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The Great Indian Damaad: Why Is The Son-In-Law Looked Upon As Royalty In India?

Posted: October 20, 2015

The Great Indian Damaad or son-in-law is always placed on a pedestal, with the dictum “damaad khush to beti khush (if the son-in-law is happy, the daughter is happy).” What about “bahu kush tho beta kush (if the daughter-in-law is happy, the son stays happy)?”

If there is one person in this wide world who enjoys utmost royalty, it is the Great Indian Damaad (son-in-law). So revered and honoured is he that often, a girl’s parents would go to any extent to keep him happy. It is as though the Good Lord Himself has entered their family and wed their daughter.

Saroj, my laundry lady, was no exception to this rule and one day, seemed unusually anxious. Didi paanch hazaar rupaye chahiye,” she said. She wanted Rs. 5000. My eyes popped open for a moment. Not that I had issues with extending the loan, but the amount seemed large for a daily wage earner like Saroj. In a city like Delhi, with high costs of living, it would probably take her months to repay me. “My damaad and beti (daughter) are coming from Itarsi (a town in the state of Madhya Pradesh, India) during the Navratri festival. I have to prepare a feast for them and also get a new sari for my daughter, a suit piece and a gold plated wrist watch for my damaad. We can’t send our damaad empty-handed. Damaad kush tho beti kush (if the son-in-law is happy, the daughter stays happy),” she said with glee.

My eyes popped open. Of course, gifting your loved ones is indeed a good gesture, but stretching it beyond one’s financial capability was something I failed to understand. As I handed Saroj ten crisp Rs. 500 notes, I casually mentioned, “I am sure you must be getting something for your newly wedded son and daughter-in-law too.” Saroj was quick to snap back, “Arre, who tho bahu he, usko thode hi dete he. (She is just a daughter in law, why should she be given?)” I wondered in my heart, why is the same loving gesture of gifting and pampering not extended to the daughter-in-law of the family? What about “bahu kush tho beta kush (if the daughter-in-law is happy, the son stays happy)?” Why didn’t this logic apply?

I brushed these thoughts aside, thinking that probably such practices were common among the economically weaker sections of the society, where the women are seldom financially empowered and need to be dependent entirely on their husbands. I was almost sure this would not be the case in educated families, where equality would prevail in relationships. But I soon realised how wrong I was.

I bumped into my next door neighbour Mr. Mehta at the local grocery store. He was pushing two overloaded carts and seemed ready to strike a conversation. “Priya and Alexandro are coming this Sunday,” he said brimming over with excitement. Mr. Mehta’s daughter Priya had recently wed Alexandro Gubbini, an Italian college professor. After a lavish County wedding, she moved to London with him, settling down into matrimony. “This is my Italian damaad’s first visit and we want to make sure he feels at home. The feast would include all his favourite Italian dishes so that he feels special.” I casually asked Mr. Mehta if any Indian dish would be served to his firangi damaadji. “Oh no, what if he doesn’t like it? How could we upset our damaadji? It is our Indian tradition to treat our damaad with utmost care and pamper him with all that he likes.”

I nodded and walked towards the billing counter. My thoughts wandered to the conversations I had often had with Nita on multiple occasions. She was the daughter-in-law of the Mehta household. Being of the same age, we often went for long walks together in our colony, sharing tidbits from our daily lives. On many an occasion, Nita had expressed her feelings of displeasure at how she was expected by her in-laws to change her tastes, lifestyle and dressing habits as per her sasural (the in-laws’ home). After all, she had moved into their family and was expected to eat, sit and move the way they did.

I wondered why there really wasn’t an Indian Tradition to treat the daughter-in-law with care. Did Mr. Mehta put in effort to make his Nita feel comfortable in her initial days of marriage? Did he ensure her favourite dishes were prepared so that she felt at home? Why was she expected to change her habits to suit their needs?

I wondered why there really wasn’t an Indian Tradition to treat the daughter-in-law with care. Did Mr. Mehta put in effort to make his Nita feel comfortable in her initial days of marriage? Did he ensure her favourite dishes were prepared so that she felt at home? Why was she expected to change her habits to suit their needs?

Itarsi or Italy, the Indian damaad surely enjoys a privileged treatment in comparison to the humble bahus. This is common in almost all households where the damaad is place on a pedestal high up, a place where a daughter-in-law never reaches. I wonder why?

Image via Shutterstock.

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  1. Had a lovely time reading this wonderful article of yours Ramya! Felt as if you have articulated my inert feelings too.

  2. Fine…..agreed. But how many women, who are married or not, and who read this are able to reinforce this idea to the other family members. Be it the parents, husband, in-laws or sisters and brothers. We always want to be in the good books of others, and are scared to speak things which we feel is righteous. I am not asking people to be at arms with close ones. But with tact and diplomacy, message can be conveyed and consistently sticking to your words in action will make people understand the value of truth.

    For example…women who are married, can ask her parents to share whatever is being prepared at home when they visit them, instead of siding with the husband and collecting the gifts given by her parents. Surely, an accustomed husband, might comment mildly or criticise severely about the girls’ parents. But if the woman helps him understand that just like his parents, her parents are also ageing, and that the youngsters (i.e. she and her husband), need to respect them and expect only love and not ‘RICHES’. If material comforts = happy marriage, then it is ‘business’ and not ‘bonding’.

    Please begin at home, we will definitely see the change in the outside world.
    Thanks Ramya, for identifying a very important aspect which reflects societal treatment of women. Do write more…..

    • You are right. But there are exceptions among sons in law too. My maternal grandfather was blessed with a son in law who refused to be pampered and also took it on himself to give gift to his in laws when he visited them and that was 80 years ago. My comments are not getting posted. Trying my luck for the last time.

    • Very well written Ramya. And Chintu.. you are correct. Daughters have to make sure that parents are not stretched, trying to gift the relatives… Parents do too much to ensure the safety and happiness of their daughter. Daughters are young, well educated, and with jobs. It is our duty to make sure that the parents are not stretched. At this age, if you keep sideline our (daughters) parents and take the sacrifices they make for granted, our children will definitely do the same to us.

    • There are son in laws who would say your parents doesn’t value me, don’t treat me well, and make a fuss out of it. There are son in laws who expect their entire family, sister’s family is treated royally by wife and her parents!

  3. I liked this one. very well written. I loved the line ‘bahu kush tho beta khush’. I think this should be shared ahead for awareness.
    Girl’s parents’ see their daughters not very often and when they see her, they just want to make sure that she is treated well at her house. With this, I am with you that these shouldn’t be entertained as well but they are parents and the food they prepare is basically for the love to their daughter. As far as the bahu is concerned, in-laws need to be reminded that when they fall sick or anything bad happens to them, it is the bahu who is supposed to look after them. They will be looked after the way they keep her.

  4. Certainly there are double standards for damads and bahus in our society. A mom or father In law can’t say anything to damad but they can say a lot of things directly or indirectly to daughter in law. We always teach our daughters to behave well in sasuraal but how many of us teach our sons the same thing?

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