What Upsets You: Why Putting Things In Perspective Helps

Posted: January 7, 2011

5 years ago, a lot of things used to upset me. An “incorrectly” loaded dishwasher, a snide remark, a relative/friend forgetting to wish us on an important occasion, bad food, irritating company… Then I went through infertility treatment. Faced the possibility of never having another baby to hold. Got pregnant, felt the baby move and got overwhelmed because a dream I had been afraid to dream came true. Then I lost my job, suffered a few side effects of hormone therapy during IVF, faced a few health scares and lost my dad rather unexpectedly.

All these misfortunes put things in perspective for me. I had lost my job but I was lucky we were financially stable enough for me to stay at home for a while and care for my younger daughter who was often falling sick at the daycare. I had hypertension, but at least it had been diagnosed early and was under check. The only event I could not find a positive side for was (and still is) my father’s death. But his death has taught me so much! It taught me how fickle life is. I have my husband and my children today. I could lose one of them tomorrow, or they could lose me. Keeping that in mind, is a correctly loaded dishwasher really that big of a deal? I learned to let go of things, to differentiate what mattered from what didn’t.

Even now some things do bother me. An incorrectly loaded dishwasher still makes my fingers itch to set it straight, but I can control that urge now. A gift that receives no thanks from the receiver still makes me wonder about their manners. Rude and unruly kids still make me grind my teeth and display a fake smile. But these things no longer make me want to express my opinions loud and clear. I have learned to keep a lid on my thoughts and opinions when expressing them isn’t going to accomplish anything except increase my own angst. At the same time, funnily enough, I have learned to speak my mind clearly when it is needed. I don’t hesitate in saying what I believe but I also have learned to say it more kindly and tactfully.

Handling the things that upset you

So what things upset you? And, more importantly, how do you handle them? Here is what I have learned regarding how to handle things that are upsetting.

Give yourself time. When something upsets you, avoid taking an action on it right away . Give yourself time to cool down. Spend a night/day mulling over it. If, after that, you still feel the same way, it means it is something you need to take care of. Most times though, after you cool down it seems unnecessary to create a scene about the event that upset you. The time you spend cooling down puts a perspective on its importance for you.

Distance yourself from the issue. Not physical distance, emotional distance. Try to look at it from the other party’s point of view. Or as a third party. Often, when you try to understand the other person’s point of view, you might realize that you probably played a part in creating the situation as well. Once you find that you were equally or partly responsible for the situation, it will lessen the intensity of your emotions and enable you to see the issue more clearly.

Remember to be polite. No matter what. When a situation gets dirty, it helps to stay polite. I have personally experienced it. But that doesn’t mean you have to bend over backwards to keep peace. There is a difference between being polite and being a pushover. Being polite means not calling names, treating the other party with the same respect you expect for yourself, not being sarcastic… the whole nine yards. Being a pushover is when someone calls you a name and you let them get away with it without making it clear that you won’t tolerate it.

Realize that there are some things you cannot change. In the toughest times of my life, the serenity prayer carried me through. “God, grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”. Knowing the difference makes all the difference. Sometimes you may have to accept something just to keep the peace or for your own peace of mind. I had to accept that my husband cannot (or will not) load the dishwasher the same exact way I do it. Then I had to decide what was more important for me – his help or doing things my way? When I realized that his help made it possible for me to get out of the kitchen 15 minutes sooner, it was easier for me to accept his way of loading the dishwasher.

And, in the end, it didn’t make much of a difference because the dishes didn’t mind being loaded either way!

Pic credit: zubrow (Used under a CC license)

Cee

Cee Kay is a mother of two girls, a networking professional, a cooking enthusiast and

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Comments

24 Comments

Sue - January 8, 2011 at 3:01 pm

I hate it when you talk sense, Cee. It makes it harder for me to justify my own irrationality. 🙁

I really, really, really need to work on the giving it time thing. Thanks for the reminder.

Reply
- Cee Kay - February 8, 2011 at 4:54 am
  
  LOL Sue! It makes ME mad when I can’t justify my own irrationality so I know where you are coming from 😛
dipali taneja - January 8, 2011 at 3:09 pm

Such a well written article, Cee Kay!
I have much to learn from you. Very valid points.

