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We live in times where we share everything, but shy away from getting in touch with our emotions. Out of loneliness, I discovered truth and happiness, says this post.
Over the last three years, I feel amazed at how much I have grown as a person. I feel glad today to have the privilege of taking some time off my professional commitments with devotion towards my healing processes.
As wise and profound as that may sound, I am only twenty-six years old. My journey of self-discovery and personal healing started after a period of intense loneliness that I experienced in a foreign country, where I was then pursuing a Master’s degree. I had many friends who I “hung-out” with but I never felt like I had the one true friend I could turn to if something went seriously wrong in that foreign land.
I had many people I thought I knew, but slowly it dawned upon me that they were all well-guarded; revealing only what they ought to reveal. I missed a connection of vulnerability and authenticity. I missed having someone deeply and genuinely interested in who I was. I saw many superficial and empty relationships flourish around me, and it made me feel hopeless for myself.
The overachiever that I was, I took my usual recourse and began immersing myself in my studies, more and more. I hid behind the armour of “busyness” and strength to avoid dealing with these “negative” feelings that were arising within me, and perhaps, trying to say something important to me.
As unreal as it may sound, I just woke up one morning feeling the compelling need that something had to change, that I could not go on this way…
As unreal as it may sound, I just woke up one morning feeling the compelling need that something had to change, that I could not go on this way… that I was too lovely to feel alone and feel like such a repressed version of my fantastic true self. It was then that I began to read on emotional wellness, and my own little personal revolution began.
I picked up every single book on Amazon that wrote about emotional healing, about suppressed living, and avoidance of our true selves. I found amazing meditation practices on Youtube, on the internet, and started to just sit alone with myself and thoughts. It felt really scary. So much pain and unexpected emotional stuff came up!
Having lived just twenty-six years of this beautiful life, I felt amazed at how many memories and little episodes my brain had stored and how many little sub-conscious triggers from childhood were still driving my life today – without me ever having spoken about them. Once, during a meditation session, I remember vividly having the image of my class teacher screaming at me in a loud and condescending voice. I was in standard six then. It is not surprising that even today I feel sensitive to anyone yelling at me. It makes my insides cringe.
It felt so liberating! I felt as though for once, I could see myself for who I truly am…
However, just giving my inner self time, and opening my emotional world bare before my own eyes, helped me look objectively at my fears, my sub-conscious drivers, my limiting beliefs, and my sometimes unreasonable emotions at some things. It felt so liberating! I felt as though for once, I could see myself for who I truly am – addressing those negative emotions that were always screaming for my attention/healing/love, and who I had been avoiding and suppressing all this time.
It felt really good to just own up to these emotions – even if they were not perfect, even if they were negative. By doing this, I felt whole again. Slowly, the shame dissolved, and love and endearment came up within me towards my soft, sensitive, and sometimes needy and weak parts.
My love for the “whole me” started to soon show in my life, and all of a sudden, I was surrounding myself with similar people; mature and committed to treating themselves as well as others – with respect, trust, and vulnerability. In an “aha” moment, I realized that a part of not having real friendships and relationships thus far was also about not having shown my full, true self to others.
Connection comes with vulnerability, and vulnerability comes with sharing your true self, both good and bad, not just the good – which somehow we are all taught against, for the fear of looking poorly, dramatic, weak, or just negative. Two years later, I met my husband, and today, I feel blessed to live one of the most fulfilling, passionate, affectionate, and supportive relationships of my life with him as my soul-mate.
In fact, time and again, little girls (and even sensitive men!) are reminded not to be too emotional. To be “cool”.
Most healers, spiritual gurus, and meditation coaches point out the suppression of emotions as one of the key failings of the current generation. In fact, time and again, little girls (and even sensitive men!) are reminded not to be too emotional. To be “cool”. That being emotional is bad, and a sign of weakness. For me, it is completely the opposite. Owning up to your true emotions is a sign of immense strength.
It is much easier to suppress your “bad” parts rather than take ownership of them and show them to the world. That is so much braver, and every person who carries their heart on their sleeves, in today’s world, deserves a pat on their back! One day. when I have kids, I hope I can raise them to treasure and embrace their emotions rather than play cool or play anything except who they truly are.
I feel tired of seeing so many perfect, well-put-together, well-guarded, smart, strong, defensive men and women today. I feel sad for their loneliness. I feel sad that so many of them will perhaps live their whole lives recognizing and displaying only some parts of themselves – their happy parts – while their sad parts will be abandoned somewhere in the closet, screaming for love and acknowledgement.
Perhaps, the biggest breakthrough of this young life of mine and my healing journey is, that we have to be true to ourselves – by embracing both the good and bad in us. In this process, we also meet people who accept the bad in us – and from loneliness, our little world transforms into one of support, mutual affection, and understanding.
My journey still continues. And there are days I still struggle to find what exactly I am feeling and why. But I know I am on the right track, as long as I continue to devotedly engage with myself and my truth.
Pic credit: Image of a lonely woman via Shutterstock.
As a certified love and relationship coach, I help women reconnect with their feminine energy
Aloneness is undoubtedly the most rewarding experience any human being can have!
Yes Jhilam! And once we learn to live with our true selves, everything else around us changes.
Quite a candid piece of work. I could relate to all the negative and bad stuff, good is yet to come I believe.Struggle is on!
Owning up to your own self had been so much easier if people would accept you for who you are.
Hi Divya. Thank you. And I so get you and what you mean with the struggle. I still struggle sometimes, too. Its a life long process and it becomes much easier when we learn to love ourselves and our good and bad parts – with or without the approval of others. when you approve you, everything feels easier.
“As unreal as it may sound, I just woke up one morning feeling the compelling need that something had to change, that I could not go on this way…” I agree as I am at this ‘crossover phase’ in my life at the moment… I, too, am keeping my senses wide open for the day when I could “see myself for who I truly am”…
An inspiring piece of life… thanks for bringing this up… a drop of relief and a ray of light at the end of the tunnel!!
Thank you Manju but I also must confess to you – that “day” is just a moment.. a fleeting moment of decision where you decide to see yourself for who you are, what you stand for and stick to it. It´s a life long process then, of each day, sticking to your guts, your feelings and what´s right for you. I wish you all the luck and send you love.
Hi Samridhi…..Out of loneliness I got to know myself a lot and still knowing. I started loving myself and now its like i need more time for Myself.
Thank you for sharing your experience Himanshu. You sound wonderful.
Yes its true,sometime loneliness helps me to think more deep about our life & future..
I am at the same phase….so can totally relate
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