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Ever since I received my appointment letter, I knew this job was not for me. But I could not quit as life happened. And now I’ve taken the leap…
The one thing that is certain about life in general is the uncertainty of life. It is strange how we walk through it, knowing this, and yet completely certain of our individual paths.
I am a pathological reader and there have been many books, many stories that I have read where the protagonist wakes up one morning and decides to change. I have realized more recently that what the author wishes to convey here is not that important decisions are to be made early in the morning. What it signifies is that you will find that your sun rises the moment you decide to wake up.
I recently quit my white collar, college graduate, perfectly respectable and equally perfectly mediocre 9 to 5 job. I deliberated over the resignation for days on end.
Is this the right decision? Is this the right time?
I was surrounded by a veritable crowd of “what ifs” for almost a week before I could reach my decision. It’s difficult to see clearly when you see your decisions and your life through the eyes of ‘satisfactory’.
The one thing I have realized over 5 years of professional ‘big-pharma’ experience is that I have never once been happy with the kind of work I was doing. I was satisfied, oh yes, I was; which is somehow even worse than not being happy. Being satisfied gives us a false sense of security. A comfort zone of mediocrity. I wanted to get out.
Ever since the time I received my first appointment letter, I knew this was not for me. But I could not. Things happened or should I say life happened. One thing led to another and I sat in my mediocre satisfactory life and I festered. This is not to say that I did not derive any pleasure from it at all. I did. Otherwise it would not have been possible to stay for so long. I was earning for myself; I was “independent”, I was appreciated for my diligent work attitude by my colleagues. I had enough free time to pursue other likes, such as reading and writing. It was comfortable and warm. Mediocrity has its perks to be sure.
Whenever I thought about quitting, I was enveloped by this deep oppressing fear of being lost. The fear of the unknown. I had my whole adult life ahead of me after all, and I had no idea what would happen. There was no “plan”. Everybody had a plan except for me. I was the only clueless individual amongst a sea of overachieving, extroverted, brilliant and driven people.
I now realize and regret the opportunities that knocked on my door. I shied away from the path that opened in front of me, leading me away from my satisfactory life, and I pulled into myself and refused to see.
It was not the right time. I should get at least this much experience. What use is my degree if I do not do this or achieve that. I should wait.
I waited and waited. I let the roller coaster of my dreams slide on by without me on it, and I curled myself up in a ball and cried myself to sleep and cursed the universe for not presenting these opportunities at the right time. I hurt those who believed in me because I could not believe in myself. I let them down, I let myself down.
Now, I am free. Now that finally, I did not wait and decided to act, all these memories are welling up inside me. All those lost opportunities, all those lost people.
I am trying to accept myself with all my flaws and walking towards a new path. I do not know what is going to happen, but for the first time in forever, I am walking into the unknown with open arms and an open heart. For the first time in forever, I am trying to forgive myself.
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