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On tough days, I'll hug myself and believe that it is you holding me, keeping me from falling apart. I'll hum a random song and believe it to be your voice!
We are often presented with unprecedented situations and circumstances in our lives. These situations, I understand are often the root, the bridge to a lot of other things, like the awry chain of thoughts. Anyways, what I intend to say today, in this letter to you is something which I expect you would take in the right spirit.
For days now, I have been battling a lot of things, justified or baseless, I don’t really know, but you know how it’s with thoughts- at times they just flow, not afraid of rejection or reprimand. You may again and again and again blame me for being wrong or thinking too much, or thinking unnecessarily, but believe me, at times, subconsciousness does play a role and it may not be ideal to out-rightly reject some hypothesis just because one’s long-standing point of view differs from it.
This would be my last letter to you in a very long time.
So, before you react, pause for a moment. Think how everything transpired. Imagine the following scenario- once, there were two people. For some time, they lived in proximity of each other without being attentive to each other’s existence. However, as is the case with soul-mates, eventually they did find each other.
Now mind you, as far as soul-mates are concerned, I have read many times that there never is just one. In our journeys, we meet a few different ones and with each one there is a certain powerful magic at work. For our two people too, there was magic, a beautiful spark, quite some connection.
There was a promise for an eternity that rests on their fingers even today (they had promised that they would keep it there till they become one with nature). So, holding that promise and togetherness, they travelled through days. They learnt, grew, helped each other be better versions of themselves. Then, there arrived the moment of reckoning- they didn’t want to see, but signs were strewn all around them which indicated that their time together was over.
These signs, wrapped in form of friction and negativities, misunderstandings were confusing as well as intimidating. It gradually led them to a zone very different from the one which they had become habitual to from love to loveless-ness. Maybe providence was trying to tell them that their time together was spent, over. This meant, overstaying would only have caused damage.
Are you with me? Can you relate? Maybe the above story seems familiar, then I hope you might be getting my point. My dear, I loved someone, and I loved with sincerity. It was however alleged though that there was too much intensity in my words, and in my behaviour, actions and commitment to that person, so much that it appeared to be a pretence, fakeness. Eventually, we reached the point of no return, and even though I wouldn’t have wanted things to be so, I couldn’t delay the process beyond a point. That broke me, into too many pieces. I tried to keep all my broken pieces together though.
I kept telling myself the ‘train story’. Remember that? It’s the one where both you and I are travelling in a toy train, across the misty mountains, slowly, blissfully; people come and go, at their paces. We watched them travel, we watched them as they arrived at their stations and parted ways with their companions on the journey. We wondered how they must have felt- those who left, and those who stayed behind.
This is how my situation was. It was my turn to de-board that train I was travelling in, and I thought I understood how the ones who went away might have felt.
That’s why I panicked when I saw my relationship shattering- I could see that my station was approaching, and I figured that I would have to finally leave- I was scared. I felt like I didn’t belong to the rest of the journey ahead. I knew I had been dreading that very situation for months. I had been trying hard to come to terms with a lot of situations.
But knowing me, dear heart, I suppose, you would know by now, the person whom you call yours is an intense person. Me and my person, we began in a certain way, and for me, that was the deal for all the time ahead. Now, the person has already moved on, and I am sorry it is taking me so much time to accept this and to understand that we can’t stay in the same zone forever.
However, even if I don’t understand, you ought to, for you have a life. Do you know what’s hurting? The fact that I was not willing to accept my loss for long. I was unwilling to recognize the new dynamics that have paved the way, and that was perhaps the reason for my struggle. I can’t pull you into my battles- I being too much of a thoughtful person while you are a happy go lucky, bubbly entity. A lot of things, like the worry lines on your forehead, don’t suit you…it would be inhumane on my part to persist or insist you look at things from my perspective. We both perhaps have a purpose in each other’s journeys. That part, it seems, has been played, and it is now time.
I tried to be outgoing. It won’t be easy for me, to go back to that solitary zone where I used to be, but then, that I believe, is the home and I shall go back there eventually. I’ll get used to it. However, for you, I am happy, very much. You have found your zone of comfort- away from me, one where I hope there are no negativities, resentments, immaturity. I’ll always be proud to see you smiling, independent, confident and responsible.
It feels good to see that you can look the world in the eye and establish as well as guard your identity. Really, I am so proud of you. Besides that, I am thankful too. For all the beauty, amazingness, happiness and value you brought to me. I am thankful to you for being you, for being mine, for being my companion the way you have been. Sincere gratitude. You have made me a better person; you have given me meaning and hope and strength. I’ll hold on to that. You have made a difference. I’ll keep holding on to that. It means a lot, everything you’ve made possible.
We might be parting ways, but know that, in case you ever need me, you know where to find me, how to contact me. I hold no bitterness whatsoever, for, who knows, maybe one day our worlds will merge again- more profoundly, more meaningfully; maybe one day, we would again find each other, hold, uphold, cherish the togetherness with a renewed zeal. So today, I set you free. This whole big sky of possibilities, opportunities, tomorrows- design it to your free will, this is all yours. Nothing should hold you back, ever. And, this journey we had, this beautiful chapter, this I am taking with me. Happy memories to last a lifetime.
You will be there in my wishes, my prayers, my thoughts, my mornings, tired afternoons and in thoughtful nights too. I’ll walk my roads, with the memory of you holding my hand; on some days when I can’t hold myself together, I’ll draw something on my palms and tell myself this is what you would have done too.
On tough days, I’ll hug myself and believe that it is you holding me, keeping me from falling apart. I’ll hum sometimes, a random song and believe it to be your voice. I’ll look in the mirror, and find you looking at me. You will always be the one I love the most. You will always be the best I had. I will think of you and smile. Like I am doing now. You are such a beauty, the one that reaches the depths of the soul. I’ll cherish you; I’ll cherish us. Always.
Now, I must de-board.
Take care of yourself. Take responsible decisions. Build a good team around yourself. Stay safe.
Stay happy. Stay healthy. Stay blessed. I wish you the best of love, companionship, protection, faith and possibilities.
Always in love, forever and beyond.
Image source: Still from Mrinal Ki Chitthi
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