Sex Before Marriage: The Great Taboo

Posted: June 17, 2013

Why is sex before marriage such a big deal? As Indian women get married at a later age now, should we expect our 25 year olds to be virgins

By Abhilasha Purwar

The society I live in ‒ despite being relatively modern, independent, intellectual, and career oriented ‒ has failed to offer some simple explanations, solutions or reasons to certain age old practices that we still follow. One such practice is ‘’no sex before marriage’ or the recently modified, ‘sex-dependent-entirely-on-the-fact-that-we-will-marry’ a.k.a. the practice of marriage-dependent-sex.




I question this practice with the claim that sex is as basic a requirement for living beings as food, shelter, clothing, love, care, respect and freedom; this is probably because it embodies so many of these basic requirements. Our old Indian society trapped in the shackles of its values and traditions, often repeats to the new generation: “Sex is for procreation, not for recreation”. On the other hand, in western societies – the American Pies and the Naughty Americas – display sex as another form of recreation akin to loud music, disco dance, party drugs, fast cars and video games. Amidst the entire hullabaloo around sex we forgot that not just human life but all living creatures seek the touch of another from their species; just a touch, a caress, a tiny peck to or from a living soul. A search for the extended heartbeat – the extended sensation of feeling of life, of mutual existence, of coexistence shouts that sex (for all living species) is much more than either recreation or procreation.

Sexuality in India: Rarely acknowledged

Our society disapproves of “making out”, “kissing a guy/girl”, “having sex” unless 1) you are married, 2) you are okay with being called a slut or 3) you are being physically abused. Yes, this is a society which doesn’t accept its kids making their own choice of the person they want to “do nasty things with”, but constantly does nasty things to its kids, teenagers, women and men without consent and doesn’t even acknowledge it, let alone try to curb it.

Amidst the entire hullabaloo around sex we forgot that not just human life but all living creatures seek the touch of another from their species…

We think that this society I just talked about is made up of old narrow minded, parent-grandparent people. NO. This society consists of us, me, my friends, siblings, cousins and classmates. With the advent of education, career, graduation and post-graduation, the average age of marriage in any metropolitan Indian city for the college educated doctors, engineers, lawyers and managers has gone up to 24-27. And with it comes a huge flock of 25 year old virgins: both male and female.

In this matter, I often consider the poor and uneducated to be luckier than the rich and ‘modern’. Atleast the poor get married by 16-21 and are given the “permission” to do the “nasty act”, though this permitted sex without proper protection results in 20 year old kids with 2 kids and no idea of how to take care of themselves, forget the care of the kids. But, let me not get into what poor and illiterate do with their kids and just focus on what affluent and modern do with their youth.

Where can Indian women find some sexual freedom?

It seems highly ridiculous to me of a society to expect its 25 year old sons or daughters to NOT have any sexual desires, to not masturbate, to not watch porn, to not have the wish to make out with someone, and ‘actually’ control everything. From where I stand, there seems something highly wrong with the youth, something highly subdued and altered that stripped it off its crazy sexuality and turned it into an asexual being. I would expect a frustrated though silent and muffled uproar which would result in a series of harsh repercussions. From where I stand, I see a wild sexual being trapped inside everybody awaiting its release, passing 7 years of its sentence, watching its peak years pass by only to be released from the jail with a lost potential.

It seems highly ridiculous to me of a society to expect its 25 year old sons or daughters to NOT have any sexual desires…

Like the Nehru-Gandhi speeches for independence of the nation, presented loudly, boastfully on wooden stages in front of thousands of Indians in erstwhile 30s and 40s, I feel like giving a speech for the independence of the being, which I would deem much more important than the independence of a nation. How can a whole nation which equates to collective individuals be independent and free when individuals are not and how can individuals even claim to be independent and free, if one of the most basic decision, need, wish or entity of their being is controlled by laws, rules, society, traditions, doubts, mistrust and fear ?

