Society always expects a man to exist in a woman/girl’s life and be dependent on him to earn the so called ‘respect’
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