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In times of need or distress, a parent says she would prefer to seek help from a daughter rather than a daughter-in-law. Is this a universal feeling?
Just the other day, a simple comment made me sit up and think…am I not as impartial as I think myself to be? What was so different about this one sentence? It got me thinking and I still am not sure what mattered the most – her comment or that it affected me both as a daughter and a daughter-in-law.
The comment went to the very touchy topic of a daughter being a part of a family forever but a daughter-in-law ‘trying forever’ to be a part of the family. If she manages to ‘earn’ the love and respect and admiration, then she will still forever be the ‘perfect bahu/daughter-in-law’, not a daughter.
So, do we try? To be fair to everyone, I will say yes, we do but for how long and to what extent – that varies from one individual to another. The comment in question was that in case of a medical emergency, a daughter is preferred to help the mother instead of a daughter-in-law.
The lady was quick to assure me that it’s not that the bahu cannot help as well as the daughter, but only that she would find it easier to be with her daughter. Was she more comfortable baring herself to her own flesh and blood than someone who had left her home to make a home with her, just like her? Why?
I was saddened to hear her but managed to answer her questions, nodded my agreement and fled as quickly as possible. The conversation got me thinking, do we all not feel the same? If it was me needing help, would I too ask for my daughter? I of course, do not have that option as I do not have a daughter…..so who would I approach in my hour of need?
Where do people go whose children are not close by or cannot or will not help them?
It took me back to the most delicate time women undergo – child birth. The Indian custom is mostly but not always of going to one’s mother’s place but what about other places? Is this a circle – you go to your mom and she comes to you whenever there is a problem. Is there a valid reason behind this tradition or is it just a question of comfort?
Was the lady pointing out the obvious that I was not aware of? Yes, I too had gone to my mother’s place for my delivery. It’s a different story that I fought with my mother all through the stay due to my raging hormones but she was there no matter what I did (no excuses for my bad behavior!)
So is it true that daughters care for us more than our daughters-in-law? Are the daughters-in-law actually different from the daughters? Do we even give them a chance or are we just following stereotypes?
I have personally looked after close relatives when they have been extremely sick and all I wanted and got from them were blessings. How can you refuse to help any one who is sick?
I find it perfectly acceptable to ask anyone willing to help in my time of need to do so or else get professional help. The lady who passed the comment had stated it as a matter of fact and not out of spite. Trying to tell me the importance of being a good daughter, did she not realize that it takes the same things to be a good daughter-in-law?
Has the present generation become so self-centered that we are afraid to share our troubles? Why do we assume that our own child is better than someone else’s child?
Am I just a selfish person or was it her instinct for self-preservation that led to the comment? Maybe its her way of saying that she prefers her own child around or was she just showing me the mirror?
I always wonder how a woman does not empathize with her own daughter-in-law when she has already faced the future in her past. Have you ever faced a similar dilemma?
Pic credit: Judy Baxter (Used under a CC license)
Inderpreet Kaur Uppal is a freelance author, editor and writer for fiction and nonfiction based in New Delhi, India. A post-graduate lecturer in Human Resources Management, Corporate Communications, Training and Development and Organizational Behaviour read more...
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The story of my mountain home Birdsong & Beyond started taking shape in 2009, on the internet, the way many stories do these days.
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Many Indian elderly are firm believers in enslaving a daughter-in-law in the name of tradition which is actually a tradition of oppression and not of religious faith.
Albeit, the popular culture has interpreted scriptures as suggesting that Kanyadaan is the supreme form of donation given to someone, the connotation that the word donation alludes to definitely objectifies the girl.
Even when the exegesis justify the act of giving away the daughter, considering it a ritual to mark the initiation of the daughter into her husband’s gotra and her becoming the part of his family tree.
There is no denial of the fact that this initiation is not required on the part of the groom thereby formally denoting the end of the filial ties with the daughter as it was popularly instructed to the bride during the Vidai ceremonies:
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