If only, I could say something along the lines of, ‘Long years ago, we made a tryst with destiny, now the time comes, when we shall redeem our sexuality – wholly, substantially and in full measure. A moment comes, which comes but rarely in our personal history, when we open our wings, when an age ends, and when the sexuality of our being, long suppressed, finds utterance. It is fitting that at this solemn moment, we convert that utterance, into a moan, a roar, a loud cry; into an orgasm.’

*Photo credit: Frank Kovalchek (Used under the Creative Commons Attribution License.)

About the author: Abhilasha Purwar is an engineer by vocation and a traveler by avocation. Of late, her engineering is merging with economics and her travelling is merging with writing. She is passionate about dance, music, movies and most of all- about books. She is a liberal-radical feminist heavily invested in individual's freedom and rights.

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Comments

38 Comments


  1. very true.It is high time Indian Society should come out of its sexually repressive values and the concept of Brahmacharya in Hindu Spirituality .People should respect sexual desires in people.I find it really ridiculous that in this culture it is ok to have sex with a person after you are married than making love with the same person before marriage.I mean how can a ceremony permit two people to have sex.

    • It has got NOTHING whatsoever to do with so called “Brahmacharya”. If so called “Brahmacharya” was the real reason for such organised sexual repression, we would have never seen devadasi system of temple prostitution and so many red light areas in India. The real hidden reason is the CASTE factor. This is the real reason for the caste-based “arranged” love marriage — which involves at least strong brainwashing from childhood, lots of coercion and emotional blackmail. In India, all sexual repression boils down to almost one single reason — to maintain the caste system by hook or crook. It is the paranoid fear of caste dilution that motivates parents and society to tightly control the sexuality of their children. Brahmacharya is sheer hypocrisy and the MEN who preach it never tend to practise it. India is cursed in that sense. First, we had the caste system, then we had Muslim rule and after that we had a particularly racist and hypocritical Victorian Christian British pseudo-morality forced upon us. Except Islamic fundamentalist crackpots here and there, Muslim rule is history. British Victorian Christian rulers have also packed up and left. What we are left with is a caste system which is now strengthening itself and becoming more powerful whether as Khap Panchayats or as a stronger RSS or even as various caste based political parties in UP or Tamil Nadu. Until and unless the caste hierarchy and structure is fought, things will remain feudal and backward for the vast majority of Indian women. There is no doubt about that. The biggest hurdle that stands in the way of Indian women gaining their freedom to exercise their sexual rights is the CASTE factor. Indian women will have to realise this as soon as possible.

  2. While I do believe sex itself is seen as a taboo in our country more often, which is not fair, but if the western culture seems so alluring to you in terms of freedom of sex for women, you have not done a good amount of Homework and research on what this “liberality” has done to the west in terms of broken families, economic liabilities etc.I am not talking of the Utopian society in which, if you have physical relations with a person, you and he/she will surely marry, because that in many cases does not happen. And a close look will show you that it is this same liberality you speak of that gave birth to such carelessness. This is human nature, to use rules in your favor. Women have all the right to use their freedom, but more responsibly. Do you have any idea of the condition of single moms in the west and what it is doing to the economy, sounds unrelated right? Thats why I say, do the research? And very often, it is not the gentleman’s fault but a conscious decision on the lady’s part. Superficially, giving this freedom to enjoy sex (for both genders) looks very liberal. Underneath, it possess a devilish force which unleashes with time. For females, sexual connections are often more emotional than recreational, so why dont you do it more responsibly? Simply saying that you are 25 and hence entitled to “try” out this new fascinating experience is a very casually and carelessly made comment. Yes, if you do it and then stay married for the rest of your lives, you surely setting a good example for you generations to follow!

    • Abhilasha Purwar -

      Sircar : “if the western culture seems so alluring to you in terms of freedom of sex for women”
      AP : My article is highly gender-neutral. I am saying, everyone doesn’t have freedom of sex.

