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Fair, homely, traditional, modern, rich family, same-caste and of course virginal - the main requirements from an Indian bride
So many people who read my post ‘A Little Girl Who Grows Up To Be A Friend’ seem to think of me as part of a rare breed of fathers, simply because I always wanted daughters and did my best for them. I don’t think I am special. I am an ordinary father who at one time struggled against a lot of odds so that my daughters could have the best of what life has to offer.
Let me go back in time to that point when I had just gotten into the Civil Service. I was suddenly inundated with offers of marriage from people known and unknown. Dowries were offered, and they were refused- I was told by ‘well wishers’ that IAS officers command the fattest dowries, and all I had to do was just say yes to any of the offers that were being received day in and day out. I still refused.
At this point my maternal aunt took upon herself to make me see ‘reason’. She suggested I should at least see some of the girls and then decide. Girls are not commodities to be seen and rejected, I said. Relatives threw up their hands, but my parents for some reason remained silent through the unfolding drama. ‘Iss ka dimag kharab ho gaya hai’– his brain has stopped functioning- was the last comment I heard from my aunt.
Whatever was happening around me was so unreal and so demeaning, and one thought that came to my mind was what if I have a daughter, will I end up parading her before prospective grooms and in-laws? My heart said no. Will I go around offering dowries to ‘eligible’ grooms? My heart again said no. [Much later in life a lady friend of mine told me that when her prospective in-laws had come to see her, she was asked to lift her saree above her ankles so that they could actually confirm that her face was not artificially fair, and that the color of her ankles was as fair as her face!]
I ended up marrying for love – horror of horrors, I married a Malayalee – Madrasi to many of my relatives, and as I learnt, anything south of the Tropic of Cancer is Madras. When I announced my intention, my aunt-in-chief asked the scintillating question, ‘she must be black, no?’ My family are Arya Samajis- proud Aryans, and here I had turned Aryan history upside down by venturing into Dravidian territory. And no dowry in the bargain!
Now I am half Malayalee, except that I don’t follow the language. I don’t follow Punjabi either, even though it is my mother tongue. My daughters speak fluent Malayalam when they don’t want me to know what is going on. They are a mix of all that is best in the North and the South, or so I hope. They will not be paraded like cattle, nor will grooms be bought for them. They are proud human beings, and not just responsible, but responsive as well, as I expect them to respond strongly to all that is unjust and unfair.
To end, here is a matrimonial ad I found in a leading newspaper: “22, fair, homely, attractive Hindu virgin; 5’ 3”; convent educated; having traditional values with modern views; …… caste, belongs to a leading business family from UP, seeks well settled…groom from the same caste; sub-caste no bar. Boy should be between 25-30 years, teetotaler, vegetarian, well settled businessman, IAS, IPS, doctor, engineer. Girl’s uncle (chacha) is a senior government officer. Early, decent marriage; reply with horoscope and photo (returnable); contact box 1234
What parent parades a daughter’s virginity? And isn’t it an oxymoron “traditional with modern views’? My translation is that the poor girl has been given an education but has not been allowed to think for herself.
Do tell me what is meant by a ‘decent marriage’.
Pic credit: Shadow Doll (Used under a Creative Commons license)
I am a former bureaucrat, and have worked a lot on gender issues, disaster management and good governance. I am also the proud father of two lovely daughters. read more...
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Neena was the sole caregiver of Amma and though one would think that Amma was dependent on her, Neena felt otherwise.
Neena inhaled the aroma that emanated from the pan and took a deep breath. The aroma of cumin interspersed with butter transported her back to the modest kitchen in her native village. She could picture her father standing in the kitchen wearing his white crisp kurta as he made delectable concoctions for his only daughter.
Neena grew up in a home where both her parents worked together in tandem to keep the house up and running. She had a blissful childhood in her modest two-room house. The house was small but every nook and cranny gave her memories of a lifetime. Neena’s young heart imagined that her life would follow the same cheerful course. But how wrong she was!
When she was sixteen, the catastrophic clutches of destiny snatched away her parents. They passed away in a road accident and Neena was devastated. Relatives thronged her now gloomy house and soon it was decided that she should be married off.
Women today don’t want to be in a partnership that complicates their lives further. They need an equal partner with whom they can figure out life as a team, playing by each other’s strengths.
We all are familiar with that one annoying aunty who is more interested in our marital status than in the dessert counter at a wedding. But these aunties have somehow become obsolete now. Now they are replaced by men we have in our lives. Friends, family, and even work colleagues. It’s the men who are worried about why we are not saying yes to one among their clans. What is wrong with us? Aren’t we scared of dying alone? Like them?
A recent interaction with a guy friend of mine turned sour when he lectured me about how I would regret not getting married at the right time. He lectured that every event in our lives needs to be completed within a certain timeframe set by society else we are doomed. I wasn’t angry. I was just disappointed to realize that annoying aunties are rapidly doubling in our society. And they don’t just appear at weddings or family functions anymore. They are everywhere. They are the real pandemic.
Let’s examine this a little closer.
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