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Masturbation Is Not Only For Men, As I Learnt Almost 5 Years After My Marriage

At 30, married for around five years and a mother to a toddler, I was still unintroduced to the world of sexuality. I did not know what my body wanted, or why I did not enjoy sex with my husband.


At 30, married for around five years and a mother to a toddler, I was still unintroduced to the world of sexuality. I did not know what my body wanted, or why I did not enjoy sex with my husband.

I have no vivid memory of any conversation around sexuality in my childhood. Not even in my adulthood. It is true I have never discussed sex with anyone, not even my husband. I am sure there are many more women like me who grew up thinking, “good girls don’t talk about what happens between the sheets.”

I got married. I had no idea what to expect from sex. I just recalled overhearing a friend who was telling someone on the phone, “keep him happy in bed, men love sex.”. So, I thought I was obliged to do what he tells me to.

He wanted it every day, even several times a day on several days. I did not enjoy sex as much. Yet I did it to please him. Never did it cross my mind that I could resist.

I got tired of sex soon. Perhaps within a few months. I did not understand why people hyped up sex so much. It was never that pleasurable to me. But I kept doing it, just because I thought a woman ought to please her man. However, in my heart I began to detest it, and prayed that my husband got a transfer or something. Thankfully, within a year he started a late shift at work and would return home around midnight. I feigned sleeping on most nights. He would start caressing me, touching me but I would pretend to sleep and he would give up in some time. I dreaded weekends, there was no escape!

I was finding excuses to not have sex

I was turning into a messed-up person, trying to find excuses to not get physical with her husband. I did like the closeness, but never enjoyed intercourse. It was all about him. He would start, and soon finish off with his ejaculation.

I started feeling depressed. I knew there was something wrong, but I did not know what to do about it. I could not even imagine talking about my problem with anyone.

Things continued like that for around three years and we had our first child by then.

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One day a newly married guest talked about orgasms

One day, my husband’s friend came to visit us with his wife. They were newly married, and the wife was quite an open-minded person. After dinner when she and I were alone in the room, she started the conversation on sex. She said how good orgasms felt.

My cheeks reddened and my ears were hot; it was unexpected. I had never ever spoken about my bedroom life with anyone. I was visibly uncomfortable when she said, “masturbation is still my favourite though.”

I was shocked and she sensed it. “Sorry, did I say something that offended you?”

“Let’s change the topic,” I answered.

Learning to masturbate

That night, I could not sleep. Did women masturbate too? Wasn’t it a man’s deed? I was confused.

At 30, married for around five years and a mother to a toddler, I was still unintroduced to the world of sexuality. I did not know what my body wanted, or why I did not enjoy sex with my husband.

When I was sure my husband and baby were fast asleep, I tiptoed to the next room and started my research on female masturbation. The first article said, “Masturbation is good for you.”

Reading through the articles, I started feeling wet down there. I felt aroused and slid my index finger into my panty for the very first time. Excitement overpowered “values” and I started rubbing my clitoris. I rubbed and rubbed and felt light in head. I could feel the blood rushing below and a novel exciting tension gripped my lower body. I rubbed harder and boom, I experienced a sudden release of the sexual tension- voilà my first orgasm. I was exhausted yet exhilarated. My first orgasm told me what was missing in my sex life, I had never had an orgasm before.

Finally, I began to enjoy sex…

I began fingering myself more frequently. I did it without guilt, specially after sex sessions. I wanted our sex life to improve and I was aware by now that my frustration was coming from the fact that I never climaxed. I treated myself with orgasms after sex, but in hiding. My husband has no clue.

It has been ten years since then and I now masturbate like a pro. I know I deserve this pleasure. I have never orgasmed during sex and I know many women can’t during intercourse, but I look forward to sex for the hugs and kisses with my husband. I know for sure that I have become a calmer person. The release of sexual tension from time to time has changed me a lot. I feel happier and fulfilled as a woman.

Masturbation is not only for men. Period.

Image source: Ava Sol on Unsplash

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