      Sircar: ” “liberality” has done to the west in terms of broken families, economic liabilities etc”
      AP: A liberty always come hand in hand with responsibility and that is for the people to uphold that responsibility. But, in case they don’t, it doesn’t mean you snatch away the liberty. You let them fuck there life and others life. Because, there is NO LIFE and NO LIVING without freedom and liberty.

      Also, since you are only citing ‘West’ for freedom of sex and its consequences in terms of broken families/economic liabilities; I’d direct you to east as well : Japan, Korea, China (not at all free and liberal for most things, but decently liberal when it comes to ‘sex’). One more thing to be noted is that West is not equal to mere U.S.A. Germany, France, Scandinavian countries: all are west, with high divorce rates but a solid economic structure.

      Sircar: :I am not talking of the Utopian society in which, if you have physical relations with a person, you and he/she will surely marry, because that in many cases does not happen.”

      AP: This is a highly dystopian society (which even Madras HC is also trying to build). SEX AND MARRIAGE are two SEPARATE THINGS. It is this ideological mixing of sex and marriage which leads to cases like rape victims getting married to rape. (http://articles.timesofindia.indiatimes.com/2013-04-26/noida/38842787_1_diktat-panchayat-victim)

      Sircar : “Women have all the right to use their freedom, but more responsibly”
      AP: You could be talking about two things here in terms of responsibility that comes with freedom:
      1) Unplanned pregnancy
      2) Bad name/ Slut shamming/ “Loose character titleism”
      – For (1) we have birth control methods and abortions (in any case, after planned pregnancies, when it turns out to be a female child, we are aborting it) and for (2), Get over it

      Sircar: “For females, sexual connections are often more emotional than recreational, so why don’t you do it more responsibly?”
      AP: Why not let individual females decide how sex is for them : recreational/ procreational / emotional ?
      Why are we so hell bent on generalizing all women ? And, even if lets say it is emotional, why not let females decide what they want to do? Why is every one so hell bent on providing the diktat of “Do it responsibly” ?

      Sircar: “Simply saying that you are 25 and hence entitled to “try” out this new fascinating experience is a very casually and carelessly made comment. Yes, if you do it and then stay married for the rest of your lives, you surely setting a good example for you generations to follow!”

      AP: I’d simplify your words: “If you are desperate to have sex and you are 25, then get married and stay married for rest of your life and set a good example to generations to follow”.
      In case, you cannot build a proper career because of that, it’s fine. Future generations are more concerned with proper sex in wedlock.
      Now, after marriage, you didn’t want babies, but things went wrong (seems a/c to you contraceptive methods are futile), then have the baby. Oh! you were not ready, but you are married, you can have babies.

      – Unplanned or undesired pregnancy has nothing to do with a wedlock.
      – There is nothing great to show to future generations in a so called proper sexual life in wedlock. If there is, its make a nice career, read books, become wise, become less biased, be strong and make them strong.
      – Also, Please, please, sex is not a “new, fascinating experience” : its is an “old, casual, thing” that everyone does. It is as plain as eating, drinking, sleeping, shitting.

  3. This is precisely how self-proclaimed feminists become the victim of masculine market, which requires each and every thing to come under the universal category of commodity. I am sorrily sure that you are its latest victim.

    • Completely Agree!, unfortunate to see the youth confusing independence with commodification. And sorrier to see those promoting it are females themselves, without realizing the larger picture impact. Trying to answer male chauvinism with female chauvinism, not realizing their own powers and vulnerabilities. The youth it seems is endowed with comforts and luxuries of life today to make them believe they live in a Utopian society, where they can do what they like in the name of freedom and independence. Well, good luck with their fate(s).

    • Abhilasha Purwar -

      Dear Mr, Rajendra,

      What is it about ‘self proclaimed feminist’ desiring to have sex, that is ‘being the victim of masculine market’?
      What is it about ‘self proclaimed feminist’ having sex that is ‘under the universal category of commodity’?

