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I Changed Everything About Me After My Marriage Yet My Journey Holds No Truth Or Importance

Posted: August 20, 2020

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I feel lost, isolated, and numb. It’s like a rollercoaster – sad one minute, blank the next minute. And I feel like it’s a curse to be born a woman.

“My mother folded hands in front of you on our wedding and my father asked you to forgive my mistakes, that’s when I failed.”

The more you allow yourself to be abused, there are parts of the brain are conditioned to it. It is similar to tolerance to alcohol. Once addicted, any amount is less. The suffering behind trauma is inexpressible.

I feel lost, isolated, and numb. It’s like a rollercoaster – sad one minute, blank the next minute, like I’m always on the go. I feel like it’s a curse to be born a woman. If you’re unmarried, there seems to be an invisible chain around you. This chain is a woman’s keep-in-check-boundary. 

If I have to go out, I have to ask. I have to explain if I wear a certain dress. If I speak up, I have to mellow my words down. I am an educated woman yet I feel tamed.

I changed everything about myself but in vain…

It all comes down to a family and their happiness. My journey holds no truth. Education has no barrier but no one taught me, education does not affect diplomacy.

It is like I have an unsaid rule set by my parents and this society, I can only talk about what is suitable to the men of this country. And it is after you’re married, you realize women too belong to patriarchy.

I gave up my name, I changed my house, I changed my bedsheets. It took me years to accept the changed taste of my food, and the new colours of my room. If this wasn’t enough, I changed my best friend from my mother to an empty wall.

I’m not happy because I’m so confused. We’re fighting for an equal world, we’re still thinking women will adjust to this too!

I am confident in myself but I lack trust in this society. Mostly, anything I say or do is unacceptable. I mean, it is understandable, the society I grew up in accepts rape threats to women and there is room for domestic violence. Here women are considered someone’s responsibilities, or liabilities and someone has to look after – either her father, her husband or her children.

Maybe one day, I will be free…

What I never imagined was that womanhood is all about being submissive. All I want is to scream and shout, cry and curse. I haven’t been a version of myself – unable to manage my emotions in the process of pleasing you!

We are born to be abused in every domain. I am trained to cook, clean, and care. But, I am not ready to be cared for. Maybe if you look beyond, sex objects don’t have feelings. But unfortunately, I do.

From the word woman comes man, yet the world still questions, woman who? 

Every visit that I leave my parents home, I tell myself, one day I’ll walk free, neither a daughter nor a wife, just a woman!

A version of this was first published here.

Picture credits: Still from Bollywood film The Lunchbox

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