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He devoured her body like something he ‘owned’ and vandalised not only the physical part of her identity, but also the emotional part…
*Trigger alert: marital rape, domestic violence, BDSM without consent
The night had been nothing but a struggle for her. The breathlessness, the anxiety, the acute pain in the chest just made matters worse and elongated the already long night even further.
Meera checked the time (the fifth time in the last seven minutes!).
She put her phone back, closed her eyes tight and prayed to the Gods available at this time of the night to help her in sleeping. The tossing and turning continued but sleep refused to oblige.
Again she picked up her phone to see how much time had passed.
Meera gave a small, silent laugh and once again set her phone back on the side table. Ultimately she gave up trying to sleep and instead opened her eyes wide and began to wonder about yesterday and tomorrow…a place between where her life had somehow got stuck.
Not even a month into the marriage and she had given up all hopes of ever living a normal, happy married life…something that she had believed that she deserved. But her fate had decided otherwise. Every day she would wake up with the hope that today destiny would be on her side, but as the day progressed, the only thing that would be on her side would be misery and sadness.
It all began in the first week after marriage itself, during their honeymoon. She had been extremely excited because they had not got a chance to come close during the first three days after the wedding, and the fourth day morning they left for an eight day trip to Goa. Meera had even made a list of the places that they would be seeing and very tediously worked out the schedule for the whole week for them with great enthusiasm.
The first evening however, Meera and Varun spent in the room, getting comfortable and cozy with one another, having not got a chance back home.
Since it was the first time for Meera, she was not very sure of what to expect, but she knew that what was being offered to her was not something ‘normal’.
It began softly and gently, as she had imagined, but soon the softness was left behind and a strange urgency took its place. The smooth soft caresses were replaced with hardness and the gentle kisses gave way to aggressive nips and bites all over the body.
It was enjoyable in the beginning, as Meera could see him enjoying and relishing her like some chocolate covered cake, and so she accepted his style as a bit ‘different’ and smiled back at his relaxed face looking at her with a broad, contented smile.
With pain poking at several parts of her body, she dismissed the train of negative thoughts coming into her mind and quietly shooed all of them away. Consoling herself with the reasoning that this was the first time, she pulled herself away from her worries and snuggled closer to his sleeping body, still warm with all the love making.
The morning brought with it an elated and frenzied buzz within her, which made her forget the pain from the previous night, marks of which she ignored while taking a bath. Getting dressed and going out with Varun was all she was looking forward to at the moment.
The day seemed to pass by in a matter of minutes and it was already time for them to get back to the hotel. They decided to eat first in a restaurant in the hotel itself and then head upstairs. Meera could already feel the heat rising in him, his eyes giving her silent messages the whole time during dinner. She too felt her heart beating faster than normal and returned each and every message of his with her cute smile.
Varun couldn’t even wait for the door to close and pulled Meera tightly in his arms as soon as she unlocked the door. She too put her arms around him, silently telling him that she was as ready as he was. The smiles on their faces were more than enough for both of them to know what the other was feeling and without wasting any time, they rushed straight to the bed.
Two hours later, Meera got up from the bed and with a little difficulty, walked to the washroom. She splashed some water on her face and stood near the basin staring at her reflection in the mirror. She tried to smile at herself, but the ache in her eyes made it impossible. Like yesterday, today also he started out gently, but within a few seconds a certain fierceness took hold of him which was even more ferocious than yesterday. Varun enjoyed every moment thoroughly, absolutely engrossed in whatever he was doing that he completely missed the painful ‘hisses’ and ‘ouches’ that involuntarily came out of Meera’s mouth. She tried very hard to stay quiet but the agony became a little too much to bear.
The same train of thoughts as the previous night came into her mind, but yet again she moved them aside. She told herself that since it was all new for them, both would take a little time to get used to it. However seeing him lying on the bed satisfied and fast asleep, Meera realised he was hardly ‘adjusting’ to what she wanted.
