In This Lockdown I Am Just A Weary Girl, Standing Before My Refrigerator…

Me, I am just a girl, not little enough anymore to hope dinner will cook itself… and these thoughts swirl through my mind.

Me, I am just a girl, not little enough anymore to hope dinner will cook itself… and these thoughts swirl through my mind.

But here I am, weeks into a near total lockdown, and a few months since life changed forever, staring at the fridge wondering if life will ever be the same again.
.
On a day, when none of us has anywhere to go, when each day is the same; there is no doorbell that will ring; no activity to structure my routine around; how can I possibly be unable to handle the few choices the bare shelves throw up? But I am – unable to decide. I realize it’s not the food, it’s the turmoil in my mind.

The uncertainties around which we stoically try to build our routines weigh on me; as I wonder:-

Will today be spent reading and researching on my laptop;
Or will the companion for the day be my mop?
Will my gourmet creation be worth a picture;
Or will the vegetables in maggi be my redeeming feature?
Will we follow the schedule for each activity;
Or will the day pass with no productivity?
When I finally venture to buy many a vegetable
Will I change out of pajamas into something respectable?
Will the laundry forever continue to pile,
Or will I get around to folding them in a while?

The gamut of feelings, some of which surface unexpectedly, threaten to overwhelm me, and without warning, the roller coaster of emotions takes off. Like a giant spinning wheel, who knows where it will stop; and which chord it will strike deep within

Is today the day for anger?
Or will grief find center?
Maybe again disbelief will override
Or with anxiety I will be beside?
Will I feel a fear intense ; like never before?
Can I ever, stop being so unsure?
Will I wonder if this isolation ever end
And humanity begin to mend?
Will it always be so intense, this pain,
Or will things be simple ever again?
As I say the daily prayer,
For my loved ones everywhere
I hope gratitude will make way into my heart
And perhaps faith will do its part
enough to give hope,
and the strength to cope
Despite this awareness of vulnerability,
Can I search for stability?
Rise above this despair
And for a different tomorrow prepare?

Suddenly, as the giant spinning wheel continues its spin, all myriad colours merge, first into the rainbow, and then a gleam of white; I am suddenly little again.

Little, compared with the universe and its churnings;
Miniscule in front of the world’s proceedings
Petty in the larger scheme of things,
Oblivious to how life swings;

Never miss real stories from India's women.

Register Now

And I realize, it is the wheel that given me the answer.

Whatever feeling I select; whichever question chooses me; and whatever thought finds home in my mind today; all are part of the whole; each is mine to embrace.

The wheel will keep spinning; and we must also not give up; soldiering on with grace, humility and belief.

We shall overcome.

Liked this post?

Join the 100000 women at Women's Web who get our weekly mailer and never miss out on our events, contests & best reads - you can also start sharing your own ideas and experiences with thousands of other women here!

Comments

About the Author

shalini mullick

Shalini is an author and a practicing doctor specializing in respiratory pathology. Her book Stars from the Borderless Sea (2022) was longlisted for the AutHer Awards 2023 (Debut category). Shalini was awarded a Jury Appreciation read more...

40 Posts | 85,209 Views

Stay updated with our Weekly Newsletter or Daily Summary - or both!

""
All Categories