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I always saw him as someone who would complete me, always thought of him as my need, and felt my existence questionable in his absence.
“Love completes you”.
“Love takes you to new heights”.
“Love is heaven.”
These are usual lines that I have heard while growing up, while watching movies, listening to songs. It created altogether a romantic world around me, where even I dreamt of a Prince Charming, who would come and free me of all ‘miseries’ and ‘darkness’.
I remember when I first fell in love. Though I had dated before, now I knew that he was the one; his first look shook me. I was breathless and passionately falling for him. He was my stars and sky, my sun and moon. It was such a romantic situation that his presence was my day and night, his smile was my breathtaking moment and even his thought gave me goosebumps.
Sadly, it still is so.
His existence was enough for me, and I can spend my entire life writing and singing about him. However, I was not fortunate enough and lost him. Lost him in despair. I would avoid writing about losing him and how we got separated, for the sake of my imaginary love life that I like to think about, even now.
However, what kills me is that he did not understand the intensity of my love for him. He did not understand himself being my best poem that I was fond of writing always. He did not understand that he was the only song that I wanted to sing. He did not understand that he was the reflection of my image in the mirror. He never tried to understand that his smile was my best blood regulator, for sure.
Accepting the fact that I was not the one for him broke me up, almost devastated me. I started struggling with depression so much that it made me forget my existence. Not that I was broken because he failed to be with me, but that he never understood the depth of my feelings for him. I still feel it and this feeling would take a good time to go. It still shatters me thinking that one of us would die one day and he would still never understand.
Acceptance is difficult but not impossible. Struggling with serious depression, I started questioning myself, if I really deserve it. Because this battle started taking toll over my psychological and physical health.
What was I depressed for? This question pinched me everytime I cried and could not sleep for weeks. It was almost like one of my personalities asking another, is this what I deserve? Is this what love is for? I kept meeting a lot of people, showcasing that I was amazingly happy believing ‘fake it till you make it’.
Fortunately, after months of inner trauma and self interrogation, answers to my questions started hitting me. Realisation started happening; slowly I understood that I was depressed because I had low self-esteem and I was underconfident. I always saw him as someone who would complete me, always thought of him as my need, and felt my existence questionable in his absence.
In the midst of this romantic chaos, I was forgetting something substantial, that is to prioritize myself. I never asked myself why I felt incomplete, never tried being confident about my individual existence. This realisation was sufficient to churn me out of depression, it made me think and smile. It made me believe in myself and my life.
Now that I know what was I lacking, I started changing my outlook. Now I know that it is high time to prioritize myself and ask everyone to do the same. Now, I know that the love that I was showering on him was a part of my love for myself. I was pouring out love for him from my container of Love. I could have showered all of love on myself but I chose him, I chose him to be a part of my Love, my story and my Life. I loved him, honestly, patiently and passionately. But he took it for granted, he disgraced it, disrespected it. It is unfortunate for him that he did not understand the honest and true being of my love for him, hence lost it.
Now, I am aware that if I remain depressed, I will still be losing my love, in vain, when I can love myself completely. It is time to complete myself, to give myself what I had desired from him. The intensity I felt for him can be felt for myself too. It is unfortunate for him that he lost something pure and precious – Love. Now I know that he doesn’t deserve that intensity of my love, love that is as limitless as the sky and deep like the ocean. Now, I will give all that love to myself, till I find someone really deserving of my love and worthy to be part of my Life.
Published here earlier.
Image source: Noor
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