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5 Things Nobody Tells You About Your Grief When You Lose Your Parent

Posted: May 20, 2020
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When you lose your parent, it leaves a huge hole in your life. But you have to deal with your grief. Here’s what you should know.

It’s difficult to try and articulate how it feels to lose parent, however the key thing to remember is there is no one way of responding. It hasn’t been just one feeling since my dad passed away recently, and my experience has been more like travelling the world.

Each stage of your journey will be completely different, and as you wander through your grief, emotions come and go.

It’s a difficult journey

It’s when you lose someone, that you really understand their value, and my father was everything for me. Life is tough, and when it’s your father you lose, who gave you all your support and everything, it can destroy you.

It’s been 11 months since my dad passed on. I was 23 turning 24. I’ve experienced a hard time; the shock, the pity, the guilt, the blame, the paralyzed feeling, and in the long run an acknowledgment of loss.

From this experience, I have jotted down a few things that many people might not think of, to say to you in case of the loss of a parent.

When you lose a parent it feels like your life has self-destructed and your self esteem is no more and you are made up for lost time in a tornado, yet you do in the end recover your feet on the ground, I promise. The pain doesn’t go away, you learn to accept it. And slowly you understand what grieve is all about and how painful it is.

Here are 5 things nobody tells you about losing a parent.

It doesn’t soak in for some time

At first you probably won’t feel anything. It might even appear as though you are stuck in a dream, and in the end that what is going on isn’t generally occurring.

I certainly experienced the first month on autopilot, yet in the long run everything catches up with you and you begin to feel less numb. At first you simply cannot confront the possibility of carrying on with your existence without them, and the path for some individuals to adapt is to imagine that this isn’t occurring.

Standing up to and tolerating the torment is frightening, however you have to do it to begin the grieving procedure.

You don’t have to be strong all the time

When my father died, I tried hard to be strong for my mum and my elder sister, and to show everybody how resilient and tough I was. But you can fake it for only so long.

Pushing the pain below the surface so no one can see it is exhausting. It’s completely okay to lose your composure, to have outbursts of emotion in public or privately at home, or to completely fall apart. We take a lot of strength from our parents, so when you lose one of them, it’s devastating.

After a month or so, other people won’t really care

People forget you are grieving, they offer condolences in the first few weeks, sure, but not too long after that. They just get on with their lives, and it hurts.

But don’t take it to heart too much. It’s just the way people are. It doesn’t take away from what you are expecting at all.

Simply recall that there are others having similar experiences, and they might get it better. They will be those who genuinely, wholeheartedly get what you are experiencing, and approaching a support group can work.

For other people life goes on, which is cruel and thoughtless, and it will no doubt make you angry. But it’s not because they don’t understand. They haven’t been through such a devastating loss. I still suffer, but my close friends don’t really see it. They can’t relate to the fact that the pain I feel is still raw as the day it happened.

You will probably feel guilty in some way, but you need to let it go

I’ve gone through the day my father died a thousand times and thought about what I could have done differently.

I wasn’t at home when he was in pain because I was following my dreams. This kills me. But I can’t change it. I know that my dad wouldn’t hold it against me.

I’ve also gone back and punished myself mentally for all the times that I wasn’t the perfect daughter, or when I was mean to my father. My mum, sister and I used to gang up and tease him occasionally because he was the only man in the house. I miss all those days. I used to call him my one and only love of my life.

One thing I learnt was that instead of focusing on what you didn’t do or times where you messed up, remember the times you made your parents proud or happy.

You’ll eventually view your grief with love and appreciation

I’m not going to lie. Like I mentioned, at times, the pain is just as raw as it’s ever been, but generally, I’ve entered a new stage of my grief.

When I’m reminded of my dad, I use it as a chance to treasure his memory, and sometime in the future, regardless of whether it doesn’t feel like it, you will probably do likewise. Now I live my everyday life, and my father is there no matter what I’m doing, and I’m grateful he touched my life in such a powerful and beautiful way.

When I lost all my pillars of strength I made myself a pillar!

Image source: pixabay

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