      What is it about both desiring to have sex and having sex that is only applicable to females ?

      Why are males desiring to have sex not the ‘victim of feminine market’?
      Why are males having sex not ‘under the universal category of commodity’?

      Please, please, explain to me the confused writer/victim, what does your statement mean?
      Also, please cite proper example to me, the confused victim, of victimization and commodification?

      – A confused latest victim.

  4. Nice Thoughts, I hope the coming Indian society understand the importance of this

  5. Dear writer,

    It is pleasant surprise that you answered, so allow me to reciprocate through following points–

    1. I put sex in different category than eating, writing, etc. The reason for this is not some vague spiritual or eastern-cultural values but wholly psychological– the more you demand sexual freedom, more you desexualize the very sex .

    2. Your whole analysis is hanging in void as it completely ignores the economics of any freedom, let aside sexual freedom. let me tell you that sexual feedom is important but is very low ranked in priority list of problems. Any analysis devoid of economics does prioritize problems in irrational manner and thus, sexual freedom, freedom to be topless, freedom to gay marriages etc. top the list.

    3. The fact of the matter is there exist no feminine market as such. Even for advertising a pen or car you need a woman in her undergarments. Donot you think that this is the same American market/culture which requires this sexual obejectification of women and at the same time it boasts of various individual freedoms, including sexual freedom.

    4. I still hold that you are victim, at least intellectually, of this masculine market because you are using the same language and having the same value preferences as this market demands, even when resisting/confronting the ill-effects of this market.

    5. if you were to look, even cursorily, at the history of 20th century , it would become patently clear that there was more freedom to women in Soviet Russia and even in Afganistan in 1970s. you may well guess the reason.

    Thanks

  6. Like the entire discussion… wanted to share my views on the same which is my fav topic too…

    I know how it feels like to be a virgin male being one at 28… with the belief in the following statement

    “Virginity is not dignity but its lack of opportunity”

    Its true that the similar kind of wanting of sex will be there in both the genders…

    My thought process started like this desire of sex is there… but the grate and the so called ancient civilization have set some rules and we should not have sex before marriage or some times its allowed if you are dam sure that you will marry the same person.

    Then wanted to find a small differentiation between sex and making love….

    I gave a gentrification to my self that sex is to reach a satisfaction point with out having any concern with the other partners feelings (going to a prostitute give money and get what one want)

    where as the second case of making love is to have the satisfaction with the passion, understanding and sharing the affection, which one will have only if there is some mutual desire with liking over the partner…(like lovers… some cases boy friend/girl friend.)

    Problems :
    Looking at ever one to fulfill the desire …
    No guarantee the will be satisfied by having once or with one
    Coming to abortion may cause other major complications(some times life threatening or some times killing the ability of not able to give birth )

    Advantages
    Some will be very happy to announce/show off so greatly that they are no more virgins…
    Can tell others what it feels like
    Will not experiment all the knowledge of porn movies over the partner after marriage (who may or may not know us… will surely get scared of the experiments)

    What could be the after effects….
    After marriage if one dose not get satisfied the way he/she got before marriage
    How many could accept that they could not be able to meet their partners expectations

    How many from our generation can accept having sex with others even after marriage to full fill the needs or if they got habituated of having sex with multiple people….

    Will the relationship stand….

    So what i feel is to find one who could hope fully be the one with whom you could hold up on for life time….

    Having said all the good things to show i am good… where i am not… as my hunt is still on… as i did not get my first kill….(Dont take the words(like hunt, kill) in the other way…)

    Where as the people with experience should say what do they feel… or what matters or what dose not….

