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Instead, we women give solutions and try to help too much. If he needs money, she tries to arrange that for him too. Why?
Love has many forms.
Born as a woman, nurturing comes instinctively. We take care of our children; we have motherly feelings, and we are natural givers. The mothers themselves bring boys up in our society as takers.
A woman falls in love. She gives so much of herself that she worships the ground he walks on. She puts him first.
Too much love makes the woman her boyfriend’s or husband’s therapist. She doesn’t understand until it’s too late. Pampering the man is her way of expressing love. Nothing is wrong with that.
What happens to him when he receives this kind of love? He accepts it initially with a lot of joy and with a lot of gratitude. Responding lovingly, he indulges her, too. Eventually, he sees his own mother’s image in her. The man is taking her for granted. And she continues to love blindly. Unable to see that fine line, she ceases to be his girlfriend, his wife, and love interest. Almost turning into his mother or therapist, she gives him solutions when he discusses things with her. They stopped being friends.
What happens? When we talk about problems, we don’t need to receive or give advice. Just listen. Empathize. Be there!
Instead, we women give solutions and try to help too much. If he needs money, she tries to arrange that for him too.
What happened to him? He is taking her for granted. She’ll always be there. It’s her job to support him. He had made the fatal error.
She supports him. She loves him, and she stands by him through thick and thin, but she also knows when to say no. But the woman’s “NO” comes at the saturation point.
By now, she has taken enough nonsense from him. He has no clue. The breakup begins.
Reality dawns. The woman is deeply hurt. The distancing begins. Preparing herself mentally, she takes charge of her life. He is blissfully unaware. By now, the gap is a chasm. There is no deep communication. She’s become his “pseudo mom.” He had long forgotten that he needed to support her and hold her hand. Be her man and give her a shoulder to cry on occasionally. Be her friend.
The woman has reached her saturation point. Now there is no going back. If you notice, in most cases, it’s the woman who takes the first step to start a separation because she dares to stand by her convictions.
There is no return. It is time to ‘move on’.
I am telling you this entire story today because I want every woman to stop taking this nonsense from day one. She needs to stand up for herself and make her own relationship choices to communicate better with her companion. Articulate about what she wants and what she doesn’t want.
I’m very sure a man will appreciate an honest partner who is tough. Yes, he must, from day one. Now is the time for men and women to behave like true partners and take on responsibilities equally.
Why? because they are getting the same education. They are being brought up in the same way by their parents. The woman is no longer the martyr, and the man should not be the taker. They must work and walk in an equal partnership to live happily and bring up children. If they want to have children, that is a debate for another day. It is unnecessary to have children to have a good relationship or marriage.
It is important to love each other, share, and care for each other.
I speak with authority, having been my ex-husband’s therapist, confidante, supporter, and pseudo parent for years before I said “NO to Nonsense” and set out on a journey to find myself. I would want none of my tribe to waste so much time struggling to adjust to unhappy situations. I write to remind myself not to make the same mistakes in my second marriage.
Loving and prioritising myself is a form of love.
Image Source: Still from short film Ek Chhoti Si Ego/Mirage Miracle, YouTube
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Bindiya is a linguist, who works at a diplomatic mission, is a wife, a mother, and an Indian citizen who is passionate about living life to its fullest. She is actively involved in several social read more...
Women's Web is an open platform that publishes a diversity of views, individual posts do not necessarily represent the platform's views and opinions at all times.
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Shows like Indian Matchmaking only further the argument that women must adhere to social norms without being allowed to follow their hearts.
When Netflix announced that Indian Matchmaking (2020-present) would be renewed for a second season, many of us hoped for the makers of the show to take all the criticism they faced seriously. That is definitely not the case because the show still continues to celebrate regressive patriarchal values.
Here are a few of the gendered notions that the show propagates.
A mediocre man can give himself a 9.5/10 and call himself ‘the world’s most eligible bachelor’, but an independent and successful woman must be happy with receiving just 60-70% of what she feels she deserves.
As long as teachers are competent in their job, and adhere to the workplace code of conduct, how does it matter what they do in their personal lives?
A 30 year old Associate Professor at a well-known University, according to an FIR filed by her, was forced to resign because the father of one of her students complained that he found his son looking at photographs of her, which according to him were “objectionable” and “bordering on nudity”.
There are two aspects to this case, which are equally disturbing, and which together make me question where we are heading as a society.
When the father of an 18 year old finds his son looking at photographs of a lady in a swimsuit, he can do many things. What this parent allegedly did was to dash off a letter to the University which states: