At 30, married for around five years and a mother to a toddler, I was still unintroduced to the world of sexuality. I did not know what my body wanted, or why I did not enjoy sex with my husband.
I have no vivid memory of any conversation around sexuality in my childhood. Not even in my adulthood. It is true I have never discussed sex with anyone, not even my husband. I am sure there are many more women like me who grew up thinking, “good girls don’t talk about what happens between the sheets.”
I got married. I had no idea what to expect from sex. I just recalled overhearing a friend who was telling someone on the phone, “keep him happy in bed, men love sex.”. So, I thought I was obliged to do what he tells me to.
He wanted it every day, even several times a day on several days. I did not enjoy sex as much. Yet I did it to please him. Never did it cross my mind that I could resist.
I got tired of sex soon. Perhaps within a few months. I did not understand why people hyped up sex so much. It was never that pleasurable to me. But I kept doing it, just because I thought a woman ought to please her man. However, in my heart I began to detest it, and prayed that my husband got a transfer or something. Thankfully, within a year he started a late shift at work and would return home around midnight. I feigned sleeping on most nights. He would start caressing me, touching me but I would pretend to sleep and he would give up in some time. I dreaded weekends, there was no escape!
I was turning into a messed-up person, trying to find excuses to not get physical with her husband. I did like the closeness, but never enjoyed intercourse. It was all about him. He would start, and soon finish off with his ejaculation.
I started feeling depressed. I knew there was something wrong, but I did not know what to do about it. I could not even imagine talking about my problem with anyone.
Things continued like that for around three years and we had our first child by then.
One day, my husband’s friend came to visit us with his wife. They were newly married, and the wife was quite an open-minded person. After dinner when she and I were alone in the room, she started the conversation on sex. She said how good orgasms felt.
My cheeks reddened and my ears were hot; it was unexpected. I had never ever spoken about my bedroom life with anyone. I was visibly uncomfortable when she said, “masturbation is still my favourite though.”
I was shocked and she sensed it. “Sorry, did I say something that offended you?”
“Let’s change the topic,” I answered.
That night, I could not sleep. Did women masturbate too? Wasn’t it a man’s deed? I was confused.
When I was sure my husband and baby were fast asleep, I tiptoed to the next room and started my research on female masturbation. The first article said, “Masturbation is good for you.”
Reading through the articles, I started feeling wet down there. I felt aroused and slid my index finger into my panty for the very first time. Excitement overpowered “values” and I started rubbing my clitoris. I rubbed and rubbed and felt light in head. I could feel the blood rushing below and a novel exciting tension gripped my lower body. I rubbed harder and boom, I experienced a sudden release of the sexual tension- voilà my first orgasm. I was exhausted yet exhilarated. My first orgasm told me what was missing in my sex life, I had never had an orgasm before.
I began fingering myself more frequently. I did it without guilt, specially after sex sessions. I wanted our sex life to improve and I was aware by now that my frustration was coming from the fact that I never climaxed. I treated myself with orgasms after sex, but in hiding. My husband has no clue.
It has been ten years since then and I now masturbate like a pro. I know I deserve this pleasure. I have never orgasmed during sex and I know many women can’t during intercourse, but I look forward to sex for the hugs and kisses with my husband. I know for sure that I have become a calmer person. The release of sexual tension from time to time has changed me a lot. I feel happier and fulfilled as a woman.
Masturbation is not only for men. Period.
Image source: Ava Sol on Unsplash
Guest Bloggers are those who want to share their ideas/experiences, but do not have a profile here. Write to us at [email protected] read more...
Women's Web is an open platform that publishes a diversity of views, indivisual posts do not necessarily represent the platofrom's views and opinions at all times.
Stay updated with our Weekly Newsletter or Daily Summary - or both!
If in-laws treat their daughters in law differently, it can certainly lead to a very traumatic and sticky situation in the family.
“Can you get me some water?” asked my MIL from her place in the bedroom at 11a.m. on a leisurely Sunday.
Apologies to patriotic people, but most of us Indians are not sensitive to special needs people & their emotions. Let's make this world a better place for them!
Apologies to patriotic people, but most of us Indians are not sensitive to special needs people & their emotions. Let’s make this world a better place for them!
My daughter Farheena is a young, smart lady with special needs. She is 26 years of age. I was diagnosed with 3rd Stage breast cancer when she was just 11 months old. Considering how our society responds to people who are different in any way, I was so scared to die that I kicked cancer and continued living. Of course, I had to undergo regular treatment to overcome cancer, but it was not tough.
Why women cheat is not such a mystery if you really look at the dynamics of their relationships, and realize that women want just one thing above everything else - love.
Why women cheat is not such a mystery if you really look at the dynamics of their relationships, and realize that women want just one thing above everything else – love.
I do not condone cheating of any kind in a relationship. This article is not a justification of women’s infidelity. I’m writing this article to explain why women cheat on their significant other. I want to explain the circumstances and the thought process that lead to their decision.
Marriage is the ultimate goal for women of our society - their sexual orientation, or willingness to marry, still doesn't matter in many cases, as these stories show.
Marriage is the ultimate goal for women of our society – their sexual orientation, or willingness to marry, still doesn’t matter in many cases, as these stories show.
My spunky daughter was having a fun banter with one of my relatives when she was told that she will be missed in the future. “Why? Where am I going? I am here only!” She was perplexed.