    Dont say attitude matters… its bull shit …

    Bonding has a gr8 impact physically and mentally… It cant be a not mattering stuff… let it be Sex or Making Love

    So at the end of the day boys and girls keep rocking and leave everything behind(which is not easy always)… And try to njoy the life for the fullest…

    Because ” What ever happens, Happens for some good” 🙂

    Thanks for reading… dont curse if you dont like what ever i wrote…. 😛 🙂

    Love you all…

  7. Dear Abhilasha Purwar,

    After I read you post, I tried to believe that sex is a basic need just like food…and in order to check if I could agree or not..I imagined an arbitrary man from my office and tried to initiate a thought of the process with him…but it felt too odd..and then got confirmed that I don’t agree…for me sex is part of love..trust…commitment. I am not against sex before marriage..for if you love..trust..and are committed to someone…irrespective of being married or not..you may feel the desire and must fulfill it. But then isn’t marriage a step forward of this love? We want to marry the person whom we love…So I feel at any time if we are so much in love with a person that we aim to marry him..we must not pull back the urge to commit our body to him/her….yes the marriage may not happen in future..things may change..breakups may happen…but while you do sex..that commitment is the factor which drives u…I feel so..This is my ideology

    • Unfortunately, the article (in the way it is written), trivializes your ideology instead of upholding it. It imposes rather than logically derive why sex is a basic necessity. It was funny, because we know people can die without food, shelter, clothing, air, water etc…but ever heard anyone die of lack of fulfillment of desire or sex?

    • Abhilasha Purwar -

      SS: “It imposes rather than logically derive why sex is a basic necessity. It was funny, because we know people can die without food, shelter, clothing, air, water etc…but ever heard anyone die of lack of fulfillment of desire or sex?”

      AP:
      1) Funny thing, you didn’t notice, that “life” on the whole, existence, human existence, would cease without SEX. [Comment edited because it violates Women’s Web comment policy guidelines]

      “The sex drive is essential to the survival of the species as a whole” [excerpt taken from Sex and Power by Rita Banerjee].

    • Your article focuses more on sexual desire for pleasure making than the basic need of extending the human species. Nor does it tie sexual desire to love or commitment. In that sense, you are only promoting short term recreation. I am happy if my great*100th grand parents went horny, but eventually stayed together forever. If that is not what happened, then I feel unfortunate.You are just moving in circles and your analyses are anchored on personal emotions. It is easy for women of privileged classes to cry out about sexual freedom. But that is not the priority for the majority of your race since they don’t even have that right, such is their misery. When the privileged sit in comfortable shoes and send out untimely messages (I would still not call it wrong, even if it is my perception), it is not them, but the underprivileged who suffer. Before you cry out about sexuality, why not try to make sure your race has everyone standing on the same ground. Because if they are not, your demands for such a freedom might be the poison of another woman’s life.
      Why don’t you try responding to some replies above that are pending your attention? Or have you given up as the latest victim of the masculine market’s demand-supply trend indeed, for that is precisely what your article compels me to interpret? As for Rita Bannerjee, I have read her work (long before you quoted her, in a different context). She uses facts figures, logical arguments to convince her readers. Not her emotional whims, fancies and instincts on desire related sexual pleasures.The context in which she writes make sense and she is quite patient with her critiques. She does not respond with emotions, she responds with her real time experience in the field. That is not the credit readers would like to give to novices with no proven record, yet claiming/imposing their ideas as if they were experts. Thank you for the universal knowledge you have been showering on me. I appreciate your passion and rest my case here.

  8. I congratulate the writer for having the guts to voice her opinion on such a topic and justifying whatever she believes in.

    • Woooo Wooooooo!!! I love such gutsy girls and am sure if they show their guts will surely come out of this filthy male chauvinism.

  9. *Standing Ovation*

    Finally! Finally someone has said what I have wanted to say for years but lacked the courage to say so openly (at least in a public forum). Thank you for putting in words what our society needs to hear. Sex is as natural as other bodily functions. Perhaps if we treated it irreverently, we can hope for a freer, safer society.

