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Always talk about your feelings and express your feelings by stating how it makes you feel what the other said or did
Express Constructive Criticism without Blame
Have you ever heard the harsh line from your partner asking, Are you complaining? You only tried to express your feelings, giving the other person a chance to improve your relationship. Right..? Well, it doesn’t matter how well-meaning your intentions are, it’s all about what you communicate and how you do it. When we blame our partner for failing at things we would do otherwise, it makes him feel unworthy and unwanted. Men are especially sensitive to criticism as their ego-center is more developed and they want to be the hero of our lives. So what can you do?
Expressing your feelings is good. You have to sit down and talk to your beloved about what matters to you, how you feel differently about things, what makes you unhappy. We all bring baggage from our childhood, we just have to be willing to figure out what makes the other tick. What upsets him, what makes him truly happy. It isn’t too difficult but it takes effort. And it always takes two to tango, so both of you have to be willing to do the work and make your relationship work.
How to do this well? Constructive criticism means forgetting about negativity, criticism, and blame altogether. Always talk about your feelings by stating how it makes you feel what the other said or did. Saying what I feel because you did that is much better than you did this and that wrong, how can you be so insensitive or what’s wrong with you. When things get hot and you feel like an explosive bomb, pause and take 3 deep breaths and remember to talk about your feelings without blaming him. The tone of your voice should always be supportive.
When you are too defensive is similar to blaming the other. You play the victim role and deep down you feel rage for some unresolved issues, often coming from your childhood. You are afraid of possible danger, hence you can stand up for yourself, sometimes a bit too much. The man in your life cannot make a difference between an angry tiger and you; it has been part of his defense mechanism not too long ago, fighting with the animal world. So, you don’t want to make him think that way about you. It just further pushes him.
If he happens to pinpoint a failure like you didn’t listen to him, talked too much, or he wasn’t heard in a situation, be willing to listen. Don’t say NO or try to protect yourself. Say okay, I hear you, or I’m sorry I should have listened more. This way he feels heard and appreciated. It empowers him to do more for you. You shouldn’t strive to do so because you are trying to manipulate him, but because you want to improve your connection and bring out his best. In return, he will bring out your best.
Respect is a biggie for a man. When you talk in a feminine way respectfully with him, you speak his language. He will listen and will want to do anything for you. If you are condescending your relationship won’t last too long. It makes him feel beneath you, and no men want that. All men crave to be looked up to for something, the more things the better. It usually starts with height, being smarter, earning more, being able to lead the family. You in return can support him with your qualities and the things you do better. The best relationships are those where there is mutual respect and the parties complement each other.
Never start a conversation with conflict, nor go on withholding a grudge. Wait until you both calm down. Tell him, you feel you cannot talk right now, and ask to have the conversation a bit later. When you both re-approach it with a cool head, loving intentions, and willingness to work it out, the outcome is incomparable. It is worth waiting and giving it another try; we all can have bad days. Make sure that you both are coming from the same direction and want to make your contact work. If only one of you is building the foundations of your home while the other is never there, it is going to end up being a lonely home.
Avoid any negativity in your communication, don’t be sarcastic! Women in long-term relationships don’t even think of its harmful effect; they emasculate a man by telling him off repeatedly. Don’t be that person just because you want to express your feelings. Do it the smart way, as mentioned above, and try not to be too overwhelming. Don’t mention every shortcoming of a man, especially at once. Appreciate your differences and that they are created to see the big picture by being more goal-oriented unlike women, who are better at the details.
You should keep in mind that men are much more simple than women. So, when he is focused on something important, don’t try to punish him. He is probably working on his mission, as every man has at least one. They are created that way. The last thing you want to do is being mad at him for doing so, and neglecting, disregarding, or overlooking him. If you behave this way, you will only become his enemy.
Always and in every possible way. This is probably the most important quality of a woman. What men do they usually do for their women, the family, to contribute to society and make the world evolve. By voicing how well he does, and praising him for his efforts, women also add to the growth of the big picture. Do this even when you are tired or don’t feel he deserves it because he is not reciprocating. Appreciate his overall effort and the things he does better. There’s always something to be thankful for.
Connecting through the eyes is a direct path to someone’s soul. Be willing to connect this way often. A gentle touch can mean the whole world to a man who is coming home tired after a day of hard work fighting all day for his family. If you make it a habit to go out of your way and welcome him warmly daily, your relationship will thank it.
Pic Credit: Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
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