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I Am Not Trying To Be The Perfect Parent, Just A Patient One!

Posted: April 13, 2021

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Being a patient person is a task on its own, but, being a patient parent is a different ball game altogether! Here’s how I am trying to do it!

Patience and parenting go hand-in-hand. But we know from experience, it doesn’t happen as often as we would like it to. Parenting is hard, and there are no hard and fast rules to follow and make this easier.

It’s a journey, and we learn from our experiences, and our mistakes.

What is patience? The dictionary defines patience as ‘the capacity to bear pains or trials calmly or without complaint.’ And as ‘remaining steadfast despite opposition, difficulty or adversity.’

Patience is a powerful tool, it makes parenting both easy and challenging. It’s both an attitude and an ability. And it isn’t always possible to remain calm and deal rationally with every day-to-day problem. We lose patience and sometimes end up raising our voices at our children. The result? A guilty parent, and a traumatised child.

One day taught me a lot!

Sharing a chapter from my parenting journey – a simple episode. But one that left behind learning of a lifetime.

‘Are you not going to scold me?’

My 10-year-old daughter couldn’t believe her eyes and ears. She had spilled milk on the kitchen counter. Again! Like almost every other day. But unlike other days, I said, ‘Wipe it or else it will stink.’

And I resumed cooking.

The colourless dal morphed into a bright yellow as the turmeric and dal became one. And the bright yellow reminded me of a sunny day from a few weeks ago. The day when the sun truly shone on me, the day darkness left me.

That day was a regular rushed morning – cooking, cleaning, packing lunch boxes and water bottles. I had recently started volunteering in a school for children with autism and had to board the 7:55 am bus. The clock was ticking faster every moment, and my blood pressure was rising at an even faster pace.

As soon as the milk spilled, my temper rose!

‘Good morning Amma,’ my daughter greeted me walking in rubbing her eyes. Too engrossed to even properly respond, I gave her a glass of milk and focused on the pending tasks.

‘Clang!’

The stainless-steel tumbler dropped on the floor. A chocolate river flowed on the floor, spreading everywhere. And for some unknown reason, the river burst out like a volcano, spewing lava of harsh words.

‘Why are you so careless?’ I screamed at the petrified child.

‘Sorry, Amma,’ she whispered, trembling with fear. Tiny drops spilt from her eyes. But my rage had blinded me. And I refused to accept that it was a minor incident, an accident. Venomous words gushed out with a fury.

Don’t cry over spilled milk, the adage rang in my ears. But I ignored it and continued my tirade. Scolding and screaming at the little one. Losing track of time, not realizing the magnitude of my words.

I barely made it to the bus stop on time.

It’s tough to accept my own mistakes

But once at school, working with other children, I forgot all about the morning’s incident. Until a parent quipped, ‘Chandra you are so patient. Forever smiling, always helping. Your kids are really lucky.’

Another lady said, ‘It’s so draining working with kids with disabilities but you never lose your calm.’

Really? That was a hard slap in my face.

The ride back home was a difficult one. It’s difficult to face our flaws. But I had to do it. When my daughter’s teary-eyed face floated in front of my eyes, I felt ashamed of myself. It was easier and natural for me to be patient and kinder towards others’ kids, but with mine, I was a different person altogether.

‘Amma, I wiped it,’ my daughter’s voice brought me to the present. She embraced me in her tiny arms, and chirped, ‘I love you more today!’

Her sparkling eyes were my reward. I was putting in efforts consciously to be more patient and understanding with my child.

Here are some lessons I learnt

While I have many more lessons to learn in my parenting journey, there are some pearls of wisdom I have gained so far. Here are some of them –

  • Things are breakable but children are precious. Handle them with loads of love and care.
  • My kids will not always listen to me. They will disagree and argue. After all, they do have brains of their own.
  • It’s easier to scream and difficult to listen. But I like challenges!
  • Screaming and then crying due to guilt is not fun!
  • Respond with love or react with anger – not a very tough choice to make!
  • (This is a personal favourite and a secret, until now) Imagine they are the neighbour’s kids and not mine. I, obviously, cannot scream at them as much but it helps me calm down. All it does is that it allows me to calm down and listen to my kids’ point of view without reacting.

Of course, I am miles away from being a perfect parent (not sure if this really does exist or is just a myth!). But I am making efforts and taking it one day at a time!

What do you think?

Picture credits: Still from Bounvita Lil Champs ad on YouTube

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