  10. Men are not Dogs -

    I am really glad that you brought this thought forward. More importantly as a male we are forced to believe that females don’t have any sexual urge and it’s only the males who are keen on jumping the gun, this article gives a more honest opinion about what at least some population of the fairer sex might be thinking about.

  11. I am a male and I have read the entire piece as well as the responses to them. Though it is true that men and patriarchal society have repressed healthy expression of female sexuality, it is also true that women themselves have played an role in helping men repress women’s rights to sexually express themselves. I am also of the opinion that the primary and fundamental reason and purpose behind such well organised repression of women’s rights to sexually express themselves is nothing but the caste system. All repression of sexuality and socially well organised processes to repress women’s rights to sexually express themselves and gratify themselves in India is solely to preserve the caste system which exists not only in Hinduism, but is also strong among Indian Christians, Indian Muslims and Indian Sikhs. Without such well organised sexual repression, it would be simply impossible to force women to freely fall in love, make love and live together with whichever man or whoever women choose freely. The social and family level brainwashing of women right from childhood is so powerful, that most Indian women do not even seem to notice or realise that their choices are not born of any real “free will”, but merely the powerful conditioning and brainwashing that they were subjected to, right from their childhood. The more Indian women struggle to exercise their constitutional and gender rights, they are bound to face the reality of the caste factor. This would become quite obvious to any gender rights activist, but it seems that this is perhaps not happening as much as it ought to be happening. Indian women are merely taking their very first steps towards becoming conscious of their rights and they are already being attacked by a whole army of so called “traditional” women who wish to continue the repression and shame them back. Such brainwashed “traditional” women are nothing but enforcers of the hierarchical caste order. All that they are out to do is to take advantage of the powerful brainwashing of Indian women from childhood, reinforce it as much as possible and shame them back into the earlier docility. They are nothing but upper caste gender aristocrat storm troopers of the upper caste men who would like to continue the earlier traditional style sexual repression and stop the emerging Indian women from exercising their right to freely and frankly express their sexuality as they please, as per the constitution. The first and foremost thing that Indian women wishing to fight for the freedom to express their long overdue rights of free sexual expression is to fight against this army of repressed upper caste so-called “traditional” SEX PHOBIC women (like Manushi editor Madhu Poornima Kishwar) who are the biggest supporters of the right wing. Such upper caste right wing gender aristocrat women are the worst enemies of any Indian woman who really wants to fight for their rights to sexually express themselves democratically. They must also fight all the other feudal upper caste and Khap Panchayat forces which are out to repress women’s fundamental rights to freely express their sexualities as they choose and make all decisions regarding their own bodies. They must also fight for sex education in the schools to dispel all sexual superstitions. No god or angels from heaven above will come to help Indian women fight their battles and they themselves must do it. A minority of sympathetic Indian men like myself who want them to succeed can only wish them well. Having said that, repression of women exists across all castes, whether upper caste or lower caste, but it is certainly the upper caste male patriarchy of all religions who are powerful. Such men are generally right wing in their orientation and for the core of organisations like the RSS, VHP, Jamaat-e-Islami and Akali Dal. They also control a mob of so-called “traditional” women who are their storm troopers and Madhu Poornima Kishwar, who edits the journal Manushi is their leader. I wish all the very best to Indian women in their fight against the forces that are out to stop them from exercising their democratic, constitutional and gender rights to freely express their sexuality as they please. Victory is still a very very long way off, since the fight is only about to begin. Nothing has begun yet. But I hope it finally takes off. Rarely was any battle won without taking to the streets. It happened to an extent after the Nirbhaya rape case. The Pink Chaddi Campaign was a beginning. But the women’s struggle has not had much traction after these two small events. Indian men who are reading this ought to understand that once Indian women achieve their right to freely express themselves sexually, Indian men too stand to benefit. In that sense, this is not the struggle of Indian women alone, but also that of Indian men, whom I would like to invite, to extend all support, both material and moral.

