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Feeling down and out? What if you received a letter from the smarter you who knows it will all be fine?
Feeling down and out today? Me too. It’s been a tough couple of months. What with all this fussing, wrangling, this relentless cycle of stress? It’s been really hard, hasn’t it?
Now when you sit down tired and torn, you feel the injustice of it all. It was never meant to be perfect for you. And had it been, the shiny bow tied perfect, would you have taken it? I think not.
You had that knack of turning the perfect into imperfect. You wanted a whirlwind. And now that you are standing in the literal eye of the storm, the whirlwinds don’t seem to cease. Didn’t someone tell you? Careful what you wish for!
Today, you feel this is the end of your line. There seems to be no way ahead. It’s like a waterlogged street in your city. There is no way you can glide past it without a stain. Then why tip toe around it, why not jump? But then you are planned and meticulous, aren’t you? You measure each step ahead and calculate every action. You won’t jump unless you absolutely have to.
You remember how mom used to say, that failures come only to test your strength? Why can’t failures test you now? You never shied away from rejection. Then what changed? The hurt has started hurting a little too much? Or has the ego occupied too much mind space?
Or is it that too many people know too much about you now? Something that you always struggled with. Is that why things seem to unravel so soon? Do the extremes of emotions felt for you, scare you now? The extreme hate or the extreme love? You never had an in-between.
Sometimes it is the monotony, sometimes the job, sometimes love and sometimes blurry lines of passion. I see you scuttling, hiding, flinching and running. Intimacy intimidates you. Labels repel you. Acknowledgement puts you squarely under the peer scale of recognition. And you hate that! You hate it so much that you squander it, gamble it all away in a dusty casino moored in the shallow waters of a distant coastal town. You’re lost. Lost in your what ifs.
The one you loved is long gone. Yet, in agonizing pain you keep calling that line. The one who is tempered in shadows now, challenges your basics of good and bad. You dodge the bullet but your mind wanders back to it, in the long hours of the night.
You think you are shallow, occupied, tied down to so many tabs yet what would you not give to fly around the expanse of half the planet, and be present to the moment they open their eyes. You torture your soul and in turn, the soul searching haunts you to the moon and back.
Write it down, like I am writing to you now. Write down your jibber jabber and let the pages be witness to the errors in judgement. Oh, there have been so many! Write it down, so that when you are old and happy, pulling out this wrinkled copy from your store, you smile for that split second, when you remember how I told you so! For this is not the end. This is just that. The somewhere between the beginning and the changing of a paragraph. It’s just a pause.
And pause you will for a bit. And then just like that, it’ll be gone. This, like so much more, shall pass. You just have to believe, when I say, hang in there.
The smarter You
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Manojita loves to write alongside her regular 9-5. Flair for language, poetry, art etc
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