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When I was growing up it was customary for us seek the blessings of elders by prostrating at their feet. The usual blessings given to us girls would be May you get a good husband. Boys would be blessed with the usual May you do well in life or may you have a great career . Somehow one felt that a girl s happiness depended on the kind of husband she got married to, which was not wrong because some 50 years back – the career of girls was not given serious consideration the way it is today. Another blessing accorded to married women was Deergha Sumangali Bhava (may you remain a sumangali for ever) and to married men it would be Aayushman Bhava (May you be blessed with long life). Come to think of it both versions directly or indirectly implied that a man needed to live long since a woman s happiness depended on it.
Ever since my father passed away I noticed that my mother stopped seeking the blessings of elders in the family including my grandfather. She had just turned 40 and had to raise 5 children; none settled and the youngest was only three years old. I often wondered why it was so. To my mind she needed the support and good will of society much more than any one who had a husband s support. I strongly felt that not only my mother – who had the support of my grandfather and maternal uncle but other widows who neither had the means nor money would benefit by the blessings and good will of those around them. I got an answer to my question much later.
A relative of ours, in her naivete, had supposedly sought the blessings of an elderly couple who visited her to condole her husband s death. She had put them in a predicament since they were at a loss for words to bless her. This incident was reported to me by my mother herself. I was kind of surprised. I had always thought that my mother had refrained from seeking the blessings of elders purely out of choice for whatever reason. I did not for a moment suspect that it was not permitted by society since the usual blessing deergha sumangali bhava (may you remain a sumangali for ever) did not apply to her. I then understood why my mother avoided seeking the blessings of elders after my dad died. I felt depressed at the thought of a society that refuses to bless a widow. Why not bless her and say May your children bring joy to your life or may your children do well in life or May you be blessed with health, wealth and happiness and why should deergha sumangali bhava be the only appropriate blessing given to a married woman? Isn t there a 50:50 chance of a woman preceding her husband and/or vice-versa? And if with one parent gone is it not important that the remaining parent lived long enough to see her children settle down in life? As it is, she is doubling up for her husband but society does not even feel inclined to bless her and wish that she lives a long and healthy life.
Given a choice I too would like to pass on before my husband but unfortunately I have no say in the matter. Why does the world think that a widower s life after his wife passes away is not as torturous as that of a widow? A woman who is widowed can at least forget her woes by helping out with kitchen work or house keeping. A man s offer to help in the kitchen is often not well received by his daughter in law or son. My father in law outlived my mother in law by 13 years. He was a blessing to us as mentioned in a post of mine. But he did grieve for his wife and missed her presence in his own way.
Having said this I must admit that society has changed to some extent at least. A friend of mine had lost her husband and was working in a reputed company having got the job on compassionate grounds. Her sister in law advised her to continue to wear a bindi saying that it was not necessary for the world to know that she had lost her husband. This was some 30 years back. This very lady prostrated at my mother s feet on Diwali day. I watched with interest wondering what my mother s reaction would be. She blessed her by saying may God give you health, wealth and happiness . At least my mother had understood that a widow was as much entitled to good health, wealth and happiness as the rest of us. She had gone through a lot and she now understood.
I conclude by saying that it is the duty of one s kith and kin to stand by a grieving husband/wife. We are sympathetic towards those who lose their spouse in their middle/young age. At least they have something to look forward to. Their children need to be educated, married and what not. But with those in their final decades of life, the death of a spouse means the loss of someone who knew and understood them. It is important to make them feel not only comfortable but wanted as well.
*Sumangali refers to a woman whose husband is alive and it is customary among Hindus to offer prayers to all the dead sumangalis in the family before marriages and other auspicious occasions. This prayer ceremony is called sumangali prarthana .
The Hip Grandma lives in a small industrial town called Jamshedpur and despite all its shortcomings, she would rather not shift anywhere! She began her career at a local women’s college for two reasons: read more...
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