    • How do you explain “sexual repression” (as you call it since you feel repressed on a personal level, I’d say it’s a case of strong sexual rules and restraints which may frustrate some while pleasing others) in Islamic societies, the Christian conservatives, the Amish, and even in some parts of East Asia? Don’t lump all your pre-conceptions into one box.

  12. http://chartsbin.com/view/xxj :
    Average age of first intercourse = 22.9 years (partly because of rural population which is married off pretty early).
    If I am the only one who feels that this is something pretty abnormal, then apologies, I must be abnormal.

    • Hi Abhilasha,

      It was interesting to read your post and I can understand where you are coming from.
      Sexual repression for a long period can produce quite a strong, almost-visceral response which could be more emotional and hence suffer from the flaws of emotion-driven decisions.

      Let’s look at this with more objectivity and reason. Stable relationships (even if you’d like to portray a lot of them as unhappy) & arranged marriages are the norm in India. Traditional arranged marriages, where people make a decision of a lifetime on the basis of a few meetings without a degree of emotional (& physical) intimacy require an enormous leap of faith & capacity to trust. Shared values (including important things like sex, money, religiousness, cultural values, morality) & trust are necessary to make this happen.

      The idea of traditional arranged marriage & pre-marital sex are incompatible. When one has had a relationship in the past, why not attempt another to see if that leads to marriage? It seems quite disingenuous to suddenly switch to a method that is far more conservative when you’ve already made an important non-conservative choice prior in your life.Pre-marital sex is a rubicon that demonstrates that you have a different perspective and approach to finding your partner. You shouldn’t then fall back on to a process which values sexual conservatism and relies on very little info to match two people (because it assumes that the two people share the same cultural values and hence are very similar & compatible). Yet this is what a lot of Indians want to do. For a lot of the Indians who mistakenly think they’re modern, one or two failed relationships, and it’s back to arranged marriages where they usually start their most important relationship based on lies & deceit. Arranged marriages seem to be the most efficient means for building stable relationships for the vast majority of Indians presently. Rajendra (posted above) offers a smart, well-reasoned explanation for this and how given the huge list of problems (particularly to individual rights, freedom, attainment of standard life objectives), sexual freedom is not in the top of the priority list. Not even close. SS also makes an excellent point about this hurting non-privileged women and men.

      As a relatively well-off woman you certainly have more choices than you think:

      1. Within the scope of traditional norms, have an early arranged marriage with a man who is all right with your career aspirations (There are men like this amongst today’s Indians). You mistakenly presume that marriage means the end of a career for women. It is certainly possible.

      If it’s too late for that or you do not want to commit for a lifetime yet then:

      2.You can alleviate your personal problems by striving as an individual for the things you believe in, be it a relationship that leads to a marriage or anything else. Just don’t expect social sanction and be aware of the risks. Don’t expect individual freedom with the security of social approval when what you are making is such an “individual choice”. Don’t expect to “enlighten and free” the rest of us by shouting us down or reading a “speech”. We have every right to our own freedoms and opinions.

  13. Roopsingh Khosla -

    You are right. But the lower middle class people ( like myself one) may not fully convercent with the thought. MUJHE MERE BEHEN KO SHADI KARANA HAI,If she indulges with the things, mera KYA HOGA OUR MUJHE SHADI KE LIYE KAUN LADKI DEGA.I hope, there must be lot of answer. But MAI KYA KAROON. With a hope for reply.
    Truely Yours, Roopsingh.

  14. Indians care more about status than they do about their kids. That’s the truth of the matter. The western father who grudgingly talks to his daughter about sex is viewed as morally backward while the Indian father who shuns his daughter for getting pregnant is upholding high moral standards. That kind of morality beggars belief.

    The truth is that Indian kids are having sex. But because of society’s taboo they never talk about it. A lot of it is probably unprotected and riskier as a consequence.

