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The concept of categorising people according to age rests sometimes on the premise of one's assumed reproductive capacity and since it is not based on one's qualities or capabilities it can be quite debilitating.
The concept of categorising people according to age rests sometimes on the premise of one’s assumed reproductive capacity and since it is not based on one’s qualities or capabilities it can be quite debilitating.
Nowhere is it more true than in the case of women, for her identity is almost always related directly to her reproductive capacity (i.e. the number of eggs).
Panic sets in when a girl reaches the age of marriage when she is told that everything else in her life including in some cases education, can wait till she is married. Then there is the dreaded biological clock which hits once a woman is in her 30s bringing an endless series of anxieties and compromises.
The majority of women who are on the other side of fifty now were the ones who married in the late 1990s or in the beginning of the millennium. Whether working or not because of the tough competitive education system to which their children were admitted, the equally demanding jobs of their husbands, the impact of economic liberalisation and the high costs of living in the cities these women went through some seriously tough times.
They were the ones who were known as ‘super-moms’ a term which I use with some distaste because it ignores the everyday realities of the average home-maker. Those who were working had strenuous times balancing their marriage and careers and thus in this humdrum their own inner wants and self-fulfilment sadly took a back seat.
Even though not too much is reflected in the traditional media vis a vis television which still continues to depict widows in white cotton thans or married women in traditional attire in negative roles making life difficult for their DILs or the internet where women over fifty has more search results relating to her declining reproductive capacity, yet there are not few but many women who are surely redefining these stereotypes.
Working women or even home-makers with stable income whether they are married or even single is taking on social media to redefine lives in their spare time. A recent article about older women on Instagram points to the trend of women on the other side of 50 who are taking on a variety of activities art, music, dancing, yoga, cooking and fashion.
There was a time when social media meant only a hangout for the young but all that has changed with people showcasing their talents and even taking on business ventures on Facebook pages and Instagram. Though seemingly unimportant, it marks an important social change for when women open these accounts they do so in their individual capacity, they are there not as someone’s mother or wife but themselves. It is refreshing to see women participating in a variety of groups both offline and online, not shirking even to go to the gym or wear clothes they are comfortable in.
A recent true story I read on this website is about a woman 61 years old but widowed who refuses to be a full-time caregiver of her grandchild because she is not willing to give up what she considers a more fulfilling life of book clubs, vacations and social media illustrates this trend.
One woman who has grandchildren are no more perturbed by the stigma of selfishness associated with women refusing to be the full-time caregiver. Secondly, these women are leading socially fulfilling lives and looking forward to it as many of them have financial independence on the same level as younger people.
In conclusion one can say that in a family if the men and the children have the freedom to lead their lives on their own terms, it is unfair if a woman is expected to give up everything for the sake of the family and be available full time when the need arises for the entire part of their lives, waiting for the approval of their husbands or sons. Surely why should this happen?
Image source: A still from Muppathi Aaru Vayadhinile
Tapti Bose is interested in writing on issues that concern women particularly women's legal studies and women's literature. read more...
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Shows like Indian Matchmaking only further the argument that women must adhere to social norms without being allowed to follow their hearts.
When Netflix announced that Indian Matchmaking (2020-present) would be renewed for a second season, many of us hoped for the makers of the show to take all the criticism they faced seriously. That is definitely not the case because the show still continues to celebrate regressive patriarchal values.
Here are a few of the gendered notions that the show propagates.
A mediocre man can give himself a 9.5/10 and call himself ‘the world’s most eligible bachelor’, but an independent and successful woman must be happy with receiving just 60-70% of what she feels she deserves.
Darlings makes some excellent points about domestic violence . For such a movie to not follow through with a resolution that won't be problematic, is disappointing.
I watched Darlings last weekend, staying on top of its release on Netflix. It was a long-awaited respite from the recent flicks. I wanted badly to jump into its praise and will praise it, for something has to be said for the powerhouse performances it is packed with. But I will not be able to in a way that I really had wanted to.
I wanted to say that this is a must-watch on domestic violence that I stand behind and a needed and nuanced social portrayal. But unfortunately, I can’t. For I found Darlings to be deeply problematic when it comes to the portrayal of domestic violence and how that should be dealt with.
Before we rush to the ‘you must be having a problem because a man was hit’ or ‘much worse happens to women’ conclusions, that is not what my issue is. I have seen the praises and criticisms, and the criticisms of criticisms. I know, from having had close associations with non-profits and activists who fight domestic violence not just in India but globally, that much worse happens to women. I have written a book with case studies and statistics on that. Neither do I have any moral qualms around violence getting tackled with violence (that will be another post some day).