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Sometimes, a song can take us back in time and cause us to drown in our memories and the emotions they bring forth.
There is a Portuguese term which perfectly describes what she was feeling that evening – Saudade. Wikipedia defines saudade as a deep emotional state of nostalgic or profound melancholic longing for an absent something or someone that one cares for and/or loves, while simultaneously having positive emotions towards the future.
She had stopped keeping count of the number of days that followed the same monotonous routine. Although it did look like just another day with her busy, cooking up dinner for seven people, it was a day unlike others for her. That evening, a song from the series of old songs her in-laws played every evening, unlocked memories of her final goodbyes to people, places, and herself. These memories represented her hollowness in her, a space that could not be filled again. At the same time the space made her who she is.
The songs kind of had a Fado (Portuguese Music) effect on her. She knew it was time to say her goodbyes again – some all over again and some for the very first time. As she peeled back the layers of onion, she sunk even further. She felt like she was in an underground train that travelled at rocket speed. From inside the train she watched as she left the people she loved behind, a few for forever while a few boarded a different train. While she peeled the thin skin off of the garlic, she bid farewell to her unborn child whom she’d never met. Her lovers passed by so quickly, some whom she loved more than they her and vice versa.
The song changed, and the tempering spices took her to a song he used to sing when he got happy drunk. She wanted the train to stop as there were things unspoken between them. She wasn’t even able to see him for the last time as she had just completed her first trimester and was advised against it by everyone. She wanted the train to stop to thank him for giving her a direction that even she could not see. She wanted to hug him one last time as he would have been the happiest to know that she was carrying a child. After all it had only been for 10 years that he had dedicated himself to pestering her to have a child. She wanted to apologise in case he thought she had picked a side. She wanted to forgive him. She wanted to say her final goodbye.
The song changed again as she robotically carried on with the cooking. She now felt the vacuum left by all the people she knew of only because of their work. She started missing them. Now her train was slowing down and she started seeing all the places that were, all the things that were and all that she was.
A tear finally dripped down her face and she started feeling lighter. She was finally coming afloat and could see the sunlight above her. That moment, that very moment was her utopia of emotions.
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