  15. This Article speaks truth revealing how narrow minded our culture is but if we look back 20 to 30 years the mindset was horribly narrow specially towards women . If we compare the then scenario to now the mindset of the people have evolved, and this has evolved due to education. We can’t take a stand and fight on this issue, imagine yourself fighting your parents on your sexual freedom, it can only be achieved through an educated society .

  16. Dr. M. B. Sharma -

    A very thought-provoking and bold article that presents a truthful picture of unmarried young people and urging all elderly people to have a shift in their outlook towards sex that is made moral or immoral by us rather than by biological factors.

  17. hahaha loved reading your article! And got bored reading some of the comments. Sex is sex and everything around it are .. just stories! Having been a late boomer I now encourage everyone to experience sex the way they wish to.. the outcome, repercussions, impact of it is for that person’s life journey to unfold and learn whatever it is that they need to for a more fulfilling life. For me, it has been a lovely journey of self discovery and I wish more people could experience the various nuances and shades of sex (which might be limited in case of just one person but nothing wrong in it..there’s a lot that monogamy gives too). I guess sex is a difficult subject cos of the intensity it holds esp in terms of emotions which might be difficult for people to understand/handle..Ok now that’s also just a story 🙂 Just enjoy life and the roller coaster ride of ups and downs and let others do the same in their life! Now if only I could convince my landlord that there’s nothing “wrong” for a single 30+ girl to allow guys home at night!Sigh! !

  18. pramillakulkarni -

    Didn’t particularly enjoy your article but loved the last comment. “Sex is sex…everything around it are just stories.” Its purely physical. Methinks we used a to quite a liberal culture until the British sailed in and took over. I guess, our barely there clothing and tropical weather stoked their internal fires a bit too much ;P Then they started the celibacy until marriage crap under the name of religion and turned our world upside down.
    Sex is really no big deal, but as Uncle Ben says, with power comes great responsibility. If you want the power to have sex as you please be ready to face the responsibility that comes with it. Be safe, have fun.

  19. Pingback: Is Sex Before Marriage Still Taboo? - masalamommas

  20. TARIKA NARULA -

    beautiful article, dear writer. For those who are talking about the writer “having trivialized sex and made it something like food, water, sleep”- dear people, yes sex is just that. you heard it right. For reference, read Abraham Maslow’s Need Hierarchy theory. Sex is as essential for recreation as it is for procreation because Research also shows how the ‘touch’ is also a basic mamallian necessity (For reference, read the social experiment where baby monkeys preferred a monkey mother made of cotton and wool than metal wire though both were providing with milk). Also, the urge for sexual exploration followed by sexual contact begins as puberty is reached. Since the age of marriage in the earlier days for both men and women was lower, marriage gave them the necessary frame to release their sexual energies. With changing times, the age of marriage has increased but that does not mean that our biological timing has changed. Thus the the timing for the need for sex to arise remains the same. So the connection between sex and marriage is not natural; its just that it has come to be like this due to the existing customs.

  21. Hmm you’re making it seem like only “indian women” need special attention not “Indian youth” in general.. that’s pretty sexist.

    You clearly acknowledged that both men&women are expected to be virgins and be both are sexually repressed and yet you go on about how indian woman need special care..

  22. Life in a balance -

    One simple question – you mention in one of your answers – AP: SEX AND MARRIAGE are two SEPARATE THINGS. Now when the law was passed that consensus sex will be treated as rape if woman says it was done based on marriage promises – a law that most probably has only been misused by urban women – I did not see any objection from the feminist world – quite contradictory don’t you think !

  23. Pingback: The history and culture of Sex in Hinduism and India – References | Meera Darji - Year 3 Media Production

  24. Pingback: The history and culture of Sex in Hinduism and India – Part 2 Research | Meera Darji - Year 3 Media Production

  25. Pingback: No sex please, we’re Asian | British Asian Woman

  26. Pingback: Sex Education. Or the lack thereof in India. | tasminkurien

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