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Did he love me...did he not? This puzzle was solved years later, but...
Did he love me…did he not? This puzzle was solved years later, but…
I have had several romantic liaisons none of which reached the stage of fruition, culminating in matrimony.
This is yet another incident in which I had no inkling whatsoever regarding what the other individual felt. Had I got a clue things would have worked out differently.
During the summer of that particular year, many moons ago, I met this young man, a pen-pusher like myself. Those days I worked for a local city magazine. My colleague Sunil, who was a close friend of this guy (let’s call him Rahul) introduced us.
He was polite well-mannered and affable. He would often drop in at the office with Sunil .Our conversation generally veered around current affairs, politics and story ideas for upcoming articles.
Eventually, I turned to freelancing. Around that time I would meet Rahul many times. In fact he was employed in a newspaper office on Bahadur Shah Zafar Marg (Delhi’s Fleet street) which was close to my office.
He helped me a great deal by connecting me to editors and supervisors of several publications. I can’t thank him enough for his kindness. Let me confess I had no romantic notions about Rahul though he was fairly attractive with a massive stature. He also displayed no signs of special feelings, messages, notes, or starry eyed looks as far as I could gather.
This camaraderie would have continued uninterrupted, but it so happened that I met ‘my husband’ via matrimonial ad. Since he agreed to a simple unostentatious civil wedding the deal was clinched.
Meanwhile, unaware of this development, Rahul invited me home for lunch during one weekend. (Now looking back, I guess he probably had planned to propose). Over a sumptuous lunch when I broke the news of the impending event and handed him the invitation card , he was taken aback. His facial expression changed. But recovering quickly he began to behave normally as before. (Women have a sixth sense that’s never wrong; so I guess he was disappointed).
Rahul came to our wedding reception where he gifted me a huge bouquet comprising my favourite roses and Rajanigandha/tuberose. I now faintly recall how despite repeated requests made by parents and self he managed to wriggle out of eating dinner, helping himself to only a cup of coffee.
On being introduced to my partner he was cordial as behoves a gentleman. Much later, when we were fairly settled in our married life, the husband mentioned observing how, throughout that evening, Rahul hadn’t take his eyes off me wherever I went – meeting friends greeting guests, posing for photo ops. These, he said were sure signs of unrequited emotions.(Incidentally, the hubby is a major in psychology, so he knows.) Or was it love? Who knows?
Post-marriage our friendly ties continued, since we were in the same profession. We bumped into each other at press conferences, libraries and other social do’s. His tone of light banter continued unabated.
That my hunch or conjecture was accurate came to light when, one day during a casual conversation, Sunil disclosed that Rahul had secretly admired me. He was just too shy to pop the question!
I was stunned. Three years later, about the time I had my baby, Rahul tied the knot with a Tamilian lady and a fellow scribe.
Soon after, they were blessed with a bonny daughter. For a few years thereafter, we grew out of touch . About ten years ago fate brought us together again. By sheer coincidence he joined the private television channel where I was already working. Here too, his characteristic bonhomie was unmistakable. We worked together for a few months following which he opted for a more lucrative offer.
Personally I am glad that there was no bitterness or bad blood between us. As they say “whatever happens, happens for good.” I am sanguine he must be leading a blissful life wherever he is.
Also, knowing myself thoroughly well, I am sure he has found a far better spouse than I could have been!
Am a trained and experienced features writer with 25 plus years of experience .My favourite subjects are women's issues, food travel, art,culture ,literature et all.Am a true feminist at heart. An iconoclast read more...
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Why do parents avoid explaining the physical part of relationships to their children? The mindset is-'they will learn on their own like I learnt.'
Marriage. A word with conflicting sentiments. Love, exhilaration, fear, and adjustments were all deep sentiments that tingled in the pit of my stomach from time to time. However, I believe that the final decision must be taken solely by the two persons after the completion of courtship period (or whatever you call it).
My cousin got married in this lockdown. She was not very excited about the shrinking guest list. Though she was ecstatic she had me. More than the sisterhood bonding, we apportion a cognation of mentor-student. Moreover, I feel so protective towards her as she is introvert, shy, and timid. All I endeavoured and wanted her was her voice and a stand for herself.
It was her mehndi the day I reached. She rushed to hug me with those moist eyes. Fighting back my tears and holding her in my arms, my mind toggled between past and present. “I am so happy you made it di,” she said. It was the moment of mixed feelings, a reminder of the time when I was naïve to the change marriage brought into my life. I inhaled my lungs full of air in disbelief that the baby girl is getting married in two days. She blushed as others giggled and teased her asking her about the guy.
From the time one dancer went public about Pt Birju Maharaj through a series of stories on Instagram, the classic cycle of victim blaming started asserting itself- deny, disbelieve, discredit, disgrace.
Trigger warning: This has sexual abuse, victim blaming, and gaslighting, and may be triggering to survivors.
In light of the recent allegations of sexual misconduct by the legendary kathak maestro Pt. Birju Maharaj, a number of people are asking “why now?” Why is the person choosing to make the allegations public after his death when he is no longer around to defend himself? What is to be gained by sullying his reputation when he is no longer in the world? If these allegations were true, why didn’t we hear of it before?
Women often experience a loss of interest in sex after a baby, especially if they are juggling too many roles at one time and get too tired. A short story.
It was around midnight and Priya’s entire body was craving for respite. Her head was throbbing, her legs were heavy and her eyes were shut with the weight of sleep. She wished she could just close her mind and fall into that deep and comfortable lap of nothingness. But yet the pain between her legs and inside her vagina did not allow that luxury to come so easily. She was sore there. Very sore.
It was after almost two months that they had made love. The last time she had enjoyed sex with her husband Rahul was when they were on a holiday in Coonoor in December. Even then, she remembered she had been drunk with four pegs of Vodka. The long vacation, the absence of a mobile network, the long walks through the quiet campus of the resort plus the intimate and mentally stimulating conversation with Rahul had aroused her even before they went inside the room. Her one year old baby sleeping on the bed next to theirs hadn’t bothered her then. She had actually felt wetness between her legs, she had been excited. The “O” had been almost perfect, the first proper one after the baby. And the sleep after that had been the best she have had in the last one year.
"Her only son, the one for whom she lived such a hard life, he was now ashamed of her very existence. She felt that her heart would break into a thousand pieces."
“Her only son, the one for whom she lived such a hard life, he was now ashamed of her very existence. She felt that her heart would break into a thousand pieces.”
Radhika woke up from deep sleep. She looked around and saw that she was in a small cubicle in a hospital bed, with white curtains separating her bed from others. One of her hands held a cannula through which IV fluid was passing. She then felt a gnawing pain in the lower abdomen. Not fully out of the effects of anesthesia, half dazed, she touched her abdomen with her wrinkled hand. Yes, there was a huge piece of soft cotton, cushioned over her wound and wrapped with the surgical cloth around her abdomen.
She took her hands back and gave a huge sigh of relief. Although in pain, she let out a smile, and thought she must be the first person to be feeling so happy and relieved after removing one of her kidneys which were actually in perfect condition! And why not? After all, it was all for her son – and no exaggeration there; she would even give her life for him!