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Why do some women feel compelled to set down instructions about household chores when away from home? Are men really unable to take responsibility for this?
‘Take a nap’, I tell my husband. The Other Adult in the family. ‘You shouldn’t overwork yourself.’
‘Here, have some tea. You’ve had a hectic day.’
‘Want my fries? Have a bite of this burger before you leave. You’ll be hungry.’
The man was initially bewildered, and then, ‘Arre, I’ll be fine, stop fussing over me’, he snapped, hastily tempering it with, ‘I’m fine, baby. Don’t worry,’ because he’s too good-natured a man to actually hurt my feelings, no matter how confusing my behaviour.
It’s not his fault. I am not a fusser, a flapper, so he doesn’t know what to do with this new avatar. I’m the mother whose kids figured out when they were hungry and soon learned how to cook for themselves if they didn’t like what was cooked, because I am certainly no short-order cook. And my husband is a better cook – I only cook under duress and in extreme situations. For all else, there is mastercard and a cook.
But bear with me a little longer, patient reader – I’d just been reading a couple of posts on various women’s groups about how women who travel leave endless lists with details instructions for maids, husbands, and kids. I’m in Singapore on work, and I have left no list and am feeling rather worthless. I mean if I don’t leave lists, that means people don’t need to be instructed, which means I have no real role at home. Right?
So as an experiment I got started on the man the moment my flight landed, yeh khao, yeh piyo, have a bite of this, can I unpack and sort your laundry? Ten minutes in, the man exploded, don’t fuss.
And I realised that my bewilderment at the posts on the women’s groups wasn’t simply because I am not a fusser. It’s because he isn’t a fussee, or fussy, however you want to write it (See? Not fussy at all!).
Who are these women who need to tell their husbands how to feed the kids, but more importantly, who are these men who need instructions on where the tea leaves are kept and how to change the baby’s diapers?
The average man is more educated than his wife, in India. And likely makes 5x what she earns. This holds true for my maid and her husband who is a driver, and for my husband and me. The men have jobs that require them to be responsible for either a car in the case of the driver, or large organizations, in the case of my husband. Why then, are they treated as incapable of simple domestic tasks?
Are we women simply so insecure that we refuse to yield territory? And must men be babied to the point of being left voice messages and long bullet points of lists?
As long as we treat domestic labour as some sort of complex thing that a man is too dumb to manage, we will be stuck with it. And some of us will begin to see it as a badge of pride – My husband doesn’t know how to turn on the washing machine… Ugh – then show him. And if he can’t figure out the settings, ask him to quit his day job, since he’s clearly not up to the challenge of more complex tasks.
The truth is, I’ve always expected my partner to share domestic labour. But also, my partner has always expected to share it too. I often wonder what I’d have done with a man who came expecting to go from being his mother’s raja beta to mine. Wouldn’t have ended well, I’m sure. And of course, you’d have heard about it on social media!
Image source: a still from the film Luck By Chance
I am a natural wordsmith, journalist, and editor, with more than two decades of experience across print, broadcast, and web. After spending the initial years of my career working in the mainstream, I joined the read more...
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People say that women are the greatest enemies of women. I vehemently disagree. It is the patriarchal mindset that makes women believe in the wrong ideology.
The entire world celebrates International Women’s Day on March 8, 2024. It should be a joyful day, but unfortunately, not all women are entitled to this privilege, as violence against women is at its peak. The experience of oppression pushes many women to choose freedom. As far as patriotism is concerned, feminism is not a cup of tea in this society.
What happens when a woman decides to stand up for herself? Does this world easily accept the decisions of women in this society? What inspires them to be free of the clutches of the oppression that women have faced for ages? Most of the time, women do not get the chance to decide for themselves. Their lives are always at the mercy of someone, which can be their parents, siblings, husband, or children.
In some cases, women do not feel the need to make any decisions. They are taught to obey the patriarchal system, which makes them believe that they are right. In my family, I was never taught to make decisions on my own. It was always my parents who bought dresses and all that I needed.
14 years after her last feature film Dhobi Ghat, storyteller extraordinaire comes up with her new film, Laapataa Ladies, a must watch.
*Some spoilers alert*
Every religion around the world dictates terms to women. The onus is always on women to be ‘modest’ and cover their faces and bodies so men can’t be “tempted”, rather than on men to keep their eyes where they belong and behave like civilized beings. So much so that even rape has been excused on the grounds of women eating chowmein or ‘men will be men’. I think the best Hindi movie retort to this unwanted advice on ‘akeli ladki khuli tijori ki tarah hoti hai’ (an alone woman is like an open jewellery box) came from Geet in Jab We Met – Kya aap gyan dene ke paise lete hain kyonki chillar nahin hain mere paas.
The premise of Laapataa Ladies is beautifully simple – two brides clad in the ghunghat that covers their identity get mixed up on a train. Within this Russian Doll, you get a comedy of errors, a story of getting lost, a commentary on patriarchy’s attitude towards women, a mystery, and a tale of finding oneself, all in one. Done with a mostly light touch that has you laughing and nodding along.
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