Reply
- Cee Kay - February 8, 2011 at 5:01 am
  
  Surely you are teasing me, Dipali? YOU have much to learn from me?? It is the opposite, actually. But thanks!
Mallika Ganguly - January 8, 2011 at 4:44 pm

Loved the article Cee Kay . It has such unbeatable logic and when you think about it – its entirely doable 🙂

Reply
- Cee Kay - February 8, 2011 at 5:02 am
  
  Thanks Mallika! This means a lot to me.
Tharini - January 8, 2011 at 7:03 pm

Very true Cee. Very true. Stepping back from a situation is the best darn thing there is!

Reply
- Cee Kay - February 8, 2011 at 5:03 am
  
  Thanks Tharini!
Subhashree - January 26, 2011 at 6:53 am

Loved the article Cee. Very true about all the points you’ve made. Thanks for reminding.

Reply
- Cee Kay - February 8, 2011 at 5:04 am
  
  Thanks Subha!
Preeti - February 9, 2011 at 5:42 am

Awesome article Cee… and very apt… I need to practice these points more than anybody else given the short temper and intolerance that I have towards small things like the ones you have mentioned….

Reply
TAJ - July 3, 2014 at 6:16 pm

vry true article as far as i am concerned. I am going through series of same events as you have mentioned in your post. life is becoming difficult to handle. I will not say that life is miserable with respect to other people in my life but my own personal life has been a havoc.

I get bothered and irritated with all minute things which some1 else might not bother. i become mad and start crying for no rhyme and reason.

I was just so very fine till 2009 and then suddenly life got out of control. My health went for a toss( i have had the least junk food in life and was always health consious) and somethngs just went wrong. All things i guess took a toll on me and gradually i am what i am today.

Batteling every single day and doing almost everythng to help me reach my peak that was taken away from me in 2009 so that i can see myself and be happy within.

I guess to retrospect my self and atleast try and follow the advice given by you.

And this is the 1st time ever i m writing on a public forum otherwise i m very much reluctant to write.

I love to write and sketch too.:-)

Reply
- Cee Kay - September 1, 2014 at 12:40 am
  
  I am so very sorry that you are going through difficult times Taj. Hope things get better fast. Thanks for taking the time to comment on my post.
shaivi - August 31, 2014 at 8:16 pm

Loved the post….true sometimes perspective makes all the difference. But the problems surrounding us engulf us into such a whirlpool that it becomes tough to think logically. Hope ur tips help!

Reply
- Cee Kay - September 1, 2014 at 12:42 am
  
  Thanks Shaivi. You are right – sometimes it gets very difficult to gain perspective. We can only try!
Jessie - August 31, 2014 at 10:57 pm

Great post and it have me so much peace to know that I am not alone to feel this way….

Reply
- Cee Kay - September 1, 2014 at 12:42 am
  
  Jessie, heh. No Way! You are not alone 🙂
Vandana hazra - January 15, 2016 at 1:16 pm

Nicely written article..especially the part about seeing situation from the other person’s point of view.. Ido that most times..
Helps a lot!

Reply
Preeti Krishnan - March 9, 2018 at 8:06 pm

Gratefulness is one lesson we all need to imbibe in us! Loved ur article ! Loved the way u connect the dishwasher with things in life! I too felt deep loss after losing my grandmother … Good work!!

Reply
- Cee Kay - April 25, 2018 at 12:00 am
  
  Sorry for your loss, Preeti. Thanks for leaving a comment.
parwatisingari - April 19, 2018 at 4:39 pm

pick up the phone and talk to me.

Reply
- Cee Kay - April 25, 2018 at 12:01 am
  
  Sure thing! Leave me your number and I will. Always willing to lend a listening ear.
Rishma - June 8, 2018 at 6:29 pm

Good write-up Cee Kay! Sure is helpful! Thanks!!

Reply
Anupama Venkatesh - December 10, 2018 at 3:57 am

Good one, Cee!

Reply