The eight days zoomed by, and all Meera was taking back were the little signs of their heated sessions on the various parts of her body, essentially her chest and back, and a shooting pain in the other body parts. The remaining nights had been similar to the first two, the only difference being that the ferocity increased with each time, and sometimes even twice!
Varun hardly tried to make it comfortable for her and neither had he bothered to ask her whether she was enjoying or not. She got engulfed in the physical pain to such an extent that mentally she got withdrawn from him and became silent with each passing day, hardly enjoying the time being spent together. He, on the other hand, either did not notice his wife’s pain, or chose to completely ignore it.
After reaching back home, Meera tried to put behind whatever had happened and decided to give things a second chance. She even tried to uplift her mood herself, and determined that the next time she would make sure to bring him down to her pace and liking.
Once again she prepared herself for the night, and with a warm smile, walked into his open arms lovingly. But by the end of the hour, she realised that she was wrong. She had no control over him while he was in action and therefore would have to adhere to his ‘rules’ and ‘likings’ silently.
Otherwise a very silent and a ‘no nonsense’ man, Varun would take care of Meera and all her needs like any other husband would; during the day he would be like an extremely normal person, behaving in the most normal way, but, as the night would approach, he would be so overpowered by his senses and needs that nothing else would matter to him anymore!
Meera on the other hand had lost her cheerful charm and would constantly be under the shadows of the previous nights the whole day. She felt as though an invisible wall had been constructed between them, which was lifted only during the night, when an overwhelming uneasiness would take hold of her, and literally crush her to pieces.
More than a week had passed by since they had returned, but Meera still had not acquired the courage to confront Varun and try to explain to him the difficulties that she had been facing. However the discomfort and suffering of every single night was certainly becoming inconceivably antagonising for her now.
One evening, while out for dinner with friends, Meera saw him in a completely jolly and pleasant mood, absolutely opposite to his actual nature, and suddenly realised that this could be the perfect night to talk to him about her problem. Mustering courage, she took advantage of his happy side and when finally in bed, she opened her heart to him and confessed whatever she had ever wanted to tell him and share with him.
With extreme patience Varun sat beside her and listened to all she had to say, but his expression made it evident to Meera that her words had fallen on deaf ears. In fact what happened after that makes her shudder to even think about today…
Without a single word he just dragged her down below him, and began to ravage her body like a vulture feasting on the carcass of a dead animal! The nips and bites increased, and were also joined by a few slaps here and there, mostly whenever she tried to open her mouth to object or push him away. He devoured her body like something he ‘owned’ and vandalised not only the physical part of her identity, but also the emotional part…not once, not twice, but thrice…each time being more savage than the last.
She finally comprehended that she was not against a husband who was concerned about her feelings, but she was against a man who wanted nothing but pure physical ecstasy in the most brutal and barbaric way possible.
She was desperately in need of help but looking around she found no one whom she could approach with her problem. Her parents and in laws, both lived in other towns. He had no siblings who could be a source of help to her in this hour, and her sister was too small for providing any solution to this problem of hers. Besides, she thought, what would she tell them? That her husband wanted to have sex with his wife in his own ‘different’ style!! How could she tell them about the marks that were all over her vital parts?
Gathering enough strength, even if she opened up to them and showed them the real scene taking place behind her closed bedroom door, how would she ever show them the bruises that had made a permanent place in her heart? Will she ever be able to make them feel the agony of his ‘love making’ in her body that she dreaded spending even a minute with him alone? Would they ever understand the agitation and distress inside her that had risen to the extent of damaging her soul and ripping it into shreds??
Finally, when things became unbearable for her (he was his normal self the next morning after the assault, behaving as if nothing had happened) she dared to speak to one of her friends in the same city, who advised her to leave immediately and file for a divorce. Meera had not wanted to do that but instead wanted to solve the problem between them, therefore leaving him had never occurred to her earlier. But after the savagery on her, Meera couldn’t wait to run away. She would have to be very careful because she wasn’t sure what his reaction would be if he found out about her intentions!! She shivered at the mere thought of what would happen if she failed to run away and got caught by him while doing so!!!
