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Why do parents avoid explaining the physical part of relationships to their children? The mindset is-'they will learn on their own like I learnt.'
Marriage. A word with conflicting sentiments. Love, exhilaration, fear, and adjustments were all deep sentiments that tingled in the pit of my stomach from time to time. However, I believe that the final decision must be taken solely by the two persons after the completion of courtship period (or whatever you call it).
My cousin got married in this lockdown. She was not very excited about the shrinking guest list. Though she was ecstatic she had me. More than the sisterhood bonding, we apportion a cognation of mentor-student. Moreover, I feel so protective towards her as she is introvert, shy, and timid. All I endeavoured and wanted her was her voice and a stand for herself.
It was her mehndi the day I reached. She rushed to hug me with those moist eyes. Fighting back my tears and holding her in my arms, my mind toggled between past and present. “I am so happy you made it di,” she said. It was the moment of mixed feelings, a reminder of the time when I was naïve to the change marriage brought into my life. I inhaled my lungs full of air in disbelief that the baby girl is getting married in two days. She blushed as others giggled and teased her asking her about the guy.
Some things do not change with time. Years back I was there in her place, blushing and giggling over the adventure and romance of married life. What it brought was compromise, emotional turmoil, adjustments, and physical relationship. And I still shiver over my lack of knowledge and unpreparedness, staying calm and not speaking about consent and orgasm. I suffered in silence for a long time. Gradually I understood that starting a life with a new person, at a new place requires patience, time, and communication. Being the elder sister how could I have let the same happen to her.
It all commenced with a midnight phone call sounding solicitous and unsure about future life after marriage. She was dubious of adjustments she would have to undergo. My heart melted with each word of her concern. But it was her answer that changed my mind and I took the matter in my hands, “What will I do if I will not be able to match his expectations?” My raised brow made her jitter. “You know, it is absolutely okay to get cold feel about the uncertain times ahead. But I want you to know about the circumstances, marriage will bring along. I mean, in the new house. With husband. Behind the closed doors? When you are with him?” Her baffled expressions expounded everything.
Why do parents not bother explaining sex and the physical part of relationships to their sons/daughters? It’s disheartening is to see parents think it is unnecessary. “They will learn on their own like I learnt”/“Oh, ssshh. These are not the topics of discussion”/“I feel shy to talk such things with daughters” – are the reasons of this long-lived taboo.
I decided to take the charge rather than cribbing over the reels of past. We began slow, similar to the way we show any novice, with essentials. She barely knew anything other than knowledge based on what is shown in Hindi films. In this way, we talked and examined everything exhaustively. At first she was extremely reluctant and modest and scarcely expressed anything. What took me off guard was her lack of information about a sexual relationship.
It was my first time as well, talking physical relationship and sex with any younger person in open. Shaking off my amazement, I had started explaining her the private parts of both genders. Gradually, the topic of intercourse came into picture. “At the point you think you are not prepared; you must convey it to your partner. Sex is adoration and love-making, and without consent it turns ugly and undesirable. It may happen to leave a scar on your brain cells forever. Thus, talk and tell him when your body is not prepared.”
It took another couple of phone calls to explain her, “When you think you want him with equal passion and intensity, and the influx of desire becomes relentless, hint to him. Sex is additionally related with foreplay and perhaps that is the reason it is named as love-making.” I saw a shiver of red surfacing her cheeks.
“Also, last however the main one, orgasm. Like the organs of two sexual orientations are unique, so are the feelings. And so is the climaxing time. You may be told/lectured that women do not climax every time, but it is so untrue dear. We all women do, if touched, aroused, and loved as we desire it too. Mutual you know. Try not shying away with expressing your desires. It should be just about as expected as it would be to him.”
The clarification moved from tickle, g-spot, sensual body parts to climaxing. It took several days to explain her all I knew about physical relationship and sex. “Di, what would I have done without you. I was so naïve and barely knew anything. Thank you,” she said.
I could see those eyes swelled up and reddening nose tip. My baby sister has grown up enough to become someone’s wife. And I was glad about the realm of information she got before walking into a world of unknown and hyped facts.
“Di, you seem lost. What are you thinking? Come on, lets dance.” She broke my reverie, dragged me to the stage and in no time, we were grooving to the beats of ‘sasuraal genda phool…’
Image Source: Still from the movie Padman
A space tech lover, engineer, researcher, an advocate of equal rights, homemaker, mother, blogger, writer and an avid reader. I write to acknowledge my feelings.
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