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An Indian mom teaches her young son about expressing love and communicating his feelings.
The little boy was angry. He kept saying he was. He built barricades with his toys at the door to each room. Everyone was amused. He looked utterly cute. It ceased being cute when the boy protested at potty time, and then refused to bathe. An hour passed. He finally did bathe and all was quiet for a few minutes. That was when it dawned on the mother.
Just then he came out of the bathroom wailing. The mother rushed to hug him. As she held him tight and they snuggled, she said she loved him. She said it again. She stroked his back. He calmed down.
Then, she asked him how he felt. He said he was angry. ‘What did that mean?’ she asked. What did he want? He said he wanted to be shown love. ‘I know’ she said, ‘I know’. He continued talking. He said he felt he was not loved, because she had not done what he wanted. It was a simple thing, but she hadn’t done it. If she loved him why would she not do what he wanted? Ergo, she didn’t love him. So he felt angry.
“It’s better not to love someone so much, that’s the problem”, he wept. She had tears in her eyes too. The boy, all of five, had come to the conclusion that love causes hurt. ‘Don’t think that way. Yes, love can cause hurt, but it also makes you very very happy. Without it, you may not feel hurt, but you will not have the happiness either. Would you rather have lots of happiness and a little bit of hurt, or nothing at all – no hurt and no happy feeling?
She held him close and spoke to him softly. When someone doesn’t do what you want, it doesn’t mean they don’t love you. Maybe they are busy, or tired, maybe they just don’t want to do it. When I ask you to go down to play, but you don’t, does it mean you don’t love me?’ “No”, he smiled a bit now, “it means I don’t want to, because I’m reading.” “I feel better, very little better”, he added.
But it was not over, she had more to say, ‘No one will understand if you say you are angry. You have to say what you want.’ “You understood”, came the reply. “I’m your mother. No one else will understand. And even me… it took me more than an hour. I didn’t understand for an hour.’ she said. That seemed to disturb him. Why didn’t she understand for so long? All along he had been building walls to make himself be heard, to be understood, to get attention – it had not had the desired effect.
‘Say you want to be hugged, tell people to show you love, if that’s what you want. Otherwise, they won’t understand. And ask with love. Not in anger. If you ask angrily, it will be tough for them to show you love. It will be easier if you ask them with love.’ He sobbed in response “That is very difficult”. ‘I know’ she said, ‘I know. But it has to be done. If you practice from now, it will be better for you. You are starting at five, I began much later’. “I feel little better now”, he said, sounding better.
They hugged some more, kissed each other, talked some more. “My friend X loves me a lot, even if he doesn’t do what I want. I love him a lot… more than I love you, because you’re always with me, I don’t feel the love so much”, said the little voice. ‘That’s why I didn’t understand for an hour’, she explained, ‘Do you see this curtain? You don’t notice it because it’s always there. You say you don’t feel the love much because I’m always around. I’m like this curtain.’ He laughed quietly.
She went on, ‘If you had not been full of love for me, it would not have mattered so much. I didn’t know you would feel this way. You should not treat me like a curtain.’ He smiled and nodded. “I still feel only little better. First it was very little, then little, but after that it’s not increasing fast”, he said. ‘That’s how it will be. No one can help you beyond that. You have to help yourself feel better. Tell yourself you are loved, and start doing something. It will get better gradually’, she left the room.
He got dressed and came out a little later. As he picked up his toys to play, one of the earlier onlookers asked him what happened. “Talk”, came the response. On being probed, he said “About love.”
*Photo credit: h.koppdelaney (Used under the Creative Common Attributions License.)
Arundhati Venkatesh is a children's books author. Her books have won several awards, including the SCBWI Crystal Kite Award 2015 for India, Middle East and Asia for read more...
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People say that women are the greatest enemies of women. I vehemently disagree. It is the patriarchal mindset that makes women believe in the wrong ideology.
The entire world celebrates International Women’s Day on March 8, 2024. It should be a joyful day, but unfortunately, not all women are entitled to this privilege, as violence against women is at its peak. The experience of oppression pushes many women to choose freedom. As far as patriotism is concerned, feminism is not a cup of tea in this society.
What happens when a woman decides to stand up for herself? Does this world easily accept the decisions of women in this society? What inspires them to be free of the clutches of the oppression that women have faced for ages? Most of the time, women do not get the chance to decide for themselves. Their lives are always at the mercy of someone, which can be their parents, siblings, husband, or children.
In some cases, women do not feel the need to make any decisions. They are taught to obey the patriarchal system, which makes them believe that they are right. In my family, I was never taught to make decisions on my own. It was always my parents who bought dresses and all that I needed.
14 years after her last feature film Dhobi Ghat, storyteller extraordinaire comes up with her new film, Laapataa Ladies, a must watch.
*Some spoilers alert*
Every religion around the world dictates terms to women. The onus is always on women to be ‘modest’ and cover their faces and bodies so men can’t be “tempted”, rather than on men to keep their eyes where they belong and behave like civilized beings. So much so that even rape has been excused on the grounds of women eating chowmein or ‘men will be men’. I think the best Hindi movie retort to this unwanted advice on ‘akeli ladki khuli tijori ki tarah hoti hai’ (an alone woman is like an open jewellery box) came from Geet in Jab We Met – Kya aap gyan dene ke paise lete hain kyonki chillar nahin hain mere paas.
The premise of Laapataa Ladies is beautifully simple – two brides clad in the ghunghat that covers their identity get mixed up on a train. Within this Russian Doll, you get a comedy of errors, a story of getting lost, a commentary on patriarchy’s attitude towards women, a mystery, and a tale of finding oneself, all in one. Done with a mostly light touch that has you laughing and nodding along.
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