Shaking these thoughts away from her mind, she decided to leave the house the next morning itself, as soon as he would leave for office. But it seemed that the Gods had conspired against her and snatched that opportunity from her, when he announced that due to the spread of Corona virus in the country, his office had declared ‘work from home’ schedule for all it’s employees.
Meera stood silently in front of him like a statue, not believing a single word that he had said (deeply engrossed in the disturbances of her own life, she hardly had any idea about what was going on around the world), and now when she had been faced with the reality, she found it very difficult to swallow it.
Now what she would do? With Varun being home 24 hours with her, her chances of survival would come down to a bare minimum, let alone her chances of running away.
Finding a moment late that night, after Varun had fallen asleep, Meera called her friend and cried to her about her new problem. She managed to console Meera and told her to just leave the house whenever she could and reach the airport in any way she could. In that way she could just buy a ticket for any flight and leave the city even before Varun woke up. Meera agreed that this was a good idea and decided that this time of the night would be the best time to leave, when Varun would be fast asleep. She would have to use this time tomorrow to give action to her plan.
However the next morning it was announced that all airport and train services had been shut down till further notice!
Meera spent half the day crying at her misfortune. Now all she could see in front of her was nothing but darkness. She took a deep breath, and decided to accept whatever was happening as a sign of God, telling her to stay and not fight her destiny.
The weekend passed by at it’s slow crawling pace, giving Meera the glimpse of the upcoming days of her life. She felt herself slipping into depression, and she had completely stopped talking to anyone altogether, not knowing what to talk to anyone about, other than her problem! Thus she thought it best to stay in her cocoon of silence and misery.
However her friend didn’t give up on her. She kept calling Meera every day, even if she didn’t pick up. On Tuesday, when Varun had gone to his office for an hour to submit some important papers, she called again and this time Meera took her call. After listening to what she said, Meera felt her heart beat rising and a strange glow began to fill her dull, gloomy heart with hope.
“Find an opportunity and come to my house Meera,” her friend had told her. “I’ve spoken to my husband and he has said that till you are unable to fly out of the city, you can come and stay with us! Just try and leave the house whenever you can.”
Meera felt herself smile after ages. She felt she would literally fly with joy and happiness!! She determined that she would leave today in the night itself, not wanting to waste even a day’s time because of anything.
She packed for herself a small bag with only her essentials, that would be easy for her to carry, making sure to keep it out of Varun’s sight. Getting the first chance she would leave the house, and never look back.
The day seemed to pass by with a little ease, and Meera felt lighter after a long time. But the happiness didn’t last for long. The evening brought with it another major jolt for Meera which hit her so hard that it became almost impossible for her to rise again, emotionally and mentally!!
The Prime Minister just announced that the entire country would now be completely locked down for the next 21 days!
With a stunned expression, she just sat there gaping at the television screen. Finally, all hopes that had dared to build up inside her heart hid somewhere so deep that she didn’t know if she would ever find it again. The fluttering euphoria and budding delight of her heart also left her soul, bidding their good byes to her forever.
Her last chance to freedom had also been wrenched away from her, leaving her swimming in the pool of sorrow and bleaky dismay. When she would be able to leave from here was a big question standing straight in front of her, the answer to which was nowhere near found! And when it would be the time for her to leave… will she even be alive?
Every night she would suffer with silence the atrocities of the animal who was her husband, while every day she would wish for death to come and free her of her miserable life.
Author’s note: This is not a true story, but just the thought that someone near us could be suffering in a similar way made my heart squirm with pain. My heart goes out to all the women who are going through similar conditions in their life and have no where to go to in these extreme times.
First published here.
Image source: pixabay
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