Journey of becoming a woman

  • My journey of \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\’becoming\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\’ a woman was not a pleasant one. Being asked to sleep separately when I was on my periods- treated as an untouchable, being horrified to see a stain in the white uniform at school, sometimes feeling nauseous and falling unconscious because of anemia at the first day of periods. And I remember the stage when I started wearing bra. Those were the times when I felt so embarrassed because all I heard and saw around was it is something to be looked as shameful. The transition in the body was taking place and I was not aware of how to deal with the change. Some boys did ask what my bra size was and I wondered why they were so interested in knowing it. When I would talk about my dreams they would just listen and say why should I have such big dreams. I looked myself from a male eyes and felt distanced from my own body.

 

I never looked at my body as something to be loved and cherished but as shameful. And that there are things to be hidden or done in secret. I also was not able to come to terms of me being a girl, and always longed for being a boy because I saw around that boys got respect and were able to keep their dignity, they could climb walls, be active in everything happening in the family, they could eat as much as they want and I ingrained the lesson that it is girls who does all the sacrifices. The talk of feminism or empowerment was not rampant as it is today. And because of being a girl several opportunities were denied for the fear of \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\”the world not safe for girls\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\”, or \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\”what would people say\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\”. I was deeply affected by the disparity and the Gender roles being imposed. There were signs of early depression which was completely ignored. Wherever I went people or relatives would ask why Iam so lean and I had enough of it that I started ignoring those comments after many years.

 

It is much later in my life that I started to enjoy or rather accept myself, or love being a woman. There is so much potenial of creativity in us and we are dynamic. One critic said that women are already empowered and that we just need a wake up call and I believe in that. I started learning about empowerment and feminism and the ideas started influencing me. I could see what is happening to me and around. The change was really slow and shedding of fears is a huge process. It is now at the age of 30 that I finally learned about the beauty of being a female, and the possibility of growing with grace and that we can be whoever we want to be. I look back to see all the fights that I did was worth it and all the silences were a revolt.

 

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